Full report thanks to World Wrestling Insanity.
Hey guys! Mike Rickard is out of action tonight. He sprained his wrist (Uncle Ralph has been making jokes about it all week.) At any rate, while Mike is on the DL, I figured I'd jump in and give you all the results of WWE's New Year's Revolution as it happens. So sit back, drink your leftover New Year's alcohol, and help me figure out why the hell it's 70 degrees in New York. The Revolution is being televised!
It's 2007. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are here and excited as heckfire about tonight's New Year's Revolution. It's the streak vs. the title as Umaga faces off with John Cena in the main event. But first up, it's Intercontinental Title time inside a steel cage. Ominous music plays as we go to the opening video package.
1. Steel Cage Match: Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro.
The crowd was solidly behind Jeff right off the bat. Referee was Chad Patton. The rules here were pinfall and submission. None of that fruity "escape the cage" crap. I never liked that anyway. The goal is to run away. Bah. Once you mix it up and make it a pinfall match, the cage is more of a weapon than an obstacle. Jeff took the advantage early and pounded Nitro in the corner before getting a really close two count. Melina screamed and Johnny recovered with a near fall of his own. But wait...hang on. I wasn't paying full attention. You can get a pin or escape the cage. Nevermind. At least then, you still have the pinfall option. Sure, you can run away if you want to, but that's...you know. Not cool. Ross says that both men have their pilot's licenses. (JG Note: Something scary about picturing Jeff Hardy as the pilot of your plane. I don't pray much, but I'd probably start right about then.) The crowd rings out with "Hardy" chants, but it doesn't stop the offense from Melina's man. The challenger pummels the Hardy Boy and tries to escape, but instead found himself flat on his back after a dropkick...that sent Jeff tumbling backwards into the cage. We rewatched it as the announcers looked at his awkward fall. He recovered though, but he probably wished he didn't. Nitro suplexed the Charismatic Enigma from the top of the cage down to the mat. In a pretty cool spot, Johnny Nitro got his womanly boots caught up in the top of the cage. He hung upside down backwards. Pretty crazy. Lawler said it could break his legs and he was right. Melina followed up stopping Hardy's climb to victory. She whipped his hands with her belt. Meow. Seeing this, John followed up with a missile dropkick and took control. It didn't last long. Jeffery had J-Nit down on the mat and nailed his trademark Swanton Bomb. He tried for a pinfall but got screwed by the ol' boot on the rope thing. JN recovered though and almost got out. When the MNM member was nearly out of the ring, JH tried to stop him. The Champ ran up the ropes and tried a Twist of Fate from the top. Johnny shoved him off and Hardy took a header. With Johnny-boy over the cage, Matt's bro tried to use the door. Nitro used his foot to keep the door shut, but the IC title holder pushed it open anyway…with Johnny Nitro straddled across. The door swung out with the challenger crotched on top. The crowd let out a collective groan of agony. OUCH! Very good match. The winner and still champion: Jeff Hardy. The loser and new soprano: Johnny Nitro.
Winner: Jeff Hardy.
Todd Grisham is standing by with Rated RKO. Randy Orton and Edge explain that they exist for one reason - to take out DeGeneration X. (JG Note: And so they can work together and get them some boot-ay.)
Up next: Tag Team Turmoil for a shot at the WWE Tag Team Titles.
2a. The Highlanders vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team
The announcers made mention of Roddy Piper and how the Landers look up to him. I wasn't too thrilled with the addition of this match. It didn't make much sense. Looking at the card, I thought there was enough there for them to work with already, but there could be a ton of reasons for adding a match. I get the need to cool the crowd down after a hot match, but this opening match was pretty low-key. It was like a nap break. It started to pick up after a bit though and when the High Guys got the advantage, the crowd woke up. Shelton Benjamin took advantage though. He got Robbie on the top rope and nailed him with a superplex. Count three and get some weird-ass non-team out here now!
2b. The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy
Huh? This team gets a tag title shot because...why? No clue. Weird choice. Anyway, the crowd dug it. It had more energy than the match before and Duggan can get a good reaction. When Super Crazy (JG Note: Who Jerry Lawler and Ross thought was "Grande Loco") came in, he hit an Asai moonsault, but again fell to Shelton Benjamin. Benji got the pin while Charlie Haas adjusted his headband. Oooo. Pretty Charlie!
2c. The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
Trevor kept his shirt on in this one. I guess he realized he looked to much like Francis Buxton from Pee Wee's Big Adventure to go for the Steve Austin-trunks. The match was heels vs. heels so the crowd was lukewarm. The announcers spent a lot of time making fun of Murdoch for being a redneck. However, the joke was on them. That "redneck" got himself a pinfall on Charlie Haas. Yo, yo, yo...
2d. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs. Cryme Tyme
These are the final two teams. The winning duo will recieve a tag title match "sometime in the future." That's kinda vague. The announcers speculate over who the tag champs will be - DX or RKO? No matter what letters hold the straps, they'll defend them against the winners of Cryme Tyme and Cade/Murdoch...at some point in the future. Not sure when. At one point, Cryme Tyme got robbed (oh the irony) when the referee missed a pinfall. Lawler hounded the ref for the bulk of the match. Marty Lyons - the third man in the ring - was doing poorly, I suppose. King was saying it so much, I thought it might be an angle to turn Marty heel. After "Dangerous" Danny Davis, I'm always suspicous of the referees. In the end, Lyons didn't Nick Patrick us. He was there when Shad and JTG hit their finisher and scored a 1,2,3. That means that C.T. gets a title match...and that RKO will most likely retain later.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Vince McMahon and John Coachman are backstage in the Red Room. Vinnie Mac is still talking about Donald Trump and his girlfriend, Rosie O'Donnell. Daddy Mac goes over all the quotes from the Donald-Rosie feud. Coach says it sounds like something WWE would do. Vince likes that. How about we resolve this feud with "physical abuse?" Oh God. VKM makes the announcement. Tomorrow night…Monday Night Raw…Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell! McMahon says he could make it happen and it'll definitely get some ratings. Coachy takes the opportunity to commend his boss for creating the term "You're Fired." After some more butt-smooches, Vinnie walks off. When Jonathon turns his head, he's greeted by another catchphrase.
"Damn!"
- Ron Simmons, 8:51pm
The Royal Rumble is on its way. Save those soda cans.
3. Kenny Dykstra vs. Ric Flair
The former Cheerleader came to the ring with a Flairesque robe and talked some smack before bell time. As the match began, Ken made it clear that he was here to mock the Nature Boy. He did his mannerisms and strut while the fans booed him. That was enough to make Naitch mad. Ric came back with some chops and whipped the bluechipper from post to post. This match was slow at times, but expected given the match. The crowd pops for most of the stuff that Flair does anyway, so it doesn't matter. That's when he did it...Ric went to the top. Guess what. Guess. Yeah. He got caught. To his credit, the mad scientist-looking Evolutionary recovered and locked on his Figure Four. Lawler said, "Come on, big boy. Tell us what if feels like." (JG Note: Real slow. Moan, Kenny. Oh yeah. The King wants moaning.) Dykstra fought for a bit and got slapped in the face for his efforts. The Spiriter fought on though and kept getting caught in near falls. Finally, he reached the ropes. In the end, Lenny got in a low blow and scored a small package pinfall. That makes three in a row for Dykstra over the Diritiest Player in Triple H. Let's Go Mets!
Winner: Kenny Dykstra
Johnny Nitro is getting iced up backstage. He does a whisper promo to Melina and tells her to "call Joey." MNM needs to make the Hardys pay!
Mel goes to make that phone call, but is stopped by Victoria. One last check on the list, Melly Mel. Know who? You! Want off that list? Well, team with Vicki and make her the Women's Champion. If that happens, you'll get the first title match. Think about it. Scream about it. Do whatever you want with it. Just remember - the offer is on the table.
4. WWE Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Victoria
I'm glad they figured out what to do with Victoria. She's got the whole crazy thing down pat. I wish they'd bring back her Tatu song, though. That was awesome. J.R. gives us some trivia and says that both women have beaten Trish Stratus for the Women's Title at one time. Jerry Lawler asks Ross if he'd wear Mickie James's outfit for his next match. Jim responds that he's retired and we can all exhale now. As for the match - it was what it was. It had some slow moments and the crowd didn't seem too into it. When Toria started fisticuffs, The King said this:
"I like to see her wrestle, but I like to see her box as well and we have here tonight."
- Jerry Lawler, 9:18pm
Couldn't figure out if this was an intentional joke or not. It could have been either. That's when Melina showed up and distracted James. Candice and Maria ran out to stop her though. All this lead to a botched finish. Vick went for the Widow's Peak and Mickie reversed it. It was only a two though. Both women got back in position and redid it. It was a bit awkward, but wasn't as bad as it could have been. Good ending to a so-so match.
Winner: Mickie James
Promo for the The Hulk Hogan Anthology.
5. DeGeneration X vs. WWE Tag Champion Team Rated RKO
DX did the Mini-Wheats schtick before the bell, but got to business once it rang. All four guys brawled around the ring and made it more of a fight right from the get-go. I must have imagined that first bell because it rang when they got in the ring finally. The announcers hyped the promise of HHH and HBK to be violent and you braced yourself for some crazy stuff. Helmsley took care of Edge early with a hard clothesline as J.R. gave the accolades of all men in the ring. Things were pretty blah for a while, but the audience came to life when Triple H went batsheet insane on Orton with punches to the face. The Legend Killer bled but regained the advantage when Adam ran in with a chopblock. From there, The R Rated Superstar took control on the Game. The evil Canadian with lady-hair targeted Mr. Steph's knee and Ross reminded us about the one-legged man "in a fist fight." It definitely was a fight. After some brawling, Shawn Michaels found himself on the short end of the stick. He caught a belt to the head and bled like a stuck pig while the Nick Patrick referee from earlier...was out of position to check on him! Lawler again came down on Marty for his lack of ref skills, but it did no good. The blind ref continued the match and watched on as Randy pounded the Bloody Boy Toy to bits. After a superhot tag to Hunter, things picked up. Trips went to town on the heels and Michaels ran in with chairs. they destroyed arrogant champions in the same manner that they destroyed Ric Flair. The slammed chairs into them over and over while the referee was "wiped out." Then, like Sabu with 911, Shawn Michaels got table fever...
HBK left the ring and went to the announce table. People went nuts while he cleared it of the monitors. After he was done with that, he put Edge on it. On ehe other table, Triple H did the same to Randy Orton. The crowd popped while Michaels scaled the top rope. Then, Helmsley hit a Pedigree on Orton on his table, but it didn't break. Ouch. No matter. It was Shawn's turn to do his thing.
That he did. The Rocker sailed through the air and put Cowboy Bob's kid through the table with a flying elbow. It was a really great spot and one that ended the match. Why? No idea. The referee was out cold and we got some highspots. I guess they figured, "F**k it. We don't need a winner. We did all the stuff we were supposed to."
That being said, it was a really good match. Hunter seems to have suffered a ninjury to his knee. On the replay, it looked like it could be bad.
Winners: They played DX's music. So...them.
John Cena and Todd Grisham are doing the pre-match interview thang. Cena does half of it in his jokey Rock-mode. He does the second half in his melodramatic Bret Hart-mode. He ends it with a good yell. The Champ says that he's walking out of Kansas City with that title spinning around his waist.
6. Chris Masters vs. Carlito Cool
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler apologize for the mess. They tried to clean up the blood, but it didn't come off. Someone better get some Oxi Clean from Billy Mays. J.R. reminds us that Masters and Carlito were once a team. The sad thing? I completely forgot about that. The Masterpiece taunted his afroed opponent as he beat on him. Then Carly would come back and get some punches. Overall, it was pretty inconsequential. This is one of the most ho-hum feuds they've had Cool in for a while. The end came out of nowhere. Chris won with a handful of tights. No one was paying much attention though.
Winner: Chris Masters
After the bell, Chris slapped on his Masterlock. Ross said that the move had never been "officially broken." (JG Note: I guess that little army guy is sheet out of luck.) He eventually let go and left the ring to near-silence...
...but then, due to popular demand, he returned. Then he left again.
Torrie checked on her man and we were hyped for the big main event. It's up next.
7. WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga
WWE has done a great job with this conflict. It felt like a genuine World Title match when things began and you had a feeling it was a major match for Cena. Off the bat, the Champ realized how tough his challenger would be as some offense seemed to have no effect. The Samoan Bulldozer kept coming back for more and used John as a human lawn dart against the ring steps. With the Marine reeling, Jamala continued his assault. Cena dodged a bullet at one point by narrowly missing a hip drop from the undefeated challenger. The Thuggy Doctor thought he was all slick there and tried to follow with a scoop slam. His back had other ideas, though, and gave way. J.C. fell and the unbeaten Mr. Tattoo Face looked to have the upperhand yet again. Maga caught the Champion in mid-air and nailed him with a side slam. When he went for the pin, John got his foot on the bottom rope. J.R. says that Umi would love to add his name to the list of WWE Champions since it was established in "1963." (JG Note: Sure. Let's go with that. I gave up on the lineage game ever since Bischoff handed Hunter the title on Raw.) Once again, John found himself feeling froggy so he went for another big move. He lifted Umaga on his shoulders for an F-U but fell flat on his face...literally. Ross and Lawler agreed that the WWE Champion had never been manhandled in this manner before.
"We may be a Samoan Spike away from crowning a new WWE Champion here tonight in Kansas City."
- Jim Ross, 10:30pm
John Cena avoided that Spike though. He moved and mounted some more offense. It didn't do him much good as Umaga still kept coming back. Never count out the power of the crowd support. The Champ rebounded and suplexed the monster to a chorus of "ooos" and "ahhs." He nailed him with a Five Knuckle Shuffle and tried yet another F-U. Once again, he failed. J.R. says that it's not an "F-U Night." As Jesse Ventura would say, "He has more guts than brains." Samoa Jamal beat those brains into oblivion at every opportunity. However, he didn't factor in the clever tricks of the Champ. Johnny ran in when Maga wasn't looking and won with...a cradle. "A basic cradle." Nice.
Winner: John Cena
Umaga went nuts and Cena did the salute while we fade to black.
IMO doesn't sound like too bad a show although the ending to the DX vs. Rated RKO match sounds like a cop out, much like the Sabu vs. Rey Mysterio jr. match at ECW One Night Stand 2.
