J
Johnsy
Guest
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep
last night was a mere
disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy.
Still able to function relatively well. However,
you can drink 10
bottles of water and still feel as parched as the
Sahara. Even
vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side
of Fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a
stapler. The coffee
you hug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a
nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is
some light
filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and
writing junk
e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime someone walks
by you gag because
their perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random
gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
kicked you out at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a
dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good
Morning with Bert.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2
Sausage Rolls and a
litre of
diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is
throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss
has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that
you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or
it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the dodgems,
depending on your
gender. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look
like one big vein
and your hairstyle
makes you look like a reject from the class picture
of Moss Side
secondary
school circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for
one of the
following -Home
time - A Doner kebab and somewhere to be alone - A
time machine so
you
could go back and NOT have gone out the night
before.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is
seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has
lost the ability to tolerate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating
you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the
moisture left in
your body. Death
seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even
get mad and your
co-workers
think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You
should have
called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is
breathe . . .. Very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes
instantly; as you
were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You
get about 2 hours
sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that
your bed has been cleared for take off and flying
relentlessly around
the room. No matter what you do you know you're
going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is
in a yacht under
sail. After walking along the skirting boards on
alternating walls
knocking all the
pictures off, you find the dunny. If you are lucky
you will remember
to lift
the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake
the whole house up
with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the
floor in
your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world
you have left
(the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting
and farting... Help usually comes at this
stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down
your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and
it goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty,
your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15- minute intervals, but your body won't
relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself
inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out of your mouth
on the last occasion. You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now
occurring at 1 hour intervals. It is
now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. You are abused again for trying to get into bed with lumpy
bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept the advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. The whole day spent
(as hangover 4 star) you finally feel well enough to eat again on the
following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts
for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again .
Johnsy
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep
last night was a mere
disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy.
Still able to function relatively well. However,
you can drink 10
bottles of water and still feel as parched as the
Sahara. Even
vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side
of Fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a
stapler. The coffee
you hug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a
nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is
some light
filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and
writing junk
e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime someone walks
by you gag because
their perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random
gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
kicked you out at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a
dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good
Morning with Bert.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2
Sausage Rolls and a
litre of
diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is
throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss
has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that
you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or
it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the dodgems,
depending on your
gender. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look
like one big vein
and your hairstyle
makes you look like a reject from the class picture
of Moss Side
secondary
school circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for
one of the
following -Home
time - A Doner kebab and somewhere to be alone - A
time machine so
you
could go back and NOT have gone out the night
before.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is
seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have
toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has
lost the ability to tolerate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating
you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the
moisture left in
your body. Death
seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even
get mad and your
co-workers
think that your dog just died because you look so
pathetic. You
should have
called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is
breathe . . .. Very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes
instantly; as you
were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You
get about 2 hours
sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that
your bed has been cleared for take off and flying
relentlessly around
the room. No matter what you do you know you're
going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is
in a yacht under
sail. After walking along the skirting boards on
alternating walls
knocking all the
pictures off, you find the dunny. If you are lucky
you will remember
to lift
the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake
the whole house up
with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the
floor in
your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world
you have left
(the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting
and farting... Help usually comes at this
stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down
your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and
it goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty,
your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15- minute intervals, but your body won't
relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself
inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out of your mouth
on the last occasion. You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now
occurring at 1 hour intervals. It is
now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try
to climb into bed. You are abused again for trying to get into bed with lumpy
bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept the advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. The whole day spent
(as hangover 4 star) you finally feel well enough to eat again on the
following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts
for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again .
Johnsy
