I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA.

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

10 Things I Wish My Loved Ones Knew About Borderline Personality Disorder

https://themighty.com/2015/10/what-you-need-to-know-about-borderline-personality-disorder/

By Keira J

October 15, 2015

To the people who love me with my borderline brain,

I’ve been in therapy for seven months now and have only just uttered the dreaded words borderline personality disorder (BPD). This is my attempt at helping you to understand where I’m coming from and why I do the things I do.

Here are some things I want my loved ones to know about my experience with BPD:

1. I’m not a bad person.

My behavior is sometimes fuelled by my disordered thinking patterns. I do things some might think are heartless, manipulative, rude, dangerous and downright horrible. And I’m not using my disorder as an excuse! I’m just trying to tell you those things are not the sum total of me. They are a product of a legitimate disordered way of thinking that can be hard to understand. So try to see past the behavior and see the person you love under it, because I’m still here, just trying to control my brain.

2. It’s OK if you can’t understand me.

This is not me “just being negative again.” This isn’t a teenage temper tantrum where “nobody gets what it’s like to be me.” This is a tried and tested theory. Unless you have a personality disorder you will not understand one. Not in any logical sense. And the main reason? Because my disorder makes no logical sense.

3. My impulses are hard to fight.

When I get a random impulse to do something, it feels like an immediate requirement. It isn’t a want, it’s a need, and if I can’t do what I’m being told to do I become despondent, depressed and probably seem sulky from the outside. But inside I’m fighting a terrible battle of wills. My impulses let me filter out negative emotions when I’m unable to deal with them in a healthy way.

4. I’m not emotionally shallow.

In fact, I’m the complete opposite.

One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is “splitting.” For me, an example of this is when I connect with someone and then almost immediately (sometimes) disconnect from them. I go from idolizing them to never speaking about them again. Understand this doesn’t mean I don’t care about people when we’re connected. In fact, sometimes I need to force myself to disconnect from someone because the emotion I feel towards them is too much to cope with.

5. When I’m down I’m not just down.

My pain is sometimes like a combination of black hole and a Dementor from Harry Potter. It can feel darker than black and deeper than the ocean. It feeds itself and grows bigger and bigger. It feels like all I can do is lie there in a bundle of tears until it goes away. So when I’m feeling down, know I’m not just sad.

6. I’m not “just being dramatic” either.

I can practically hear your eyes rolling at that last point. But I’m being 100 percent serious. Being told to “woman up,” “stop being ridiculous” or other tips to “just stop being depressed” doesn’t work.

7. I play favorites.

When I connect with somebody they are elevated beyond everyone else. If you ever feel slighted, ignored or like you’re second best, it’s probably because I only have eyes for my current favorite. But it isn’t a conscious decision to choose them over you. It won’t even occur to me connecting to someone else is an option. My “choice” is never with malicious intent.

8. I have fear of abandonment.

This means if I’m “connected” to you and go for periods of time without hearing from you, I might become panicked, depressed, irrational and bitter towards you.

9. I’m scared of losing you.

I’m irrationally terrified of upsetting you, making you hate me, annoying you and making you leave me.

10. I need reassurance daily.

I need to feel loved (especially by my favorite). I need to feel like I haven’t destroyed our relationship by being such a “horrible person” (or even by saying something I irrationally interpret as stupid). I need to know you’re here for me and you haven’t disappeared since we last spoke.

Living with BPD thinking isn’t an easy task. It can be painful, frustrating and dangerous for my health. I hope now you can understand me and my BPD brain a little better.

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

Even if I barely know someone, it feels like I'm constantly plotting on how to keep them close to me.

I am so afraid of rejection and being hurt. I want to be honest but not too honest too soon.

I need to chill the f-word out with this shit because people totally pick up on my neediness and it scares them off.

I am desperate, sad and lonely. Even when I'm not I feel that I am.

I am always so eager to give my whole self over to people in the hopes I'll get something back and I think often it overwhelms them/freaks them out. And building the relationship up to this special connection because we've had one good conversation or something.

I expect too much from people I get close with, too tolerate me and understand me all at once. No matter what they are feeling or going through themselves. I have too respect your boundaries, personal space and privacy. Just because you are a caring person doesn't mean you always have to be nice too me, especially if I obsessively attach myself to you in the desperate and needy search for validation. And if I make you feel uncomfortable in any way. I have to be more aware and understanding of this.

Most people want to be there for me and for me to be well. But I can't rely on their positive energy and good will. I have to take more responsibility for my mental, physical and spiritual health and be a better person. Someone you can feel safe to hang out with and not obligated to communicate with. More easy, comfortable, less attached, less obsessed and less morally judgmental.

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

'How to' recover from BPD

http://insidethebordreline.blogspot.com.au/2016/09/how-to-recover-from-bpd.html

Posted by Vickie Harley at 05:02
Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Hi everyone.

So lately a lot of people have been asking me 'how' I recovered from bpd. This question is very problematic for me, because there is no way to just recover from bpd, or any other mental illness of this ilk. Its not a case of simply doing one little thing and waking up one day shiny, clean and ready to lead a new life. Recovering from bpd is a life long process which requires you to push yourself to your limits, confront your demons and shed blood, sweat and tears.

I think the reason that a lot of people suffering from this illness want to know 'how to' recover is because when we are extremely low and in the plight of suffering, we want a quick fix. When you are in these depths, its impossible to see a way out and especially impossible to see a long term path. This is why we turn to impulsive behaviours, substance abuse, self harm and even suicide. But these quick fixes are detrimental in the long term, and its all about seeing things in the long term rather than in the now and in the past. But how do you get to the point where you can see things in the long term and stop turning to short term fixes?

You need to learn to love yourself. And to do that, you need to tell yourself that you deserve better than short term fixes. You deserve better than people who don't believe in you, you deserve better than telling yourself you're a piece of shit everyday, and you deserve to believe that you can one day recover from this illness and live a happy, healthy life.

I honestly believe that the key to recovering from an illness like bpd is the notion of deserving it. Because from telling yourself you deserve it, you are validating yourself. You are telling yourself that you are worth it, and therefore are taking the first steps into developing a healthy self esteem and self love. Recovery doesn't go hand in hand with self depreciation, negativity and self harming behaviours. You can't get better if you still continue in a cycle of destruction. The only way to get better is to get out of that cycle, and you can do this by telling yourself that you are worth more than it.

Of course, this does not just happen overnight, and its impossible for me to tell you one set way of breaking this cycle. For me, I think that the healthy, positive and loving skills I learned in DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) became embedded in my subconscious, until one day I realised that I had been slowly beginning to use them, and gradually beginning to change my interests, desires and beliefs about myself. I then reached the point where I realised that this therapy wasn't bullshit and that it had been working for me all along. And that the reason I stuck it out was because I had always had that tiny bit of faith and belief in myself all along, and DBT was helping it to blossom.

Another key factor in all of this is yourself. There is no one else who can help you in recovering, and you have to be at the right place in your life to begin the process. It doesn't matter how many loving and positive people you have around you, or how many amazing therapists and doctors you've been to see. If you don't begin to see that you deserve to get better, then it will never happen. You have to break the cycle of self harm, negativity and self depreciation in order for all of this to begin. Other people can be your inspiration, eg. your children, your partner, your parents, but if you don't take that first step then it will not happen for you.

I am living, breathing and loving proof that you can recover from bpd. It is not a death sentence, it is not a 'made up' illness and it does not mean you are horrible and dangerous to be around. You can recover from it, you just need to believe in yourself first.

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]

 

[Patorick]