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Somewhere on the 5th layer of Hell
I stand on the shores of a vast lake of lava with tears welling in my eyes and the dull ache of my 11am whole pineapple enema still throbbing deep within my bowels. To my left, Donald Trump writhes on the crucifix they had the Mexicans build for him. They're now sitting vigil at his feet, eating burritos and occasionally redirecting the wasp hose back into his urethra. He's become quite good at dislodging it with his feeble movements.
How did I end up here?
One minute I'd been doing lines of cocaine off the back of whichever of the Bella Twins I'd rostered on for my noon sodomy and cocaine session, and then my heart had exploded in my chest. My last thought - aside from my disappointment at the fact I'd never get to have my go at the new Tough Enough girls - was that I'd somehow taken a wrong turn on the road to life.
My first turn had seen me die at the hands of Shane McMahon's minions before I could put the WWE out of business.
My second had seen me bring down the juggernaut and make myself something like the Tony Montana of wrestling.
And Rowland never did manage to invent that time machine a second time. In the second reality, the guy was an idiot.
That was all 42 years ago. I've been in hell ever since.
It's not all bad. Satan's a pretty cool guy when he's off the clock, and there's no shortage of drugs or loose women. The pain sucks, but you kind of get used to it.
Why am I crying then?
One of the crueler forms of torture here is being able to glimpse the moments you're missing back in the world of the living.
I've witnessed grandchildren being born, children being married, and another f**king John Cena Jr. title run.
Today, in a fit of absolutely shitbaggery, Satan's deigned to show me the death of the company I built. BSWWE is no more. The empire I'd built has finally been brought low after over fifty years of zany madness. Killed at the hands of Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, the inexplicable last man standing in the world of pro wrestling.
Violent J and Shaggy are watching from beside me.
"Hard luck, CWB," Shaggy says with as much sincerity as he can managed, "You had a good run".
"If it's any consolation," apologises Violent K, "I could have done without seeing Eminem buy our company".
The three of us sit and watch as Eminem's geriatric ass stands in the middle of the BSWWE ring and pisses on the title once held by legends such as Avatar, Spanky, Bee Man, and Sir Quincy Penfold III through VI.
I'm so lost in my misery that I don't hear the other guy approach.
"It doesn't have to be this way, you know". His voice startles me and I let out a girlish manly scream. I spin around and come face to face with somebody I haven't seen in decades.
"Phoenix!?" I ask.
"The very man," he says. He might be smiling. It's hard to tell through his mask.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, "You weren't a bad guy".
"Oh, I was," he admits.
"What did you do!?"
"Cleveland Browns fan," he confides with obvious shame, "I...I..."
He breaks down then, and I can tell he feels the full weight of whatever it is being a Cleveland Browns fan entails. When he stops blubbering into his mask, he speaks again:
"I can send you back".
"But... but... that was just a gimmick. You couldn't really travel through time!"
"Couldn't I, Chris?" he asks enigmatically.
It all starts to fade then. The lake of fire. Violent J and Shaggy giving one another blowjobs. Phoenix clutching his faded Cleveland Browns jersey to his chest.
The wasps crawling out of Donald Trump's ears.
It all fades and then...
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August 1st, 2015.
Somewhere in Tanzania
I wake with a start. The stink of diesel exhaust is thick in my room as the generator outside works overtime.
Had it all been some sick nightmare? Had I dreamed an entire life in which I'd been a wrestling promoter, an insatiable poon hound, and an occasional time traveler?
The Cleveland Browns jersey lying on the bed beside me indicated otherwise.
"You need to do it all over again, Chris," Phoenix's voice whispered from a grim future, "You need to start Berner Street Wrestling again... again..."
I grabbed my phone and started dialing immediately.
Sophie: Hello? Who is this?
CWB: It's me, Chris! We need to start Berner Street Wrestling again!
Sophie: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Stu: Who is it, honey?
Sophie: It's Chris, sweetie. Go back to sleep.
CWB: Say hi to Magro for me!
Sophie: He says hi.
Stu: Hi, you mad bastard!
Sophie: He says...
CWB: I heard.
Sophie: What do you want? What is Berner Street Wrestling?
CWB: I can't explain now. Is Murray still rich and stupid?
Sophie: Of course he is.
CWB: Get him on the phone and tell him I need $2,000,000. I'll be there in two days.
I hang up and begin to pack. I've got work to do if I want to avoid going to hell.
---------------
Yes, in a fit of unbridled unoriginality, I'm doing it all over again. The race from backyard to (hopefully) global. The stupid characters, the constant poaching, the sexual innuendo, and everything in between.
If you're not familiar with the source material, the original Berner Street Wrestling was a relatively long-lived backyard comedy diary. When it fizzled/my computer died, I did Berner Street Wrestling Rebooted until I got distracted by moving overseas and finally losing my virginity.
While I can't guarantee regular updates (I travel for a living, so sometimes I'll disappear for a month or so), I've got plenty booked and a lot of fun stuff in the pipeline. It'd be good to have you along for the ride.
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Berner Street Wrestling Resurrected
The Roster
- Sir Quincy Penfold VII: The seventh (technically fourth) incarnation of everybody's favourite British bastard, this version (played by Iain Morris) is a far more accomplished in ring worker at the expense of a little charisma and menace.
- The $100,000 Man, Mike DiBiase: Not quite as rich as his daddy, but still a good deal wealthier than anybody in the company or in the crowd. A frankly average wrestler who gets by on his name alone.
- 'Megastar' Luke Robinson: The Tough Enough season five runner-up is by far our best-known worker and his natural arrogance make him a good choice to play a self-proclaimed 'megastar'.
- Zumba: A Brazilian-born luchador. He'll be playing a happy-go-lucky fitness instructor type. I don't foresee a bright future for him.
- KrackerJak: One of Australia's more accomplished wrestlers has worked matches with the likes of Darth Vader, so he should be no stranger to being forced to do things that might embarrass a more sane man. Our most talented in ring performer by a fair stretch.
- Sodomy Hussein: He's putting the fabulous in fatwah. Our rampantly gay, heterophobic Islamic terrorist is sure to outrage virtually everybody in the known world.
- Ryan Barton: Ryan Eagles appears as the generic Aussie everyman because sometimes you need a likable, inoffensive straight man.
- Skid Row : Another BSW favourite and three time original, Skid Row is this time portrayed by Nightmare Manson. While he's not the high flyer previous incarnations have been, he makes up for it with a good deal more charisma and the fact he looks legitimately homeless.
Let's see if I can't keep myself out of hell.
Berner Sreet Wrestling presents Backyard Bonanza 2015
Professional wrestling comes to Berner Street as Berner Street Wrestling brings you some of the world's most obscure professional wrestlers fighting in a 31 year old dude's back yard for a plastic title!
The $100,000 Man, Mike DiBiase will face off with Skid Row for the right to contest the first ever (in this reality, at least) Berner Street Wrestling World Title. Can DiBiase's wealth overcome the sheer desperation that only a homeless man can understand?
'Megastar' Luke Robinson squares off against the dancing fool, Zumba. Will he be another Disco Jesus? Or can he Bee Man his way to mild fame?
Aussie hardcore icon KrackerJak will put Aussie pride on the line in his bout with Sir Quincy Penfold VII, the Queen's chosen emissary to Berner Street. Will the blue-blooded Brit taste the dreaded Britney Spear? Or will KrackerJak feel the wrath of For Queen and Country?
Average Aussie, Ryan Barton will have his work cut out for him as he steps into the square circle against Sodomy Hussein. Will the menacing (but impeccibly dressed) heterophobic extremist bring about a glittery new age of terror?
The four winners will then face off in a four corners match to decide your first BSW champion. Who will stand tall at night's end?
Professional wrestling comes to Berner Street as Berner Street Wrestling brings you some of the world's most obscure professional wrestlers fighting in a 31 year old dude's back yard for a plastic title!
The $100,000 Man, Mike DiBiase will face off with Skid Row for the right to contest the first ever (in this reality, at least) Berner Street Wrestling World Title. Can DiBiase's wealth overcome the sheer desperation that only a homeless man can understand?
'Megastar' Luke Robinson squares off against the dancing fool, Zumba. Will he be another Disco Jesus? Or can he Bee Man his way to mild fame?
Aussie hardcore icon KrackerJak will put Aussie pride on the line in his bout with Sir Quincy Penfold VII, the Queen's chosen emissary to Berner Street. Will the blue-blooded Brit taste the dreaded Britney Spear? Or will KrackerJak feel the wrath of For Queen and Country?
Average Aussie, Ryan Barton will have his work cut out for him as he steps into the square circle against Sodomy Hussein. Will the menacing (but impeccibly dressed) heterophobic extremist bring about a glittery new age of terror?
The four winners will then face off in a four corners match to decide your first BSW champion. Who will stand tall at night's end?
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