Back in 1995 I was trying to decide who to support and my brother in law (born and bred Eastern Suburbs and who supports Parramatta, no Newcastle, no St George.....) said "Easts are shit". That was enough for me - I committed on the spot. After all, when you've stood on the terraces at Leyton Orient you know what shit is. Hell, having watched Leyton Orient away at Mansfield (nil all draw, but it felt like a win cos they got a point) you live and breathe mediocrity. You welcome it, you name your children after it. It's in the blood.
So Easts it was.
Now I know since then there have been 6 Grand Finals and 2 Permierships, but I see those as merely blips on the radar - distractions from our true worthlessness as bottom dwellers and embracers of averageness.
2009 and 2016 are where our spiritual heartless lies and everyone knows it. Why else do we not have any supporters? Oh people talk about us being in Rugby Union, Soccer and AFL territory; or Rugby League being a working mans sport and the Eastern Suburbs is a land filled with toffee nosed effete arseholes looking for an opportunity to put the working man down. But we all know the real truth is that Easts are a bunch of namby pamby losers and other than Nathan Hindmarsh, nobody loves a loser. Especially not ones whose emblem is a chicken and who refer to themselves as Cocks.
We have a real grasp on what it takes to turn success around and show it the door too
3 Minor Premierships in a row? No, no, no. This is not the Easts we need. We need to get rid of the most talented five eighth the club has had since Fittler and farm him out to Hobbit land and make sure the door hits his arse on the way out.
Fast centres? Not round here pal. Jennings, you can take that speed of yours and go West. What we need is to find someone slow and dopey to replace you. If he gets injured, don't replace him with someone suited to the Centres. Take someone out of the back row and put him out there thereby weakening both positions in one fell swoop. That'll ensure us a loss or two more.
Our next idea is to make sure a raw kid full of talent plays almost an entire season obviously out of his depth, then once he's gained a World of experience, sign an old has been to replace him and stick him on the wing and make sure the ball never gets out to him. In the meantime, get one of your guns firing at full back, so the signing of the old has been is a genuine waste of salary cap.
Next start developing a decent five eighth again and then sign a hack from the toothless mob so we can spend three quarters of next year umming and ahhing about who can be the biggest on field failure. Swap them both in and out - blaming them both for any failures and then look to sign someone else. Rinse and repeat.
There are loads of reasons to be looking forward to next season. Most of them by fans of opposition teams who enjoy watching us slit our own throats.
I'm looking forward to the next instalment of "I got drunk in the off-season, brought the game into disrepute and am spending 8 weeks on the side-lines". I wonder who it'll be?
It doesn't really matter - because whenever we do get on the field, the video referee will come up with an excuse as to why our tries do not count.
