Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if
your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, the pleasure is all his
There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only
Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't
find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late
he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris once broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning
the paralympics.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green 4 card from the game UNO.
On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a
word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have
felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to
go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him
with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.
Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in
peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the fu$k down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
