firkinfunbar

[ozbash]

lol, i love it.
Rabbit story
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a
giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,
"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so much better!
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running
with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running
with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them
and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come
across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says,
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with
us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of
the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and
ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little f**ker! He makes me run around the forest like an
idiot every time he is on ecstasy!"

 

[ozbash]

these are from "hazy" who used to post on worl,soon to be posting here.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
>
> So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottles sodas and sandwiches.
>
>
> The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10
> whole days to get there.
>
> By the time they arrive, everyone is exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of
> the basket one by one.
>
> He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimmie the bottle
> opener."
>
> "I didn't bring the bottle opener" Steve says. "I thought you packed it."
>
> Joe gets worried.
>
> He turns to Raymond.
>
> "Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?"
>
> Naturally Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away
> from home without soda.
>
> Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond
> flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets
> back.
>
> After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go,
> swearing on their great grandturtles' graves that they won't touch the
> food.
>
> So, Raymond sets off down the road slowly and steadily.
>
> Twenty days pass, but no Raymond.
>
> Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
>
> Another day passes and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
>
> After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting
> restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
>
> "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
>
> Five more days pass.
>
> Joe realises that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road,
> so the turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths
> to eat.
>
> But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and
> says, "I knew it! That's it! I'm not f**king going!"
>
>