Titanic for the Titans ... this article is dedicated to the thousands of rugby league fans worldwide who cannot view their sport of choice because of the myopic view of a chosen few, (750 OWC).
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Couched potato – hidden agenda
Wrenched in an untimely fashion from the womb; one moment nestled deep in mother earth; surrounded by life-giving nutrients, and the next; dumped unceremoniously onto the conveyor-belt of circumstance, careering headlong towards the hellish pits of despair... herefollows a real-life tale of woe, spiced with political intrigue.
Who would've thought when I first embraced rugby league a half century ago that I'd one day be comparing my lot with that of the humble spud. Yet here I am, a world away from my beloved sport. I may as well be buried beneath the unforgiving ground like a root vegetable.
Tuber-like, I was snuggled-up anticipating the Spring of the new season when my world was rudely up-rooted. The NRL, in pursuit of their agenda to remain in global obscurity, had dug my dreams a furrow that would lead to the very tables of Australia's power-brokers.
My saga began with a cursory peep at the Australia Network menu for the coming season, before the Indigenous match. Oz Network, as it’s quaintly known amongst the Australian expatriate community, is not regarded as the sharpest peeler in the kitchen in terms of promoting our sea-girthed land, however, it is our only television link to home.
Formerly ABC Asia Pacific, this window to Australiana attracts pockets of Aussies to bars and hotels all over the world where we can all get our fill of rugby league and show off the Greatest Game to our foreign mates. The more fortunate of us couch potatoes have satellite connections and watch from the comfort of our homes in exile.
But I digress. In my naivety, on discovering that Oz Network were not broadcasting the All Stars match, I politely emailed Rod Webb, their production manager, suggesting that this game would be an excellent exhibition of our cultural fabric and provide an enticing entrée to Season 2011… like a crispy packet of Salt&Vinegar chips before Friday Night Football.
Can you imagine my shock, my horror when I received a very terse reply announcing that there would be no NRL shown in 2011? I stood at my screen feeling as naked as a newly skinned yam dunked in ice-water.
“Impossible,” I ranted, “I’m calling the NRL.” And I did, but quicker than you can say Petero’s potato cakes, I was flicked like unwanted peel from Gallup to Annesley. Originally it had seemed like a half-baked idea but their responses had me simmering.
“Don’t blame us,” they decried, in tones basted with innocence. “The big turnips at Oz Network didn’t really want to broadcast rugby league and only offered us two games a week plus Origin, Tests and Finals.” Boo hoo hoo and waaaah. As clear as the eye of a rotten 'murphy', the NRL wanted to get paid to promote their own fare to countries who haven’t even tasted a morsel of rugby league.
They nearly had my sympathy, not. After a little grilling, the NRL sheepishly coughed up the following tidbit; “Don’t worry, we have sold the rights to a pay-per-view provider, Setanta, for more cash than Oz Network offered.”
Bash me, smash me, hash brown and mash me… I was really steamed when further research uncovered that Setanta only broadcasts to a very limited footprint in Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore but not mainland China, Japan, Korea, India, Philippines or Thailand to name but a few.
Not ready to concede defeat, I phoned the NRL again arguing that 96% of the known world’s population now didn’t have access to rugby league. Being passed around like a hot potato was frustrating enough but salt was rubbed in when they condescendingly advised that Bigpond would stream live to countries that didn’t have access to the games… this is simply untrue… I was flamed.
In desperation, I did what all stuffed vegetables do when they're destined for either the proverbial saucepan or the eternal fire… I dialed Canberra.
Slice me, dice me, chop me up and French-fry me... soon I was phone to phone with the Honorable Kevin "Tiny Taters" Rudd, Minister responsible for Australia Network… Minister responsible for shattering my season and the conscience of potato salad.
"My fellow Queenslander, our policy is to promote Australia by removing all programmed sport and focus on re-runs of Home&Away. Don’t forget that Australia Network is a government tool." I was boiling... withdraw a taxpayers service to promote instead Australia in English to foreigners who don't speak it?
“No Minister, you are truly a government 'tool'.”
