Papa Shango is Late Handles Your Crappy Arguments
[We specialize in errata and history ‘round here, but seriously, there’s some nonsense floating around. Let’s get to it. And just to clarify off the bat, I’m a huge Punk fan. I’m a Punk O.G. I was driving to see C.M. Punk in shitty gyms that smelled like feet when you were like
seven. I was hating on The Rock when you were fingerpainting. Don’t try to go with me, you’ll get slapped the f**k down.]
- This is bullshit! CM Punk’s reign was something special!
Yes it was, and it still is. It was already the longest reign in 25 years, the longest in the modern era, and the longest by anyone not named Hogan, Backlund, Sammartino or Morales. You got it. It happened. It’s done. It was a longer reign than
any by Rock, Austin, Undertaker, HHH, Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Ric Flair, or HBK. What the hell more did you want?
- I wanted it to be longer.
Why? So he could beat Cena two or three more times? So he could re-hash matches that already happened and were awesome with Ziggler or Bryan? So The Shield could foil Ryback an additional eighteen times? Don’t get greedy.
- I wanted him to actually beat some dudes clean! They should’ve booked him stronger!
Dude. Pro wrestling. Have you not been here long? That’s how heel champions work. Check with the Four Horsemen or the nWo. This is what goes on. In fact, Punk was booked stronger — I’d like you to note that this is the longest reign in the history of the company by a heel. Every longer reign was by an unbeatable conquering hero type. This is the strongest heel reign in the history of wrestling, even if he was a face for half of it.
- But he went down to the damn People’s Elbow! That makes him look like a bitch!
Did it make Hogan look weak? Or, you know,
everybody for five years? Everyone has jobbed to the elbowdrop. And don’t start about finishing moves. Hogan’s finisher was a weak-ass legdrop. It’s pro wrestling. It hurts if they say it hurts.
No, f**k you, I’m not done with this point yet. The WWE made CM Punk look stronger last night than they have at any point during his run. He kicked out of a Rock Bottom on the floor which was immediately preceded by a nasty table bump. He took it to The Rock more than Cena did at ‘Mania. And in case you haven’t noticed, only tippy-top guys who WWE has absolute faith in get to main event a big four PPV against The Rock. (Not Awesome Truth, that doesn’t count.) The fact that he lost is not WWE showing its lack of faith in CM Punk. If they didn’t have faith in CM Punk, they wouldn’t have kept their top title on him for a damn year and a half. That argument doesn’t even make sense, internet.
- But it would’ve been better if he had defended the title at ‘Mania! The whole title reign was building to that!
No it wasn’t. Duh. First off, he’s a heel. Do you know what heels do at ‘Mania? They lose the belt to a top face. If that had happened, you just would’ve been bitching about it then. And the booking on this has been clear for, oh, I don’t know,
two years. Don’t play dumb.
- That’s the problem! You could see this coming from a mile away!
You could see the obvious, money-drawing angle that they’ve built the company around for almost half a decade coming? Good for you. The buildup to Cena-Rock II at WM29 has been underway for years. Literal years. You think they’re going to f**k with that just to make a 400-day title reign a 500-day title reign?
- I don’t want Cena-Rock II! That’s freakin’ lame!
Dude, step back. This is the most strongly built angle since the damn Megapowers exploded. Seriously. Cena started casting shade on Rock like seven years ago, when they didn’t even know if they could ever get him back in the ring again. It built perfectly to WM27, which built for a whole damn year to WM28, which has built for a whole damn year to WM29. You could argue that it’s the most carefully built angle in WWE history. And it makes them
billions of dollars.
- They shouldn’t be doing it again. It was billed as “Once in a Lifetime”. They’re cheapening last year.
NO. Not at all. This is the stupidest, most selective-memory argument that the internet has come up with in forever. The endgame to this epic angle was obviously and always Cena going over Rock, for exactly the reason every butthurt internet fan ever points out — that Rock is a part-time guy and Cena is the guy. (The fact that Cena’s not
your guy is irrelevant.) You know what makes Cena’s win stronger? If he failed to beat Rocky last year. You know how you set it up again without invalidating the Once-in-a-Lifetime thing? Book it so that it happens organically, via Cena winning the Rumble and Rock holding the title. This isn’t new. Luger wasn’t supposed to get another shot at Yokozuna, but he won the ‘94 Rumble. Benoit wasn’t supposed to get another shot at HHH, but he won the ‘04 Rumble.
It’s called pro wrestling.
- But I don’t LIKE Rock and Cena! They’re not that good in the ring! They should be pushing the best wrestlers!
Again, welcome to pro wrestling, forever. The guys on top are the guys that draw the most money. John Cena draws crazy money, and has for ten years. The Rock draws all the remaining money. With this program, they’re going to sell out everything between now and Wrestlemania. That’s the name of the game. Lemme wise you to something: Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin were not the best wrestlers in the company during their respective reigns. Hell, neither was Sammartino. But every person in the country wanted to pay money to see them. That’s how it works. As it should be.
- If they would book guys like Punk stronger, they’d draw more money!
Than Cena or Rock? Nope, never. Reference the fact that, uh,
Punk was the champion for a year and a half. Can’t book him much stronger than that. And Cena was still the bigger draw. Deal with it. Get over it.
- But the whole thing is just a giant f**k-you to the IWC. They love trolling us. It happens every damn day…
No f**k you shut up forever. The smart fans have never had more of an influence over the product than they do right now. Ziggler, Bryan, Cesaro, Sandow, Rhodes, Punk and a billion other dudes are in prominent positions on every episode of every show. That’s for you. There you go. Have it. The people who buy WWE Rumblers and Brawlin’ Buddies and bedsheets pay the money and get Cena and Rock on top, you get the rest of the damn card. Again, don’t be f**king greedy.
- But now they’re saying that it’ll be Punk vs. Undertaker! So after this, Punk’s reward is laying down to keep an old man’s streak alive?
YES BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY THE BIGGEST HONOR IN THE COMPANY. Pay attention.
The Undertaker’s streak has become a much bigger deal than the WWE Title. That shit is fact. That shit is gospel. The titles have been devalued; the streak is essentially the longest-running angle in the history of pro wrestling. It’s the most prestigious shit they have. Who gets to wrestle The Undertaker at ‘Mania? For four years, they’ve thought that only Shawn and HHH were worthy of it. Now Punk is. That’s a pretty f**king big deal.
f**k you no. That’s not how it works. He gets the biggest rub possible just by being in the match. And if he loses, than he can get it again next year, or someone else can, or it can be over and just go down in history as an awesome forever thing. We’re past the point where the Streak should’ve ended. It shouldn’t.
- Well, they’re not getting my money because I don’t like it.
You were illegally streaming the damn pay-per-views anyway, f**khead. And if you weren’t, they’ll be more than happy with the hundreds of thousands of additional buys they’ll get by doing Cena-Rock II. And then they’ll get you back by booking Ziggler vs. Bryan vs. Punk vs. Cesaro in an IWC blowjob match at Over the Limit or some shit. Also, you’re still going to buy DVDs, you’re still going to pay like $40 for a Jinder Mahal action figure, and you’re still gonna drop like $150 when Raw comes to town on a Ziggler t-shirt so you can boo The Rock and feel like an individual. Don’t front.
- But I want only the things I like to happen all the time and I don’t give a shit about what anyone else wants! Especially children! I hate children!
We know.
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