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MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES: > > NEW COMPANY POLICIES: > > > > SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: - > > We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. > > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. > > > > SURGERY: - > > Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you > > need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. > > We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a > > breach of employment. > > > > BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: - > > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do > > for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be > > made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare > > cases, where employeei nvolvement is necessary, the funeral should > > be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work > > through yourl unch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. > > > > YOUR OWN DEATH: - > > This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least > > two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. > > > > TOILET USE > > Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the > > future, we will follow the practices of going in alphabetical > > order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from > > 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 > > to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be > > necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In > > extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a > > co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve the exchange in > > writing. In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit > > in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm bell will > > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will > > open. > > > > PAYCHEQUE DEDUCTIONS: - > > The following helpful guide has been prepares to help our employees > > better understand their paychques; > > > > Item Amount > > Gross pay $1,222.02 > > Income tax $ 244.40 > > Outgo tax $45.21 > > State tax $11.61 > > Interstate tax $61.10 > > County tax $6.11 > > City tax $12.22 > > Rural tax $4.44 > > Back tax $1.11 > > Front tax $1.16 > > Side tax $1.61 > > Up tax $2.22 > > Tic-Tacs $1.98 > > Thumbtacks $ 3.93 > > Carpet tacks $0.98 > > Stadium tax $0.69 > > Flat tax $8.32 > > Surtax $3.46 > > Corporate tax $2.60 > > Parking fee $5.00 > > F.I.C.A. $81.88 > > T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 > > Life insurance $5.85 > > Health insurance $16.23 > > Dental insurance $4.50 > > Mental insurance $4.33 > > Reassurance $0.11 > > Disability $2.50 > > Ability $0.25 > > Liability $3.41 > > Unreliability $10.99 > > Coffee $6.85 > > Coffee cups $66.51 > > Floor rental $16.85 > > Chair rental $0.32 > > Desk rental $4.32 > > Union dues $5.85 > > Union don'ts $3.77 > > Cash advance $0.69 > > Cash retreats $121.35 > > Overtime $1.26 > > Undertime $54.83 > > Eastern time $9.00 > > Central time $8.00 > > Mountain time $7.00 > > Pacific time $6.00 > > Time out $12.21 > > Oxygen $10.02 > > Water $16.54 > > Heat $51.42 > > Cool air $26.83 > > Hot air $20.00 > > Miscellaneous $113.29 > > Sundry $12.09 > > Various $ 8.01 > > > > Net take home pay $0.02 > > > > Thank you for you loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a > > positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, > > complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, > > allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input > > should be directed elsewhere. > > > > Have a nice week. > > > > Management
