Berner Street Wrestling

[Misanthrope]

The Dream....

The life of an unemployed twenty-something with a degree in theatre, an unhealthy obsession with wrestling, and plenty of time on his hands can be surprisingly monotonous. Sure, there’s the parties and the… well, there’s the parties. Contrary to popular belief, a degree in theatre doesn’t catapult you into Hollywood, nor does it act as some kind of lure for no-strings-attached pussy. No, in this world, you have to make a name for yourself. So it was that, on one Sunday morning, with the strong taste of rum still in my mouth – I decided to run a wrestling fed. I’m a spontaneous guy, what can I say?

Calling in a few favours, I was able to find a financial backer in the form of my mate, Muzza. Murray came into a load of money when his wealthy parents mysteriously ‘disappeared’ and being a fellow twenty something with time on his hands, he’s pledged his money to starting up our little backyard wrestling fed. Never one for original names, I’ve decided we’ll operate as ‘Berner Street Wrestling’, and with the only selling point of my sh*tty house being its large suburban backyard, it’ll have to do for our base of operations. My ditzy flatmate/love interest Sophie offered her services as a secretary, and whilst she refuses to wear a skimpy outfit around (despite my encouragement), she’s done a passable job of researching the industry. So, on day one of my new ‘job’, she hits me with a tiny list of demands.

Friday July 1st, 2006

Sophie Says…
Sophie: (Knocking on my door at 1pm)… Chris, are you up?
Me: Incoherent mumbling
Sophie: Chris, get up. We’re supposed to be having a meeting…
Magro: (From somewhere else in the house) I’ll give you a ‘meating’ if you want.
Sophie: Shut the f**k up, Magro.
Me: (Opening the door) Alright, I’m up, I’m up. What do you want?
Sophie: You wanted to have a meeting to get your little wrestling game off the ground.
Me: It’s not a game! It’s a genuine business opportunity!
Sophie: Yeah, so you had me tell the local businesses in the requests for sponsorship. Look, do you want to hear what I’ve got to say, or not?
Me: That depends, can you tell me topless?
(There’s a period of awkward silence here, as Sophie tries to decide whether I’m being serious, or just being a chauvinistic asshole. She decides on the latter, but chooses not to slap or kick me)
Sophie: Alright. Let’s see. The market is building towards a boom period, which is good for you. Staff-wise, we need to hire a referee, a writer, someone to handle medics, and someone to run production. We also need a roster of at least six wrestlers, and you need to spend a little bit of money on production.
Me: Production?
Sophie: Chris, I don’t know how well you thought this through, but you need more than a backyard and a secretary to run a wrestling federation. Where are people going to sit? What are the wrestlers going to wrestle on? Do you have a belt?
Me: Alright, ok. Leave it with me and Muzza.

Getting My Ass into Gear
With Sophie out doing girly stuff, I meet up with Murray and we do some ‘shopping. After stopping by the local branch of the Credit Union, we head into town with $525 to spend on whatever our little federation needs. A few short hours later, and we’ve got:
- A set of eight matching lawn chairs. I wanted white, but Muzza said red ones were ‘heaps dynamic’ and would get the crowd excited. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
- A second hand gym mat from the local high school. It’s slightly soiled. The guy who sold it to us refused to tell us what exactly had stained it. I’d rather not know.
- A bell. We couldn’t find one of the cool ones that the WWE uses, so we went by a bike shop and grabbed one that you can attach to the front of your bike. I needed a new one, so I guess this kind of killed two birds with one stone.
- Rope. For the ring, obviously.
- A trophy. Do you know how much a customised belt would set us back? I used to be quite the wiz in F-Grade soccer, and have a few trophies from my days back then. We took it down to an engraver and he kindly added a ‘Berner Street Wrestling World Title’ to the base. It looks pretty damn spiffy, in my opinion.

With a day’s shopping done, Muzza and I spent the remainder of the money we’d withdrawn (around $150 at this point) on a night on the town to celebrate. We then spent the following morning apologising to Sophie after we accidentally barged into her room at 4am.

Monday, July 3rd 2005

Sponsors!
Good news! The local businesses actually bought the wonderful letter we sent out to them, and we’ve got sponsorship revenue! Oh, happy day! I spent the day meeting with representatives and organising a fair deal for both parties. Realistically, Sophie did the organising, and I just signed forms. By the end of the day we’d come up with:
- Joey’s Uniform Outlet: $10,000 per show
- Newcastle Coal: $5000 per show
- Cloud 9 Escort Services: $5000 per show
- Hazem’s Kebab Shop: $1000 per show

I think our sponsors are perfectly suited to our product. What says working class better than uniforms, coal, sex, and kebabs?

Our ‘Aspiring Superstars of Wrestling’ ad in the local newspapers didn’t have the desired effect (it seems there are very few aspiring wrestlers in my part of the world) – but we did receive some interest from locals interested in staffing our federation. With unemployment at an all time low in my region, that’s no surprise. We managed to sign ourselves a referee (Bruno Leclerc, whose Dad owns the aforementioned Kebab Shop), a medical expert (alright, he’s a student by the name of Shane Holiday), and in exciting news, a local stand up comic has offered to be our ring announcer! Operating under the misleading name of ‘Laughing Larry’ (a man who delivers straight faced comedy and doesn’t elicit laughs from his audience should be shot for false advertising this gross), he’ll be an…erm… asset to our fine fed.

The Talent
Ah, now for the excitement of signing workers to wrestle on a soiled gym mat in my backyard.

Even Colder Austin: A passable brawler whose current gimmick of imitating Stone Cold Steve Austin just doesn’t cut it, given that nobody finds him intimidating or moderately amusing. I’ve re-named him to VB Fosters, and he’ll be a beer swilling drunkard with no respect for authority. Uh… yeah… I realise how much of a stretch this must be for him.

The Warlock: Ok, Warlocks are gay. I’ve played my share of Dungeons & Dragons in my time, so what better way to combine my two loves than to have D&D represented in the ring? It’s genius! The Dungeon Master is a moderately accomplished all-rounder with absolutely no charisma.

Flash Christian: This man is far too talented to be working out of my backyard. He’s a damn fine flyer and technical wrestler, but with a name like Flash Christian, he’ll never get over with the fans. Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you to Skid Row, a homeless man whose only ambition in life is to rise once more to the top. No charisma, but I’ll be pairing him with a manager.

Shawn Stylez: He apparently dislikes someone called Sean Stylez. Never heard of either of them. I introduce you to the dastardly Sir Quincy Penfold III, a British aristocrat with no respect for the Australian ‘colonials’. In fact, he considers himself far too good to even grace the Berner Street Wrestling ring, but at $1000 an appearance, I can overlook that. He can’t wrestle worth a damn, really, but has charisma to spare.

Candice: A cute cheerleader type girl with charisma to burn. Cute cheerleaders are great, but what’s even greater is a bitchy social worker who is trying to turn Skid Row into a man respectable enough to take home to her parents. Meet Ms. Ethel Whitebridge!

Konrad: Like Flash Christian, this guy really is too talented to be working for us. He’s got the most charisma out of the entire roster, is a passable all rounder, and is related to Candice to boot. But Konrad? That name won’t cut it with the die hard Australian wrestling fans. Instead, meet Mr. Charisma. Just in case his mike skills don’t make it evident enough, Mr. Charisma’s name will remind people just how handsome and charismatic he is.


First show to follow......

 

[Misanthrope]

BSW Backyard Bonanza! July 16th, 2005

Skid Row vs. Sir Quincy Penfold III
The crowd of five were absolutely silent during this match. I’m talking mime’s quiet. It was a bit disappointing, really, since Skid Row and Sir Quincy put on a passable match (58% match quality). Skid Row eventually picked up the win after Ms. Ethal Whitebridge distracted Sir Quincy Penfold III with her ultra sexy high powered lawyer style outfit. Skid Row took advantage, hitting Spare Change for the pinfall. How on earth this rated a 0% crowd reaction is beyond me. 29% overall rating.

Mr Charisma vs. The Dungeon Master in the World Title Tournament
The crowd were a little more into this one, with one particularly vocal person (I think it might have been Sophie) even starting a one woman ‘We love Charisma’ chant. Mr Charisma eventually picked up a clean win after some Blokey Punches, and progresses to the tournament final. 60% match quality, and 20% crowd reaction gives it an overall rating of 40%!

Next up it’s Ms. Ethal Whitebridge’s turn to talk. She stands up on a vacant chair (we bought eight of them, after all) to address the crowd. My flatmate Magro tried in vain to see up her skirt.
Ethel: First of all, I’d like to welcome each and everyone one of you to Backyard Bonanza. It certainly is a…. pleasure to see our nation’s specially abled people out enjoying themselves (ooh, that got a boo!). You have all just seen my client, Skid Row, defeat Sir Quincy Penfold III in a match that clearly demonstrates his immense talent. However, I’m out here to make it clear that I am the dominant woman in Berner Street Wrestling.
(Personally, I’m not sure what she’s talking about, unless this was some kind of catty challenge to Sophie).
Ethel: If anyone has a problem with that, then they can file a complaint through the usual avenues. Fill out forms F and U, then form CK, and have them sent to the head OFF-ice.

The crowd, perhaps proving her assumption that they aren’t ‘all there’ still gave her a liberal booing. 59% for the interview.

Skid Row vs. VB Fosters in the World Title Tournament
Skid Row makes his second appearance of the night, as he prepares to do battle with VB Fosters. I noticed a distinct swagger in VB’s step as he entered the ring (well, stepped onto it). I’ll have to double check that my six pack of Tooheys New is still in the fridge after we’re done. Skid Row progresses to the final in a moderately good match (59%) but continues to put the crowd into a coma (14%). What’s not to like about a wrestling hobo!? Skid Row picked up a win after grabbing a handful of tights in attempting the pin. Tell me, does that actually make it any harder for a man to kick out? Overall quality was 36%

Sir Quincy Penfold III came out into the ring while I let poor Skid Row have a breather before the World Title Match.
SPQ3: Hellooooo (said in a surprisingly good English accent) Aus-tral-ians. It certainly is loverly to see all of you colonials out here tonight. My, my, my. Did you dress up for this evening, mad-am? I must say, you look lov-erly. Positively de-VINE! What’s that? You’re not a woman? Oh, I doooo apologise. I find it so difficult to differentiate between you colonials. In mother England, where inbreeding isn’t the norm, we all have distinguishing features, unlike down here with you ruffians and convicts. I must say, it’s positively beast-LY to have to soil myself…
(49% reaction, sheesh)

MrCharisma comes out to interrupt! The crowd, who were not exactly buying into Sir Quincy Penfold III’s tirade, give a modest cheer.
Charisma: I agree, mate. It’s “positively beastly” that you’ve soiled yourself. But then, when you’re standing on the same gym mat as the great one, these things happen. (SPQ3 sputters and looks suitably outraged). These people didn’t come out here to listen to you bitch and moan about the state of things here in Australia (I tried to get an ‘Aussie Aussie Aussie’ chant going, but nobody was buying). If you don’t like it, then get the f**k home. (The crowd actually cheer at this point. Never underestimate the value of cheap heat). In the meantime, get the f**k out of my ring or make you cry like the sheila you are.

Sir Quincy doesn’t move fast enough, and Charisma helps him out of the ring with a big clothesline. The crowd didn’t mind this, and it earned a 57% rating.

Skid Row vs. Mr Charisma for the World Title
The crowd were right into this match, they certainly like Mr Charisma’s amalgamation of Australian stereotypes. Skid Row has plenty of near falls in this one, but the ‘Charisma’ chant from Sophie seems to keep him in it. With the one woman chant behind him, Charisma does his own rendition of ‘hulking up’ before hitting a series of Blokey Punches on Skid Row for the cover. While he celebrates his newly acquired trophy, The Dungeon Master rushes out from the bathroom and spins him around. Critical Hit! Dungeon Master has floored the champion, and receives a token boo from the crowd for his efforts.

Solid match, garnering a 69% match rating, a 22% crowd reaction, and an overall of 45%

The overall card quality is an impressive 45% (The sarcasm should be evident)

BEST SEGMENT: Ethel Whitebridge interview (59%)
WORST SEGMENT: Skid Row vs. Sir Quincy Penfold III (29%)

After the five people left (Sophie, Muzza, and Magro went back inside) I had a post show meeting. Apparently I overused Skid Row in the show, and VB and Skid Row have no chemistry. I was tempted not to pay Skid Row’s accommodation bill as a punishment for his poor showing, but he seemed completely unbothered by the idea of sleeping outside, method actor that he is. Overall we made a whopping $50 from ticket sales and climbed to 1% public image!

 

[Misanthrope]

Wrestling News
The wrestling boom continues, and WWE have some competition at the top with NWA:TNA becoming a global fed. I braced myself for the inevitable talent raid, but much to my disappointment, the same guys as always turned up on Monday afternoon for a run through of the card.

Elite Wrestling Revolution have dropped to small level, and unlike the dreamboat Jean-Luc Picard, Eric Picard has abandoned the Enterprise. You’d never expect it was a ‘boom’, with NWA: Anarchy also plummeting to small level. Josh Wheeler followed in Picard’s footsteps, and jumped ship as well. I ask you, where has loyalty gone? Chaotic Wrestling has also fallen to small level, and then Steve Lytton took over at EWR after a few hours of it being un-owned.

A hectic week. Does any of this have the slightest bearing on happenings in my back yard? f**k no.

Sophie Says…
Sophie: (Knocking on my door) Chris, are you up?
Me: Incoherent grumbling
Sophie: Chris, we need to hire someone else to staff Berner Street Wrestling.
Me: Why? Was there an accident? Because our ‘health’ plan doesn’t kick in until December….
Sophie: No, it’s nothing like that. I just think you need a road agent to control the guys backstage.
Me: Backstage is a bit of a rich expression, Sophie. Don’t you mean ‘control the guys while they wait in the laundry for their cue’?
Sophie: Jesus, Chris, do you have to dump on everything I do?

Well, I could have made a smart-assed reply, but decided that I valued my testicular wholeness far too much. Instead, I offered Magro $5000 a month to act as a road agent. He’s actually quite good at it, when he’s not hitting on Ms. Ethel or asking Mr Charisma for body-building tips. How did I afford this? Why, by sacking our medical ‘team’ of one. I also realised that having a training camp at this stage in our development was ludicrous, and sold the gym set my grandma had given me last Christmas.
Andrew McManus has taken control of NWA: Anarchy. Good luck to him.
----------------------------------------------------

Hazem’s Kebab Shop Presents: It’s Only Hypothermia​

The crowd of two people are all rugged up, thankfully, because I’m not sure whether I’d be liable for their medical costs if they got hypothermia or a really nasty strain of flu while in my back yard. Sophie is one of these people, whilst my landlord is the other. He mentioned something about rent, but I made him pay for a ticket and wait until I was done. Ooh, I’m a business mastermind.

Magro had everyone psyched up with a stirring rendition of Joe Dolce’s timeless classic ‘What’s A Matter You?’

Joey Taga vs. Ms. Ethel Whitebridge
Ouch, the crowd really didn’t care about this one. Let’s face it, an Eskimo vs. a lawyer isn’t exactly what you come out in the freezing cold to see. You order it on PPV. Ethel didn’t sell worth a damn, which made Taga look like something of an idiot. He ended up getting a dirty win after using the exposed turnbuckle on Ms. Ethel’s face. I saw Magro flinch when this happened. I’ll need to talk to him about fraternising with the talent. Earned a 9% crowd reaction, a 25% match quality, and a woeful 17% overall.
The Ice came out to mixed response from a largely indifferent crowd. We originally toyed with the idea of painting him blue, but we ran out of paint after one arm. So, The Ice has one bright blue arm and the rest of him is just plain old skin coloured.

Taga: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the next big thing in Backyard Wrestling. The one. The only. The Ice!
(Mixed applause)

Taga: While trekking through the blasted icelands of my native country, Alaska, I came across this natural phenomenon fighting not one, but two polar bears over the discarded remains of an unfortunate penguin. He fought with such rage that I knew he’d make an impact in the squared circle. Stand back, ladies and gentleman, because what The Ice is about to do to VB Fosters will not be pretty. And above all else, remember one thing about The Ice….

Ice: I’m not cool, I’m frozen.

Crowd really didn’t care until that finishing tag-line. Rated a 46%

The Ice vs. VB Fosters
Ice was understandably pissed off when I asked him to job in his first match, but as one of only two faces on the roster, I really need Fosters over. Ice brawled well, and dominated for most of the match, before Fosters got an underdog win with a Cold Hard Beer (which is essentially a Stone Cold Stunner). As I frantically motioned to VB Fosters that he couldn’t chug beer for fear of being sued for copyright infringement by WWE creative (or is it ECW creative?), The Ice spun him around and hit his even flow DDT, better known as On Ice. A disappointing 36% rating (21% crowd and 52% match)

Sir Quincy Penfold III vs. Skid Row
I’m a persistent bastard, what can I say? After seeing this match draw a 0% crowd reaction at our first event, I decided a rematch was in order. Whilst the rich man and the bum managed to improve on last week’s match quality (60%) the crowd were painfully quiet. In fact, one of the more antsy audience members left entirely. It’s sad, really, since it was a good match with plenty of quality brawling. Skid Row made it two from two when he hit Spare Change and then beat down SPQ3 with a chair. Overall quality was a measly 30%

Mr Charisma and VB Fosters vs. Sir Quincy Penfold III and The Dungeon Master
The fans were excited to be witnessing BSW’s first ever tag team matchup. Unfortunately, they fast lost interest thanks to Fosters’ no-selling and Sir Quincy Penfold III being, perhaps, the most boring wrestler since Chris Masters (which isn’t a long time, really). Dungeon Master eventually pinned Mr Charisma after a football like punt to Charisma’s crotch. Sophie visibly flinched at this. I must talk to her about fraternising with the talent. A 19% crowd rating all but killed the 50% match rating, for a total of 34%

After the match, Mr Charisma stood up (rather gingerly) to speak. In a higher pitched voice than usual, he basically blasted Dungeon Master for his low-blow and then called his arch-nemesis out.

Charisma: DM, you son of a bitch, do you even know what it feels like to have someone kick your crotch?
DM: Well, no, but I figured it’d be…
Charisma: Wait a minute. You’ve never been kicked in the nuts?
DM: Well, not really, no. You see, I don’t get out much, and well, when I do I generally slip under the radar, you know?
Charisma: Let’s just say that kicking a guy there isn’t good. I’ve gotta ask you not to do it again. Not for my sake, but for the sake of the ladies… (He eyed Sophie at this point. She seemed over the moon. I’m not sure if it was jealousy I felt, or just empathy for Charisma’s bruised balls)
DM: Oh yeah, I know all about the ladies…
Charisma: Oh yeah? We’ve got time. How about you tell us all about the ladies?
DM: Uh… well…. Once….
Charisma: Come on, out with it, DM. Tell us about your last sexual experience…
DM: (Blushing furiously) Uh… there was this Elf…
Charisma: I knew it. Get your virginal ass out of the ring before I throw you out!

(DM scurries away to teasing from the crowd, who enjoyed the segment for a 51% rating).

Next out is Ms. Ethel, who has Skid Row with her. They are arguing.
Skid Row: …alright, but if I come out here and let you talk about me, you’ll buy me McDonalds?
Ethel: Yes, Skid Row, that was the deal. Now can you just shut up and look intimidating?
Skid Row: Sure thing.
Ethel: Tonight you will witness a story for the ages. It will be the epic rise of one manabove adversity, away from alcoholism, and into the annals of Berner Street Wrestling history. No other wrestling federation can boast this rags to riches tale. Tonight, when Skid Row pins Mr Charisma 1-2-3, you will witness the completion of my life’s ambition. What’s that, you ask? Why, to become the #1 woman in the world of wrestling. If I can turn a foul-smelling, uncharismatic, talentless hobo into a champion…
Skid Row: What was that?
Ethel: (Pressing on)… then I can prove to the world, and more importantly, to the WWE that I’m the finest manager in the world. You think I like standing out here in the cold and letting you hicks ogle me? I don’t find it liberating. Unlike some of your wives, I don’t get a cheap thrill out of seeing a man with a beer gut and a three day shadow not so subtly adjust himself. Tonight, when Skid row pins Mr Charisma, I will be one step closer to leaving this sh*tty backyard and one step closer to managing real champions.
This bitch has the sh*t on the mike, scoring a game high 68% with her not entirely scripted promo. I’ll have to talk with her about putting down my back yard.

Mr Charisma © vs. Skid Row for the Berner Street World Title
To steal a page from Platinum, Booyah! This match was the finest in the BSW’s short history, garnering a 70% match quality as the two talented workers beat one another from pillar to post. The crowd were semi into it as well, for a 26% crowd reaction and an overall rating of 48%.

MrC hits a swinging DDT on Skid Row after giving him a substantial beating, cover, but somehow Skid Row is able to kick out by drawing on his super hobo powers. Skid Row fights back into it and locks in a sleeper hold. The combined pressure on the throat and the fetid stench of Skid Row seems to be having an effect, but Charisma counters with a neckbreaker! Skid Row scrambles to the corner, and the ref moves to stop Mr Charisma from following. While he’s distracted, Ms Ethel slides the brass knuckles to Skid Row.

Charisma eventually bypasses the ref, and is floored! The ref has seen the knuckles though, and disqualifies Skid Row for using an illegal weapon. Skid Row in turn floors him with the knuckles, and finishes the show standing over a fallen Charisma and Bruno Leclerc. The bastard!

---------

They say you can't improve on perfect, and in my case, I can't even improve on 45%

BEST SEGMENT: Ms Ethel Whitebridge and Skid Row on the mike (68%)
WORST SEGMENT: Joey Taga vs. Ethel Whitebridge (17%)

 

[Misanthrope]

Berner Street Wrestling: Kebabmania
​

The crowd of two comes in, takes their complimentary kebabs (although that stingy bastard, Hazem, didn’t include garlic sauce, hummus, or tabouli), and prepared to watch what promises to be a great show. The first ever Kebabmania!

The show opens with Joey Taga in the ‘ring’ with The Ice.
Joey: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, you’re going to be given an example of Eskimo justice. Last week The Ice was given a less than cool reception into Berner Street Wrestling, and this week he exacts revenge by punishing your beloved champion, Mr. Charisma. Do none of you see what management are doing to you? His name is Mr. Charisma, for God’s sake! Why not just call him Mr. Tremendously Popular Face and complete the deception?? It’s just…NOT….COOL!
The Ice: You know what is cool?
Joey: You, Ice-baby?
The Ice: No. I’m not cool. I’m frozen
Joey: And that’s cool….

The crowd enjoyed this. Maybe it’s just me, but I like The Ice’s catch phrase. Solid opener with a 52% crowd reaction.

Skid Row vs. Joey Taga
Well, Skid Row carried this match, as you’d expect. If you missed last month’s show, this was Row getting revenge for Joey’s cheap in over his valet. To return the favour, Ms. Ethel got involved in the finish- giving Joey a guillotine while he yelled at her for being a ‘slave to management’, no doubt referring to her revealing suit. Skid Row probably would have won without help, but the fans dig that Ms. Ethel. Pity that didn’t dig the match, which earned a 2% crowd reaction and a 44% match quality. 23% overall.

Following their ‘demolition’ of BSW’s only Inuit resident, Ms Ethel and Skid Row get on the non-existent mike to address the crowd.
Ethel: What you all just witnessed is what I like to call a hostile takeover. You see, Skid Row and I could have won the World Title last week. It was ours for the taking, but somewhere between the number 1 and the number 3 in MrCharisma’s cover, I realised we’re thinking too small. Why settle for a pissy little title when we can dominate the entire fed? Wouldn’t that send a message to the world of professional wrestling? None of this Berner Street Wrestling crap. Instead you’d see ‘Ms Ethel Whitebridge Wrestling’ at the top of a PPV marquee….
Skid Row: Uh… what about me, Ms. Ethel?
Ethel: Why, of course you’d feature in my plans. You’re the alpha to my omega. You’re…
Skid Row: Got any spare change?
Ethel: Are you even listening to my master plan, Skid?
Skid Row: I just need it for the bus ride home
Ethel: *Sigh* Yes, I have spare change. Come, Skid, we have another match to prepare for.

Ms. Ethel continues to deliver the goods, giving us a 68% rating.

VB Fosters vs. Sir Quincy Penfold III
Ok, first he demands a pay rise, then VB no-sells the entire match. I don’t care how many cartons of free piss he brings to shows, he’s fired as soon as the show is over. Was a half decent match, aside from Fosters’ inability to put another man over. Sir Quincy eventually picked up a win with a sneaky low blow and a rollup. Yes, he has a finisher. Will we ever see it? Not as long as a good fist to the testicular region will pick up victory. Crowd’s care factor was ok, at 16%, but nobody really got into it. 48% match quality makes for a total quality of 32%. Way to drag down the card, guys.

With Fosters still reeling from the low blow, there’s nobody around to stop Sir Quincy from doing what he thinks he does best – lecturing the masses. I admit, masses is a bit of an exaggeration.
SPQ3: Hellooooo Aus-trali-ans! I must say it’s…. oh, bugger it. It’s not loverly to be here at all. It’s a damn disgrace! You know, just yester-DAY I had to beg like a common whore to get a pay rise from management. I had to get down on my knees like Sophie did to get her job, and I had to lower myself like…well…like all of you have by being at this rid-ick-ulous show! And the fact I’m booked into a match against an uncouth braggard like VB Fors-ters only worsens things. What next? Strap matches with Skid Row? Bra and panties matches against Ms. Ethel? Oh, let me guess. The powers that be will put me in an explosive razor blade on a pole ladder match. That’s just de-light-ful! Good evening to you all!

I don’t know why the crowd don’t dig Quincy as much as I do. He only got a 43% for this comic gem.

The Ice vs. Mr Charisma
Well, I’ve found someone who can match with with MrC as well as Skid Row seems to. The Ice made a huge impact in this match, using his menacing appearance and height to do some damage to the champion in this non title bout. In fact, when Ice went for a cover after a lifting DDT, the crowd almost bought it as the win. Eventually Charisma was able to ‘Charisma up’ and hit the Working Class Slam for the win. Crowd were really into it at 35%, whilst a match quality of 66% gives an overall rating of 50% (Note: This makes it the best match in BSW history!)

The Ice vs. Skid Row
Well, wasn’t this wonderful booking? Having The Ice back up from one loss to face Skid Row in a heel vs. heel conflict. I know, I know. It’s revenge on Skid Row for beating Joey Taga earlier in the night. The Ice basically continued paying his jobbing dues, and Skid Row looked set to pick up a clean win when he hit Spare Change. Joey Taga got his fur wearing ass down to the ring and broke up the count though, ending it in a DQ victory for Row. Crowd didn’t give a damn (5%) but a match quality of 54% helped things to a 29% overall rating.

Mr Charisma came out to a modest cheer from Sophie (I swear she’s doing it just to make me jealous). He sent her a wink. I think I’ll make him job next week. Job to Joey Taga.
Charisma: You know what I love about Berner Street Wrestling? (Crowd actually asked ‘what’) What I love about it is that each and every week I get to come out here and see such a beautiful crowd. (He’s talking about Sophie, I just know it) What I love is that I get to wrestle against such talented opposition every week, and what I love is that I get paid to do this. Can you believe it?

The Dungeon Master comes along to break up the love-fest, much to my relief.
DM: Oh, my, my. Someone’s rolled a natural twenty on their charisma check I see…
Charisma: What the hell are you talking about, bed wetter?
DM: You know exactly what I mean. You’re trying to cast Charm Person on these suckers, but I’m here to boost their saving throw. They’re not your uneducated WWE fans, Charisma, they’re BSW fans. They’re the smartest fans in the world! (Evil laugh, which fails to cover up the boos)
Charisma: Yes, they are smart, which is why they’re not buying into your bullsh*t. So why don’t you take your hand, put it on your +1 mace, and go be a jerk-off someplace else?
DM: (Outraged) Oh, that’s it. I’m about to go combat rating 50 on your ass!

The crowd liked the banter, for a 54% rating

MrCharisma vs. The Dungeon Master for the Berner Street World Title
It’s a match with plenty of intensity, as MrCharisma starts off with some ‘Rock-like’ offence that backs Dungeon Master into a corner. He pleads for mercy, and Charisma does the face thing and lets him up. Bad move, and a low blow sends the champ to the floor. The brawl continues, but gradually Mr Charisma is able to ‘Charisma up’ and fight out of it. Skid Row comes down to the ring, shoves an old woman out of her plastic lawn chair, and prepares to hit Charisma with it. Charisma reverses, and the chair shatters over The Dungeon Master’s back (note: will be taking that out of Skid Row’s paycheck). The ref turns a blind eye (well, he was eating one of his Dad’s kebabs) and the cover is made. Mr Charisma retains thanks to an unwitting assist from Skid Row! The crowd weren’t into this as much as The Ice’s match, but 30% is respectable to go along with the 63% match quality. Overall was 46%

Despite being my favourite show thus far, Kebabmania only managed a 43%.
BEST SEGMENT: Ms Ethel and Skid Row interview
WORST SEGMENT: The Ice vs. Skid Row

I need better workers for the other matches. I need a new face! VB Fosters is goooorne.

 

[Manurewa_Marlins]

I love this dairy! Loved it on EWBattleground, loving it here. You sure you have no room for "The Franchise" Sean Lawrence on your roster? ;-)

 

[Misanthrope]

I love this dairy! Loved it on EWBattleground, loving it here. You sure you have no room for "The Franchise" Sean Lawrence on your roster?

Maybe further down the line. As it is, I've booked about three years of the diary before I'll be able to start posting new stuff :lol: