What's new
The Front Row Forums

Register a free account today to become a member of the world's largest Rugby League discussion forum! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Joke Thread

Alba

Coach
Messages
13,367
you may be able to tell i am bored so i started this...so fire away!
this isnt exactly a joke but it will hav u laughing!


THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a
while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic,
they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up,
all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got
enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're
one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I
have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"
 

Alba

Coach
Messages
13,367
15 Things to do at K-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6. Move a 'Caution- Wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. when a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone'.
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are?
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream' NO! NO! It's those voices again'.
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly .... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'.
 

Alba

Coach
Messages
13,367
Women's One Liners

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Do I look like a fricking people person?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Okay, okay I take it back. Un-F**k you!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.
 

JTR

Juniors
Messages
985
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when..... the K-Mart manager runs out and turns the horse off.
 

Poida_Raider

Bench
Messages
4,523
haha i've been sent all those emails over time, i think on last count it was actually about 10 times for each..
but they are all pretty cool in their own kooky ways.
 
Messages
3,542
An 80 year old women places an ad in the newspaper saying she is looking for marriage, and will take anyone on 3 Coditions

(1) They are not cruel to her
(2) They o not run away from her
and
(3) They are good in bed

Alas a few days later the door bell rings. She opens the door to see an elderly man in a wheel chair, with no arms or legs. She says surely you do not expect me to consider you.

The man replys:

"Well think about it, I have no legs so I can't run away from you, I have no arms so I cannot hit you and be cruel to you"

The lady replies

"Well what about being good in bed"

The man responds:

"I rang the door bell didn't I!"
 

sportive cupid

Referee
Messages
25,047
At the airport:
After the grounding of Qantas's :shock: 767s in Sydney an angry passenger pushed to the front of a long line of people waiting to be checked in. He slapped his ticket down and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class!" The gate attendant replied: "I'm sorry sir. I've got to help these people first. Then, I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." He shouted: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, she smiled and grabbed her microphone: "May I have your attention please," her voice boomed throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help, please come to Gate 14." With the people in the line laughing hysterically, the man glared at her, gritted his teeth and said: "F*** you!" She smiled politely and said: "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 

sportive cupid

Referee
Messages
25,047
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh
sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old
lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?" :p
 
Top