A tangent of the lame jokes are one of my favourites, and that is jokes with realistic endings.
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.
A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
