I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA.

Discussion in 'Health, Fitness and Well Being' started by Patorick, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    [​IMG]



    (WARNING: EXTREME NSFW LANGUAGE)

    Somewhat related: http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

    Also somewhat related: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
  2. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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  3. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    If you only listen to one podcast about borderline personality disorder, I would suggest this one.

    http://traffic.libsyn.com/australiacounselling/podcast_interview_with_Sonia_Neale.mp3

    Transcript: https://www.australiacounselling.co...ds/2014/12/Interview-with-Sonia-Neale-BPD.pdf

    December 16, 2014

    Australia Counseling Podcast 064: The Lived Experience of Borderline Personality Disorder

    Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex disorder experienced by 2-6% of the population. BPD is often misunderstood by the public and many mental health professionals.

    People with Borderline have ongoing difficulty relating to other people and to the world around them. This can be very distressing for the person and for those who care for them.

    Symptoms often include deep feelings of insecurity, constantly changing emotions, ruptured relationships, impulsiveness and sometimes self-harm. In it’s most serious form some people can experience psychotic episodes.

    Sonia Neale is a motivational speaker who speaks on the topic of living with Borderline Personality Disorder. In this interview Sonia gives us a unique insight into the challenges and struggles of living with BPD.

    Most importantly, Sonia shares a message of hope for people suffering from Borderline and is living proof that recovery from BPD is possible.

    In this interview Sonia shares:
    - What the lived experience of Borderline Personality Disorder is like.
    - What is happening on a biological level for people with BPD.
    - The causes of BPD.

    - The importance of neuroplasticity and empathy when it comes to managing Borderline Personality.
    - What she has found most helpful in her journey with BPD.
    - The value of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).
    - Advice for family and friends of people with Borderline.
    - What mistakes she has seen professionals making when working with BPD.
    - Advice for practitioners who work with (or would like to work with) this population.

    http://members.australiacounselling...erline-personality-disorder-lived-experience/
     
  4. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    Guest Blog Post by Patrick (Me)

    Posted on February 21, 2017

    https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2017/02/21/guest-blog-post-by-patrick/

    What BPD is to me.

    At my worst, I am careless, recklessness and impulsive. The consequences don’t matter, only the good times you’re enjoying. Until it’s over, you stop can reflect on what has happened and what damage has been done. Then the consequences of your impulsive reckless selfishness do matter and you feel terrible.

    This is why you feel that you are understood, why you have such poor self-esteem and are sensitive to even the most constructive of criticisms. You have all the knowledge about your condition and the effect it has on you, but all you want is to be validated. Someone to say that can see all the good things you do, portray you in a positive light and make you feel good about yourself again.

    That can only go on for so long, eventually it wears off and you are left alone with your fluctuating moods. You are irritable, the world is unfair, the people you like don’t give you enough of the things you want from them and the only rational response you can come up with is self-harming. That will get me the things I want, I can manipulate people into loving me more and caring for me more that way.

    But that is just the excuses and dysfunction that BPD comes with. We have to be aware of why our relationships are so intense and try to better understand our feelings towards ourselves and other people.

    Managing your responses and behavior is incredibly tough, especially when you are feeling tired and vulnerable, but you have be mindful about the stress that you are dealing with and have ways to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations.

    You can learn to cope with BPD. You pick up so much about compassion and empathy in observing how other people around you survive.

    No matter how perfect someone may seem to be to you, you can’t live your life through them. You have to learn to validate and feel yourself, not rely on nice caring sensitive people to do it for you.


    My name is Patrick Flynn. I am 33 years old. I have BPD. My aim is to share my experiences positive and negative as much as possible, to raise awareness about BPD in my community and mental health issues in general.

    By encouraging others to get help and support, to better understand people with BPD and how to cope with it as quickly and effectively as possible.

    I just want to do what I can to help, if you have BPD or know someone who does, please ask me anything. You can overcome it.

    Later,

    Pat.

    http://stores.ebay.com.au/patorick

    [email protected]
     
  5. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    Do people with borderline personality disorder have a secret superpower?

    https://www.quora.com/Do-people-with-borderline-personality-disorder-have-a-secret-superpower

    Elinor Greenberg, PhD Psychologist

    Written Feb 8.

    Yes, Borderline individuals have a very interesting superpower. They can convince other adults that they are a needy child. There are two basic versions of this that relate to the split way Borderline clients tend to see themselves.

    All-Good versus All-Bad

    Borderline individuals do not have the ability to see themselves in an integrated and realistic way as being a mixture of good and bad traits and lovable and less lovable attributes. In psychology terminology, they did not reach the development achievement called “Whole Object Relations.” Instead, they see themselves as either: The all-good, lovable child or the all-bad, unlovable child.

    Let me give you some necessary information about Borderline clients so that you can understand this “superpower.”

    Borderline clients often feel childlike and helpless

    Many individuals who have made Borderline adaptations to their childhood situation never quite feel like a real adult. They report feeling as if they are a child or teen in an adult body. Instead of trying to learn how to take care of themselves, they want to find another adult who will reparent them, give them unconditional love, and do all the boring, adult things they would rather not have to do—like pay taxes, clean their apartment, take responsibility for their healthcare, keep track of their finances, and plan for the future. They project:

    I am helpless. I need you to take care of me

    Their “secret superpower” involves putting out an energy that makes other adults want to take care of them. Not everyone is susceptible. Some people get annoyed and back off when they feel the often unspoken message: “I need you, I am helpless to take care of myself.”

    As a psychotherapist, I have often found it hard not to respond to this emotional pull. Some people are so good at doing this, it feels a bit like I am being hypnotized to see them this way.

    Countertransference

    It is part of my job to notice my emotional reactions to my clients (“countertranference” is the psych term for this) and resist acting on them. Instead, I help my Borderline clients become aware of what they are communicating and the basic assumptions that they are making that need to be updated for them to successfully live as an adult. What I communicate back to them in both words and attitude is:

    You are not helpless.
    You can learn to take care of yourself.
    It is not other people’s job to make up for what you did not receive as a child.
    You are an adult now.

    The Borderline clients who see themselves as all-bad and unlovable have a slightly different version of this superpower. They strongly project:

    I am an unlovable child and you will reject me too!

    These clients are adept at making the above into a self-fulfillIng prophecy. They present all their least appealing attributes first. They often show up for their first therapy session as their worst version of themselves—dressed in their oldest and dirtiest clothes, with an angry look on their face, and an aggressively defiant attitude. This serves a few purposes:

    It is a test: Can you see me as lovable despite my showing you my least attractive attributes?

    Rejection: These clients are so fearful of being rejected that they do not want to get their hopes up. They prefer you to reject them now before they have become deeply attached to you.

    Hostility: These clients are in touch with their rage. Coming to therapy with this attitude allows them to express their anger.

    My Superpower: My superpower as a therapist is to not get caught up in believing or acting on either of these two incomplete and polarized self-presentions that are being projected. I need to be the person who sees all sides of them in an integrated and realistic way. It is my job to not get manipulated by their superpower into either treating them as a helpless child or rejecting them as unlovable and untreatable.

    I have to remember that they are an adult, not a child, no matter how much they try and convince me otherwise. It is also my job to stay focused on helping them deal with their pain (instead of just complaining) and develop the missing skills that they need to function as an adult.

    Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

    In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.

    www.elinorgreenberg.com
     
  6. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    What are some boundaries that people with bpd commonly violate unintentionally?

    https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-boundaries-that-people-with-bpd-commonly-violate-unintentionally

    Alexa Dolaway

    https://www.quora.com/profile/Alexa-Dolaway-1

    Written Aug 25, 2016 ·

    Upvoted by John Freeman, MD, PhD, Psychiatrist, Neurobiolgist, Professor, etc.

    People with Borderline Personaility Disorder can get along with a wide range of people because they have no “self”. Basically, they have no personality. They actually adapt to their environment by creating juxtapositions between themselves and other people everywhere they go. I find that most people I've met who suffer from BPD, including myself, have a hard time consoling people and being empathetic on command.

    For instance: if you tell me how hard of a time you are having, I will instinctually tell you how hard of a time I am having, or tell you about a friend who is going through things also. We will keep trying to relate to you instead of simply listening and trying to understand. This leads people to believe that you're always trying to “1-up” them.

    BPDers tend to over-share, in my experience. We might open up too fast (depending on the person) and say things that don't need to be said. It's a common misconception that this is done for attention, rather, we just don't know what is appropriate. (We don't have a personality)

    If you observe someone with BPD with say; 4 different people for a half hour each, you will notice that body language, posture, tone of voice, and even their “usual” or “normal” mannerisms will change. We don't realize we are doing it. We are chameleons.

    But, before you think that this is some type of super power, know that it gets us in a lot of trouble, with boundaries. We tend to watch people interact very closely and then mimic that. When meeting new people this can be especially bad. I might become too comfortable or too relaxed too fast. I might speak up in conversation more than normal, I might volunteer information at innapropriate times to compensate for being uncomfortable. I might tell a story that is a complete lie.

    BPDers have such trouble with impulse control that it's very easy to go a little too far and then end up ruining everything simply trying to fix a mistake.

    Our WHOLE lives are based on interactions. Our self-image, confidence, personality, mannerisms, habits, all interactions. Our thoughts and feelings are controlled by interactions. We live for them. We analyze them over and over. We practice interaction. It's tasking, but it's the only way to get through life.

    You can tell that there's something off about most of us, you just can't put your finger on it. We’re not awful, manipulative, terrible people. The fact of the matter is; some of us couldn't even tell you what our favorite color is. We don't know about the boundaries. We do realize how bad we can be at socializing.
     
  7. Haffa

    Haffa Guest

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    I think my daughter has BPD she's only 7. The last 8 weeks have been the worst of my life, she went from loving coming to my house (I share 50/50 custody with her mother) to complete hatred of me and my side of her family for no reason whatsoever.

    She is unable to describe why she hates us (her words) but she is completely co-dependent on her mother (who also shows BPD traits) and lashes out when I pick her up from school. The Criteria for Borderline reads like a glimpse into our world. I have had to reduce my custody to attempt to help her at least make it through school as the anger and panic attacks at night are uncontrollable in my home. I think she went through the same attachment issues on the other side last year, her mother would never admit this though sadly, but she had behavioral issues I wasn't seeing and she ended up in a psych's office as a result.

    I have her scheduled to see a new person in April (earliest I could get) so I have to limit myself to day visits every second weekend until then. Which utterly breaks my heart as we have always been so close and she has lived week on week off with me since her mother and I separated when she was 2.

    Sorry to hijack your thread, just felt the need to vent.
     
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  8. Twizzle

    Twizzle Administrator Staff Member

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    sorry to hear that mate, hope it all works out well and she gets the right treatment

    you have taken the first big step in getting her professional help and hopefully she benefits from it
     
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  9. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    It's ok.

    You're doing the right thing, stay strong and brave. We are here for you if you want to vent more, it's totally understandable that you feel this way.

    -------

    Recognizing the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder in Your Child

    http://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/bpd-program/recognizing-the-signs-bpd/

    Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental disorder defined by the National Institute of Mental Health as a disorder in which the person affected has unstable relationships, moods and behavior. It is typically diagnosed in early adulthood and can be difficult to pinpoint before then due to children’s changing and growing personalities and incomplete development. If a child or adolescent is diagnosed with BPD, however, they must have had at least a year of continuing and reoccurring symptoms. Psych Central reports that somewhere between 1.6 and 5.9 percent of Americans likely suffer from BPD.

    Symptoms of BPD

    Many parents claim that they recognized signs of BPD as early as infancy. Babies may be colicky and difficult to soothe, and as they get older, they may have difficulties learning and episodes of frustration and aggression that can manifest as behavioral problems. Children and adolescents endure many developmental changes sometimes rapidly and what may appear to be symptoms of one disorder can even evolve into something else entirely a few years down the road. Behavioral problems can be a sign of something deeper but they can also just be a phase children outgrow.

    That being said, there are some signs that you can watch for if you suspect your child may be suffering from borderline personality disorder, including:
    - Hard time experiencing pleasure
    - Difficulty separating to go to school or other activities
    - Intense fear of rejection and abandonment
    - Less restful sleep patterns
    - Harder to soothe
    - Difficulties with changes in routine
    - Demanding nature
    - Episodes of extreme sadness
    - Sensitive to criticism
    - Easily frustrated
    - Problems eating
    - Severe temper tantrums
    - Unstable moods and intense emotions
    - Poor impulse control
    - Impaired reasoning and thinking
    - Trouble learning
    - Unstable self-image
    - Self-harming behavior
    - Loves you one day and pushes you away the next
    - Prone to fits and bouts of anger and aggression

    Some of the more defining characteristics of borderline personality disorder include trouble with personal relationships and an extreme and unjustified fear of abandonment and rejection. This can make transitions to and from activities and places like school extremely difficult to manage.

    Sufferers of BPD may idealize their caregivers one day and devalue them the next. Those suffering from BPD often have identity confusion, which in adolescents may manifest into gender confusion or take other forms. Shifting moods and emotional instability coupled with bouts of intense anger that is often manifested physically and self-destructive are also indicative of BPD.

    While children are typically impulsive anyway, those suffering from borderline personality disorder may be even more so, causing them to engage in reckless behavior like running away or substance abuse. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, about 75 percent of those suffering from BPD will attempt to hurt themselves at some point.

    Seeking Help

    If you suspect that your child may suffer from borderline personality disorder, you may feel overwhelmed and scared. Thankfully, BPD is treatable, and many methods and therapies exist to help you and your child. A mental health professional can help you discover which treatment will best serve your child.

    Typically, treatment will include a form of psychotherapy like dialectal behavior therapy, which works to help the patient understand their feelings and thoughts as well as learn how to positively change them. Oftentimes, families receive counseling as well to learn tools to help cope with the disorder.
     
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  10. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    Question:
    Are people with Borderline Personality Disorder capable of love and affection?
    I am involved with someone who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He seems incapable of accepting my love and affection. Whenever I tell him I love him and value him, he says things like "I don't think you are being sincere," or "I don't believe you" or "You are just saying that."


    https://www.quora.com/Are-people-with-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-capable-of-love-and-affection

    Answer:

    Blake A. Cameron
    Studied at University of Michigan
    Analytical Psychologist and longtime BPD & PTSD advocate
    Written May 11, 2016

    Yes, of course. BPD is caused by a loss of identity, stemming from a lack of love and affection from their parents or caregivers. People living with BPD not only can love, but because they were deprived of it at such a young age they deeply crave love and affection.

    It can be difficult for these types of people to express love in a healthy manner because, to some, they love too aggressively. And that's not to say that they're in the wrong, I actually think the way that those with BPD love is the most pure form of affection known to man because it's a direct reflection of their inner child.


    Think of the love a child has for their parent: It's deep, everlasting, and even if the parent hurts the child, the little one still believes on a conscious level that their parents still care and are deserving of their love. This type of childlike love is what people living with BPD exhibit, and very often it scares people because of the weight of it all.

    Most adults love each other on the surface, and when they are presented with another adult that gives and commands the same loyalty respect and love that a child would for their parent, it makes them uncomfortable and the stereotypical BPD love cycle starts.

    By your partner saying he doesn't think your love is genuine, what he's really trying to say is that he loves you so deeply that he'd do anything for you, and that he's afraid that your love doesn't extend as far as his does.

    Now, is this irrational? To some extent, yes. But is it warranted? Yes, it is, if that's all a person has known. People with BPD have to, at the end of the day, live with themselves. The only way they know how to protect themselves and preserve whatever emotional stibility they may have is to scruitinize and vet potential mates as best as they can.

    Your partner thinks you will leave him, and this fear is deeply rooted, and it may never go away. What you can do is sit him down and tell him that you're not going to leave him if the relationship is built on trust, but if the relationship is built on fear that you may have to distance yourself and cut ties for your own mental health.

    Don't treat people with BPD like babies. They're adults, and if you are logical and straightforward about your affection and your unhappiness with their actions, they will learn to cope with it, and it may make them better people.
     
  11. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    What Having a 'Favorite Person' Means to Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

    https://themighty.com/2016/10/what-its-like-to-have-a-favorite-person-when-you-live-with-borderline/

    By Charlotte Kierans, Contributor, I write about Borderline Personality Disorder

    For me personally, one of the most challenging aspects of having borderline personality disorder (BPD) is having a “favorite person.” When I was first diagnosed, I searched all over the internet for information about my disorder because I had no idea what it was. One aspect of my disorder not many people spoke about, but I related to most, was the idea of having a “favorite person,” or FP for short.

    The easiest way for me to describe how having an FP works is this: I’m like a dog who destroys the house when she’s left at home, but then acts really happy when the owner comes home and pretends nothing happened.

    To put this into a real life situation, I will text my FP every morning when I wake up saying “good morning xx,” and if they haven’t replied within five minutes I automatically assume they either hate me or I have annoyed them. That thought sends me into utter panic and causes a lot of distress. If I were to think about it logically, I would probably tell myself they’re probably still asleep — but when it comes to having an FP all rational thinking goes out of the window.

    For example:

    FP: (talks to me all night)

    Me: They love me.

    FP: (doesn’t text me back in the morning)

    Me: They hate me, this was all a game. I am a fool to think they ever loved me.

    It is well known that people with BPD struggle with abandonment, and having an FP makes that struggle even worse. An FP is someone you absolutely adore, whether it be a friend or a partner, but the problem is you give that person the responsibility of your happiness. My first ever FP was my now ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was a struggle because without him by my side I couldn’t be happy. When he would leave, I’d be incredibly upset, which even sometimes turned into anger. I only understood he had become my FP after we broke up, and when I look back, I think if I had the knowledge and understanding I do now we would have worked better. When your partner is your FP, it can make your relationship incredibly difficult. You constantly need reassurance and validation from your FP, but sometimes asking for too much assurance comes across like you doubt them or don’t trust them, and that can lead to so many problems.

    It’s not impossible to have a relationship with your FP. It’s no walk in the park, but with a lot of dedication and hard work it can be so very rewarding. Because at the end of the day, your partner is your favorite person and being with them is awesome! The one thing you need to learn when your partner is your FP is self-validation. Now believe me, I know self-validation doesn’t come easy to people with BPD, but with practice it does become easier. You have to constantly tell yourself that your FP loves you and that you deserve to be loved by them.

    All I can say is that be proud to have an FP! It means you can show that person so much love and passion.
     
  12. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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  13. veggiepatch1959

    veggiepatch1959 First Grade

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    I have had several episodes of severe depression since 2012 culminating in an attempted suicide in late November last year by dancing in the traffic on the South Gippsland Highway on a Saturday night.

    Friends had me admitted to a psychiatric ward at a south eastern Melbourne hospital the next day after an extended alcoholic episode. I spent three weeks there.

    During that time, I developed a relationship with an Italian girl 20 years younger than me who underwent weekly ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy). I prepared for her every night for the next day's ECT and she said she had never came out better.The relationship became intimate, even with the restrictions of a psych ward.

    I shall call my girlfriend M. She has schizophrenia and bipolar. M was transferred to another psychiatric unit closer to where I live and I visit her every day with the exception of her father calling me to stay away from M. That restriction lasted about three weeks with both of us missing Christmas and New Years together.

    Since arriving at the new psych unit, M has had only one ECT (46 in total). Some of her doctors, nurses and herself have said that I am a major contributor to her improvement and her medication has been reduced considerably.

    On the downside, others say that my relationship with M is detrimental to both of our recoveries. M is affected by this and it filters down to me. Snowball effect and I get depressed again. Both M and myself suffer extreme sleep disturbances because of our anxiety regarding others trying to control our relationship and emotions.

    Does anyone else think this relationship is healthy?
     
  14. veggiepatch1959

    veggiepatch1959 First Grade

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    By the way Patorick, thanks for sharing.

    Mental health issues are not a stigma - they are a part of life.
     
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  15. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    It doesn't matter if I personally think this relationship is a healthy one.

    All you need is the love, as long as you make each other happy and want what is best for each other.

    You are in control of your destiny, it's all up to you.

    IMO.
     
  16. veggiepatch1959

    veggiepatch1959 First Grade

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    Thank you Patorick for your prompt and succinct reply. To be honest, M is the only thing keeping me alive.

    My mother committed suicide in September 2007 after an severe overdose of paracetamol. Approximately 70 grams in total resulting in renal and hepatic failure over four days.
     
  17. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    That's good and bad, you're limiting yourself IMO. I do it to. As great as she may be and as much as you love her, you have to find other things out there besides M that make you feel your life is worth living and that can keep you alive and living as well as you can.

    Talk to your doctor, your psychologist, psychiatrist, hairdresser, masseuse whatever, talk to them about what is going on and what else you want to do and enjoy: sport, exercise, hobbies, Instagram, gardening, cooking, cleaning, reading, writing etc. You can't live your life through her, no matter how awesome she is, you are still your own person and you need to be independent and in control. For her sake as well as yours.

    IMO. (It's all my opinion, but I hope that helps.)

    [​IMG]

    Keep us all in the loop, regardless.
     
  18. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  19. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE: A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion

    http://gettinbetter.com/obsessed.html

    By Shari Schreiber, M.A.

    Whether you're presently involved with a borderline disordered individual or you've finally stepped away from one, you've been struggling with wanting someone who has caused you great harm. It seems that regardless of what they've put you through, you just can't get them out of your head or move completely beyond the longing you still feel, which triggers fantasies about having them back! Don't worry, you're not going crazy--you're just hurting, and needing it to stop.

    You may be obsessing about what he or she's feeling or doing, whom they're dating/sleeping with, and wondering if they're thinking at all about you. Your feelings of shame and emptiness are so unbearable, that it's easier to divert your focus to him/her, rather than sitting with the painful emotions you have to feel in their absence. What's happened is, you're busy living inside their life instead of yours--and as much as you need them to return, you could be fearing it as well.

    ...

    Yearning for someone who's made you feel bad about yourself confuses and confounds your rational mind, so let's begin understanding how and why you could want somebody who's brought so much pain and destruction into your world. Confusion feeds chaos. You're just looking for a way out of it.

    Whether you've loved a Borderline or not, it's human nature to try and figure out troubling/perplexing issues associated with someone's weird or aberrant behaviors--or nobody'd be making those chilling/creepy movies about Charles Manson, or anybody else who's displayed psychotic or sociopathic traits! The fact that we can't relate to these folks makes them fascinating puzzles that we keep wanting to figure out, because they don't fit with our definition of "normal."

    Several clients have said that their 'most recent' Borderline wasn't someone they'd necessarily seen as the most beautiful or brilliant in their dating history~ yet their obsession with this one, has them trapped in maddening confusion. This is our clue about childhood experiences which created an early template of sorts, that's uncannily being replicated within this present-day dynamic.

    Every child is in love with their parents. They see the parent as a god, who's entrusted with their care and protection. When this 'god' is rejecting, critical or abusive, it's painful, frightening and confusing to a small child, which forces him to split off the dangerous, injurious parts of his mother or father in order to remain attached. You acquired this survival tool as a kid, and it's still in place for you~ but it works against you as an adult.

    A child doesn't automatically stop loving his/her parent, when they act in crazy or cruel ways! What he or she does instead, is compartmentalize or box-up those bad behaviors and divorce them from the parent, so they can remain in-love so to speak, with Mom or Dad. This is exactly what you've done with your BPD lover, and it's made you deny and invalidate some very important personal feelings and perceptions.

    The opposite of Love, is not Hate . . . it's Indifference.

    ...

    Instinct and intuition are our built-in survival guides, which are with us from the time we're born--but if we've grown up in an environment that's chaotic or conflictual, or we've survived criticism and abuse from a parent, we had to start managing excruciating emotions about that, by making them "not matter" or locking them away. Discarding various feelings early in life, leaves us with inner emptiness and deadness, where feelings are supposed to reside. We crave a sense of aliveness, but we're unable to access it for ourselves, because literally half of our emotional repertoire has been abolished since we were very young children~ which is why roller-coaster relationships are so darned appealing!

    The Borderline reawakens intensely positive and negative emotions--but one thing we're certain of, is that we're Feeling~ which relieves our inner sense of deadness or emptiness. Dead people don't feel pain~ so in some way, we welcome it.

    ...

    Borderlines are initially captivating, enchanting and irresistible. Even if we think that he/she is out of our league, they relentlessly pursue us to where we begin to accept that they find us worthy of their attention/affection, and start trusting that it'll be safe for us to let down our guard, and love them. I hate to say this, but that's precisely when your troubling experiences start to occur.

    Borderlines are intoxicated by The Chase--not the capture. The moment they sense you're hopelessly hooked, they lose interest, and their distancing and acting-out behaviors begin. By now, you're emotionally invested, and you're in far too deep to walk away. Even if their positive traits are overshadowed by hurtful negative ones, you keep fantasizing that if you try a little harder, things will work out--but they won't. You feel toxic shame left over from childhood when you fail with them, which makes you feverishly attempt to redeem yourself in their eyes, but this is a pointless exercise that keeps you tortured (albeit stimulated).


    ...

    When you're apart, you feel adrift, guilty, empty and unable to focus. Even if you're the one who's walked away, you doubt your decision, because it feels so lousy being apart from him/her! You probably grew up presuming that 'right' choices brought good and favorable feelings, but this is a false belief. Right choices are typically the hardest to make, because they force us to adhere to our true convictions, which develops character and integrity. These key aspects of our emotional growth aren't about doing the 'easy' stuff--if they were, everybody'd be doing it!

    ...

    Both Borderlines and the people attracted to them, incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this coupling is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you. You've compensated for self-worth injuries and insecurities by becoming a people-pleaser and super-giver. The Borderline has compensated for insecurities by being a seducer, super-user~ but the scars from that early time in life remain.

    This hurts as horribly as it does, because you have been here before! You've become adept at putting your childhood agony "behind" you, presuming it would stay dead and buried. The BPD lover simply excavates all that ancient trauma to your sense of Self, but it's repairable. Now is your opportunity to finally Heal.
     
  20. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    http://www.echo.me.uk/bpd2.htm

    Borderlines love love - they are obsessed by it and will do anything to ensure they get it. To them it is a means of filling up their loneliness and lack of Self through another person rather than an expression of regard or caring for someone as an equal partner.

    While their need for love is apparent they don't know how to return love. In reality they are afraid of intimacy and do not have the emotional strength to fight their fears of inadequacy or abandonment in a manner that makes it possible for them to return love. After the passion of new love subsides they become bored, often moving on to a new partner. If they continue in the relationship "instead of deepening concern and communication, there ensues a struggle for control. The arena of this often violent struggle may include time, money, sex, fidelity, spiritual beliefs, children, or physical and emotional distance. The centerpiece of the struggle is the threat of abandonment." Moskovitz (pg. 144).

    Borderlines do not trust others and as such their relationships are fraught with battles. They are manipulative and will hurt others when their needs are not being met by raging or sometimes by physically hurting themselves or less likely their partners. Because partners get frustrated and try to regain their own power they may "strike back or flee." Moskovitz (pg. 144)

    Borderlines do not love themselves, in fact they practice self-hatred. Psychologists often comment that anyone who doesn't love themselves can't truly love others.

    It all sounds very bleak. However, with effective treatment Borderlines can learn to understand their feelings, control their impulsive behaviour and strengthen their sense of Self enabling them to improve the quality of their relationships.
     

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