Andy
First Grade
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In the grand sweep of history, people who go to prison as punishment for a crime, pretty much beat the rap. Old-time justice beat the snot out of you, or chopped off the head containing the snot.
With that in mind, here are five excellent reasons why Martha Stewart might welcome the chance to redecorate a minimum security prison--given the historic alternatives.
1. Flogging
Modern prisons, built for reform and buggery, didn't come to be until the late 18th and early 19th centuries. Prior to that, convicts got beat, banished, or butchered, not warehoused. Small-time crooks, more often than not, were stripped and flogged. In fact, Delaware, a state known for its corporate-friendly law, flogged some poor sap as recently as 1952. Other cultures still don't spare the rod. Singapore, for example, caned an American teenager for vandalism in 1994, though it did reduce the sentence from six butt-blistering strokes to four.
2. Hanging
Troublemakers not acquitted or flogged generally swung at the end of a rope. And, historically, they did swing. The "modern" method of hanging imagined by most Americans--where the noose quickly snaps the condemned person's neck--is newfangled. Most of the time, a hanging death meant slow strangulation. Even now, many countries take their convicts to the gallows. In the United States, hanging is legal in Washington and Delaware (though Delaware dismantled its gallows last year), and condemned necks have snapped as recently as 1996.
3. Drawing and Quartering
Filtch a purse, get flogged. Beat a neighbor, get hanged. But commit treason against the English king, and you are really in trouble. First, you were dragged to the place of your doom. Then, you were hanged--but not until death. No, hanging was the pregame warm-up. Next, your intestines were removed from your gut and burned before your eyes. Then, and only then, were you beheaded. To add insult to injury, your body was cut into four pieces and denied a Christian burial. Scotland's William Wallace was one of the first to suffer this gruesome fate in 1305. The last came in 1820.
4. Beheading
Having your head whacked off with an axe or sword doesn't sound particularly nice, but it was the punishment that aristocrats traditionally reserved for themselves. The ancient Greeks and Romans reserved beheading for citizens, and only a high-ranking Englishman ever lived to see his head parted from his neck. Whipping and hanging were for slaves and plebes, while fines (called delicts in Rome) and beheading were upper-crust punishments--until the French Revolution, that is. Tired of seeing nobles have all the fun, the revolutionaries introduced the guillotine in 1792 as a way to bring beheading to everyone, regardless of social class. The last head rolled in 1977.
5. Crucifixion
If beheading was generally reserved for grand high muck-a-mucks, crucifixion was for those literally in the muck: slaves, pirates, rebels, the despised--anyone with few rights and less standing. The Romans, of course, made crucifixion famous, but the ancient Persians probably dreamed it up. Death could take hours or even days, and generally came from shock, heart failure, or suffocation, as the victim gradually lost the strength to support his body's weight and found it harder and harder to breathe. Impatient Romans sometimes hastened the process by shattering the victim's legs with an iron club.
Michael Himick
March 8, 2004
With that in mind, here are five excellent reasons why Martha Stewart might welcome the chance to redecorate a minimum security prison--given the historic alternatives.
1. Flogging
Modern prisons, built for reform and buggery, didn't come to be until the late 18th and early 19th centuries. Prior to that, convicts got beat, banished, or butchered, not warehoused. Small-time crooks, more often than not, were stripped and flogged. In fact, Delaware, a state known for its corporate-friendly law, flogged some poor sap as recently as 1952. Other cultures still don't spare the rod. Singapore, for example, caned an American teenager for vandalism in 1994, though it did reduce the sentence from six butt-blistering strokes to four.
2. Hanging
Troublemakers not acquitted or flogged generally swung at the end of a rope. And, historically, they did swing. The "modern" method of hanging imagined by most Americans--where the noose quickly snaps the condemned person's neck--is newfangled. Most of the time, a hanging death meant slow strangulation. Even now, many countries take their convicts to the gallows. In the United States, hanging is legal in Washington and Delaware (though Delaware dismantled its gallows last year), and condemned necks have snapped as recently as 1996.
3. Drawing and Quartering
Filtch a purse, get flogged. Beat a neighbor, get hanged. But commit treason against the English king, and you are really in trouble. First, you were dragged to the place of your doom. Then, you were hanged--but not until death. No, hanging was the pregame warm-up. Next, your intestines were removed from your gut and burned before your eyes. Then, and only then, were you beheaded. To add insult to injury, your body was cut into four pieces and denied a Christian burial. Scotland's William Wallace was one of the first to suffer this gruesome fate in 1305. The last came in 1820.
4. Beheading
Having your head whacked off with an axe or sword doesn't sound particularly nice, but it was the punishment that aristocrats traditionally reserved for themselves. The ancient Greeks and Romans reserved beheading for citizens, and only a high-ranking Englishman ever lived to see his head parted from his neck. Whipping and hanging were for slaves and plebes, while fines (called delicts in Rome) and beheading were upper-crust punishments--until the French Revolution, that is. Tired of seeing nobles have all the fun, the revolutionaries introduced the guillotine in 1792 as a way to bring beheading to everyone, regardless of social class. The last head rolled in 1977.
5. Crucifixion
If beheading was generally reserved for grand high muck-a-mucks, crucifixion was for those literally in the muck: slaves, pirates, rebels, the despised--anyone with few rights and less standing. The Romans, of course, made crucifixion famous, but the ancient Persians probably dreamed it up. Death could take hours or even days, and generally came from shock, heart failure, or suffocation, as the victim gradually lost the strength to support his body's weight and found it harder and harder to breathe. Impatient Romans sometimes hastened the process by shattering the victim's legs with an iron club.
Michael Himick
March 8, 2004
