Misanthrope aims to emulate the Newcastle heroics as he uses his head to batter the opposition into submission. He plays for the Titans.
The candles have been lit. The invocations have been completed. The life size cardboard cut-out of Andrew Ettingshausen has been symbolically burned over a fire fueled by back issues of Big League.
I would have sacrificed a virgin but LU members with 30,000+ post counts are surprisingly difficult to lure out of their mother’s basements.
Yes, of course I tried putting on a girlish voice and telling them how sexy I thought their plan for something called ‘Top Ball’ was.
In place of this virginal offering, I offer this stiff sock. No, that’s not just any jizz that has hardened to a near adamantium like shell. That’s the jizz I’ve expelled over years of climaxing to Cronulla’s repeated failures. And yes, Football Gods, I thank you every day for the blessing that is Cronulla’s existence. Thou art truly the greatest of trolls.
I can’t believe people actually support them either. Maybe they’re trying to be ironic?
No, you’re right. I don’t think people from the Shire would know how to spell ‘irony’ either. They’d probably just throw rocks at it and tell it to go back to where it came from.
I don’t know. France, maybe?
We’re getting off track here, Football Gods. I know you are called upon for your blessing at every Mad Monday and will be busy today.
What’s that? Yes, I’m sure it’s quite possible Billy Slater will be ‘inside Cooper Cronk’ again today. No, no – I get it. I see what you did there.
His tears were like champagne to me too.
Yes, I did see that episode of South Park. You don’t need –
Ha ha. That’s a good Cartman impression. You’re both wise and hilarious, Football Gods.
Let’s get down to business. I have lit the candles and invoked the invocations. I have made you offerings of Andrew Ettingshausen effigies and the jizz-stained sock. I hereby begin the ritual of prayer and request, and ask that you hear my humble pleas.
I acknowledge that you have worked a minor miracle in turning Newcastle around in the last four weeks. I know many would attribute this change of attitude to Wayne Bennett or Jeremy Smith or even Danny Buderus, but I see it for the miracle it is. You’ve turned an inconsistent, messy side into something resembling our 1997 heroics.
That was a good year, yes. I know the Broncos’ premiership doesn’t really count, but it’s nice of you to let them have that asterisk next to it. Did you really have to let them win so many Origins in a row though?
Oh, brain damage?
All of them? I mean, I had my suspicions… Well, yes, I guess I can see why you let them have State of Origin. That would explain the conspiracy talk then.
Anyway, Football Gods, I appreciate all you have done but I have some more requests. I haven’t asked for anything in several years because I’ve been living in China.
What?
No, Football Gods, they don’t believe in rugby league here. I don’t know why not. I don’t think it has anything to do with their small penises.
No. They don’t pronounce it ‘Clonurra’.
You know, you’re starting to sound like a Cronulla fan now, Football Gods. You’re being racist.
I’m sorry too. I just lost my temper.
So, back to my humble request; I ask that you guide and watch over the Newcastle Knights for the next two weeks. I beg that you see them past the cheating Roosters and whichever fickle Sydney club they meet in the grand final.
Yes, Russell Crowe was very good in
Gladiator.
I ask that you let Danny Buderus go out on the high note his storied career deserves. I ask that you inflict terrible suffering and a potential career ending injury on Mitchell Pearce. I know Queensland have it rough, but giving NSW Mitchell Pearce was a bit of extreme; I’m sure you’d agree.
I ask that Jarrod Mullen kicks a treble of 40-20s and that our backline monsters our opponents as it has been. I ask that Alex McKinnon breaks another opponent’s head with his unbreakable dome and that Jeremy Smith remain the baddest mother-f**ker on Football God’s green earth.
I ask that our NSW Cup boys also taste premiership triumph. Screw the Bears. Their eleven fans will be okay.
And I pray you delay the game until I land. I have a flight on Grand Final day.
Amen.
P.S. Andrew Johns return out of the question?
WORD COUNT: 750 (including title)