Talking to kids about death and dying.

[Pantherjim.]

Hi,
First time parent here, and the first time I've been in this predicament, so am seeking advice from all the other parents out there who have lived with the terminal illness of a loved one and have had to tell kids of primary school age exactly what's going on.

My Mother is terminally ill with a frontal lobe brain tumour. I'd be very surprised if she sees Christmas. A few nights ago, my 5 &1/2 year old Daughter came up to me and asked: "Daddy, when is Nanna going to get better?"

Her question literally ripped me in two.

I picked her up, cuddled her and said "I don't know darlin." Even though I knew the truth.

(For reference, we are talking about a lady who is not in her late 60's yet and two years ago, when first diagnosed was walking, talking, could hold intelligent conversations and was giving my Daughter piggy backs. Now she has lost the power of speech and is wheelchair dependant.)

How did you as parents respond to a kid of this age? I mean I know eventually I'm going to have to be honest with her...but how do I break it?

 

[Twizzle]

You cant do a lot at that age as they simply dont understand

 

[Sans Souci Sainter]

Interesting watch here on "Death Denial and Acceptance", using Darth Vader as a reference and quoting philosophers and Buddha.

Also mentions at what age children can begin to truly understand death.

 

[sensesmaybenumbed]

This may be a little complex for small kids (obviously), but its something to simplify - I've used it myself and it seemed to satisfy my 4 year old.

“Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.”

“I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to ‘not matter.’ I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.”


“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph.

Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.”

“In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.”

“Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself.

And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.”

“Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

When the time comes, let them see you grieve, and tell them that even though it looks like you hurt, it's ok and normal.

 

[The Charlatan]

I've not gone through it myself with my son. He's only turning 2 next month and when he lost his great grandmother a few months back he didn't have any idea what's going on.

One thing I would suggest is don't tell her that she's sleeping as you'll probably send your poor kid around the bend (happened to me as a child.) Kids are clever and she'll pick up from other kids around her what's happening and it may f**k her right up.

Sorry to hear about your old girl too mate. I know you mentioned she wasn't well a while back, sad to hear that things haven't improved.

 

[Mogsheen Jadwat]

usually pets and their deaths help you out first in this regard, have you had this? can you not simply say, you know where lassie/whatever animals name is, that's where "insert impending dead person" is going. everyone has a time and a number, it was just their time.

not religious but shit, it's a kid, you say to them whatever helps them process it, when they are older you can be a bit more straight with them

 

[AJB1102]

usually pets and their deaths help you out first in this regard, have you had this? can you not simply say, you know where lassie/whatever animals name is, that's where "insert impending dead person" is going. everyone has a time and a number, it was just their time.

not religious but shit, it's a kid, you say to them whatever helps them process it, when they are older you can be a bit more straight with them

Yeah I was gonna mention the pet thing. But as far as saying "grandma is going where Lassie went" that'd all depend on what your idea of where the dead go.

In fact the answer to this question probably comes back to your beliefs as parents. If you're religious then your book will have the answer. If you admit you got no f**ken idea then it gets real and therefore tougher.

Maybe you gotta start slowly introducing that shitty inevitable part of life to your child. I can't remember how old this kid was the OP was talking about but maybe some kids movies that touch on death, first thing to mind is The Lion King with Mufasa which wouldn't really fit the scenario but you get the point. Kid might even know more than you think - ask her if she knows what happens when people get really old, use a plant or something as an example that it grows then dies, circle of life, and that it applies to humans as well. If she asks a question that we humans seriously dunno the answer to, maybe tell her you dunno but throw some options (nice ones) out there, she'll pick the one that feels best at the time and re-evaluate as she gets older. Its your kid I'd reckon you'd know how far to go, whether or not your kid sees through bullshit whatever.

Tough gig. Best of luck with the kid and also your mum, mate.

 

[Mogsheen Jadwat]

Yeah I was gonna mention the pet thing. But as far as saying "grandma is going where Lassie went" that'd all depend on what your idea of where the dead go.

In fact the answer to this question probably comes back to your beliefs as parents. If you're religious then your book will have the answer. If you admit you got no f**ken idea then it gets real and therefore tougher.

Maybe you gotta start slowly introducing that shitty inevitable part of life to your child. I can't remember how old this kid was the OP was talking about but maybe some kids movies that touch on death, first thing to mind is The Lion King with Mufasa which wouldn't really fit the scenario but you get the point. Kid might even know more than you think - ask her if she knows what happens when people get really old, use a plant or something as an example that it grows then dies, circle of life, and that it applies to humans as well. If she asks a question that we humans seriously dunno the answer to, maybe tell her you dunno but throw some options (nice ones) out there, she'll pick the one that feels best at the time and re-evaluate as she gets older. Its your kid I'd reckon you'd know how far to go, whether or not your kid sees through bullshit whatever.

Tough gig. Best of luck with the kid and also your mum, mate.

I'm not religious but if the kid is 5 years old then i'm going to treat them with kid gloves. Whatever helps them process and understand what's happening is ok. There is enough misery in the world waiting for them as they grow up/older, I personally wouldn't be racing to tell them the realities of the world at an age where their innocence should be preserved, to a certain extent.

 

[Pantherjim.]

I've not gone through it myself with my son. He's only turning 2 next month and when he lost his great grandmother a few months back he didn't have any idea what's going on.

One thing I would suggest is don't tell her that she's sleeping as you'll probably send your poor kid around the bend (happened to me as a child.) Kids are clever and she'll pick up from other kids around her what's happening and it may f**k her right up.

Sorry to hear about your old girl too mate. I know you mentioned she wasn't well a while back, sad to hear that things haven't improved.

Thanks mate.

Sorry for late response. Had to take some time off from posting here.

At least Mum is in good spirits even though she's lost the power of speech and is effectively paralysed down her right side.

A mate of mine has had a similar experience with his Daughter who was a year older when his Old Man passed on. My mate was straight up honest with his Daughter. Think I'll handle it the same way in the end.

 

[Pantherjim.]

usually pets and their deaths help you out first in this regard, have you had this? can you not simply say, you know where lassie/whatever animals name is, that's where "insert impending dead person" is going. everyone has a time and a number, it was just their time.

not religious but shit, it's a kid, you say to them whatever helps them process it, when they are older you can be a bit more straight with them

We've had a dead fish before but fish you normally don't get so attached to.

I think I'll try to rationalise the passing with "Nanna is going to be with God and ultimately a better place, you will see her again etc etc.." Even though I don't necessarily know if that's true myself.

As you've suggested: kids gloves. They need something to help them process the concept.

 

[Pantherjim.]

Yeah I was gonna mention the pet thing. But as far as saying "grandma is going where Lassie went" that'd all depend on what your idea of where the dead go.

In fact the answer to this question probably comes back to your beliefs as parents. If you're religious then your book will have the answer. If you admit you got no f**ken idea then it gets real and therefore tougher.

Maybe you gotta start slowly introducing that shitty inevitable part of life to your child. I can't remember how old this kid was the OP was talking about but maybe some kids movies that touch on death, first thing to mind is The Lion King with Mufasa which wouldn't really fit the scenario but you get the point. Kid might even know more than you think - ask her if she knows what happens when people get really old, use a plant or something as an example that it grows then dies, circle of life, and that it applies to humans as well. If she asks a question that we humans seriously dunno the answer to, maybe tell her you dunno but throw some options (nice ones) out there, she'll pick the one that feels best at the time and re-evaluate as she gets older. Its your kid I'd reckon you'd know how far to go, whether or not your kid sees through bullshit whatever.

Tough gig. Best of luck with the kid and also your mum, mate.

Thanks Mate.

 

[Mogsheen Jadwat]

We've had a dead fish before but fish you normally don't get so attached to.

I think I'll try to rationalise the passing with "Nanna is going to be with God and ultimately a better place, you will see her again etc etc.." Even though I don't necessarily know if that's true myself.

As you've suggested: kids gloves. They need something to help them process the concept.

All the best.

 

[Pantherjim.]

All the best.

Cheers mate.

 

[Pete Cash]

My mum died about 20 days ago and my sisters kid didnt really get the concept. She is a bit younger than yours though PJ.

Its tough even as an adult to appreciate the fact that someone you love is gone forever. Its an extremely tricky concept for a child. My grandmother died when i was about 5 and i literally cannot remember how my parents dealt with it. I can barely remember her.

I think its really just an explain it best you can type of deal and help them deal with it when they reach that age where they ponder the concept of forever and death. I remember i used to work myself up into what was a mini panic attack around 10 or 11 just thinking about the concept of eternity. Id imagine the vast emptiness of the universe as time continued on without me. Then my parents had to help me with the concept but at 5 nah i can barely remember being 5

 

[mave]

Condolences to you Pete.

 

[Pete Cash]

Thanks mate

she had been sick a long time so in some ways death was welcome. Its a harsh reality and all but death i guess isnt the worst thing. When we went around to dads place her medical history was on the fridge and it was seriously about 3 pages of incidents

She nearly died 3 or 4 years ago and she miraculously pulled through so i got a bonus few years with my mother.

I have all the sympathy in the world for what jims going through. Its hard as heck to watch a loved one go through this but i think harder still to watch a parent.

 

[The Charlatan]

Sorry to hear Pete.

 

[Pantherjim.]

My mum died about 20 days ago and my sisters kid didnt really get the concept. She is a bit younger than yours though PJ.

Its tough even as an adult to appreciate the fact that someone you love is gone forever. Its an extremely tricky concept for a child. My grandmother died when i was about 5 and i literally cannot remember how my parents dealt with it. I can barely remember her.

I think its really just an explain it best you can type of deal and help them deal with it when they reach that age where they ponder the concept of forever and death. I remember i used to work myself up into what was a mini panic attack around 10 or 11 just thinking about the concept of eternity. Id imagine the vast emptiness of the universe as time continued on without me. Then my parents had to help me with the concept but at 5 nah i can barely remember being 5

Sorry for late response Pete, haven't looked back at this thread for a few days.

My sincere condolences for your Mum, very sorry to hear mate.

Currently my Daughter's asking me when My Mum will get better, and I've been stalling the reality by responding with the "I don't know, darling"

She's watched Mum go from walking, and talking to being wheelchair bound and essentially speechless.

When the time comes, and it becomes obvious to her that Mum isn't going to get better, I'm going to try the honest, but kids gloves approach. I.e. "Nanna's going to a better place" even though I'm not necessarily convinced of this myself, I think it's important with kids to help them process the experience.

 

[Life's Good]

Thanks mate

she had been sick a long time so in some ways death was welcome. Its a harsh reality and all but death i guess isnt the worst thing. When we went around to dads place her medical history was on the fridge and it was seriously about 3 pages of incidents

She nearly died 3 or 4 years ago and she miraculously pulled through so i got a bonus few years with my mother.

I have all the sympathy in the world for what jims going through. Its hard as heck to watch a loved one go through this but i think harder still to watch a parent.

Very sad mate. Condolences.

 

[Life's Good]

Sorry for late response Pete, haven't looked back at this thread for a few days.

My sincere condolences for your Mum, very sorry to hear mate.

Currently my Daughter's asking me when My Mum will get better, and I've been stalling the reality by responding with the "I don't know, darling"

She's watched Mum go from walking, and talking to being wheelchair bound and essentially speechless.

When the time comes, and it becomes obvious to her that Mum isn't going to get better, I'm going to try the honest, but kids gloves approach. I.e. "Nanna's going to a better place" even though I'm not necessarily convinced of this myself, I think it's important with kids to help them process the experience.

Tough position to be in mate. I have no real advice to offer as every circumstance is different. I will say that from your posts above your daughter is in great hands and you will find the right words(and plenty of hugs)when needed.
All the best.