takes a sonny-bill style flick pass from cliffy and heads off upfield for the bluebags...
750 words, title to end..
Ricky Stuart was worried. The Eels were almost unbackable favourites to win the wooden spoon. Sitting there, almost in tears, Ricky wondered how it all went so wrong. As a coach hed won a premiership and coached both Australia and NSW. As a player he had won premierships and been considered one of the modern legends.
But never as a player or a coach had Ricky won the wooden spoon.
The pressure was getting to him. His wife, Martha, noticed he was chewing his fingernails more than usual and hed started yelling at the paperboy again. The last time she saw his face go purple and scream at a 10 year old boy for landing The Daily Telegraph in his prized rose bushes was when he was just before he got sacked by Cronulla.
Stuart knew he was under pressure; hed come to Parramatta heralded as the man who would bring the best out of Jarryd Hayne and bring the Eels back to being the power club they were in the 80s.
But the wooden spoon?
This wasnt how it was supposed to play out. Ricky noticed he was avoiding anything wooden - he replaced his teak dining table with a plastic outdoor table and threw out his childrens Pinocchio book; hed even cut down all the trees in his street with a chainsaw one night whilst sleepwalking (well, the sleepwalking excuse was what he told a rather angry policeman who came enquiring after the neighbours complained).
But still this didnt help him. Every waking moment, every thought that entered his mind was about how he was about to win that bloody spoon. So to ease his pain, he started drinking Absinthe (the green liquid reminded him of success with the Raiders.)
One night, after a particularly strenuous training (and drinking) session, Ricky was walking along the Parramatta river asking himself how he could get over his fear of the spoon. Suddenly there was a thunder crack and all the clouds in the sky formed together into what looked like an image of the original Super Coach - Jack Gibson.
Ricky Stuart! the Gibson-cloud-thing boomed.
Yes? Replied Stuart, timidly.
I have come back here to help you lose your fear of the spoon. Said Gibson.
You fear it because it is unknown. To lose your fear, you must first learn how others react when receiving the spoon.
Thanks Jack! Said Ricky, But isnt this whole cloud / spirit thing just a rip off of the Lion King?
Gibson replied Ricky this scene is in no way related to anything produced by or endorsed by the Disney Corporation. But back on topic, once you no longer fear the spoon, you can destroy the spoon.
Glad we confirmed that said Ricky Now off to see how others feel when they receive the spoon.
In an Absinthe fuelled haze, Ricky Stuart went into Westfield Parramatta Coles and purchased all the wooden spoons he could find. As he was running past Hoyts he saw a massive ticket line. Ricky walked up to the last person in the line and handed them a wooden spoon.
This is for coming last he said.
The bloke he gave the spoon to just said Whatever and threw the spoon over his shoulder.
Confused, but not defeated Ricky carried on and gave out all his spoons to people he encountered who came last during that night - the driver of the car at the back of the Drive Thru queue at North Parramatta McDonalds, the lady sitting in the very final seat on the train, a fat kid at a little athletics meet and even to his wife (something which the marriage counsellor later said was not a good move.)
Although he had a massive hangover the next morning, Ricky reflected on the night before and noticed something - all these recipients didnt seem scared to receive the spoon (except the girl on the train, although she may have been more scared by the fact Ricky was by then shirtless and carrying an empty Absinthe bottle). He had worked out that a wooden spoon was nothing to be scared of - it was easily dismissed and discarded.
Ricky Stuart now knew what he had to do - destroy the wooden spoon before it could be given to him.
He dialled the number for Jims Pest Removals.
Hello, do you guys keep the termites you remove? You do? Excellent. Im hoping you can deliver a tanker load of live termites to NRL headquarters for me