antonius
Coach
- Messages
- 10,104
And those lazy days BBQ in the backyard etc, I thought I'd put these up again, I posted them a couple of years ago, but some of the newer people might get a giggle out of them. We've got them framed near the back door at our place just in case a game gets underway.
1.GENERAL RULES.
1a. Cant get out first ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco dickhead a reprieve. Smart -arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep, which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.
1b. Caught behind (auto wikky): Since no one has the desire or reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signaled the death of the late cut.
1c. One hand, One bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with the minimum of players. Note that this rule only applies when the fielder is holding a beer in the other hand.
1d. No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a zimmer frame.
1e. Six and out (Then fetch it): Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. Its rumoured to be initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.
1f. Standard over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard length of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between 10-12 balls. You only relinquish the bowling duties when questioned by any fielders or opposing team members. But only after the standard response of "Two to come".
2.ESSENTIAL ITEMS.
2a. Esky: Strategically placed at the bowlers end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket because it holds the beer.
2b. Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as theres always some smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence (see rule 1e). Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers.
2c. Dog: Preferable of Kelpie, or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that disappear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a fourteen-year-old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for three days straight afterwards.
2d. Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you could clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a nice set of stumps.
2e. Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, its usually of 1980s vintage with a single scoop, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing backyard cult status.
3.CODE OF ETHICS.
3a. Stumps (Game over): The game draws to a close when: -
3c. Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat chance. The feat prompts sh*tloads of laughter, and usually the triumphant " get me one while youre at it".
3d. No running between wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "the words fun and run dont go together". Just ask Arajuna Ranatunga. Besides how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs?
3e. Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow, you can bowl a couple of "Dollies" to her that she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a Yorker. Most chicks hold the bat as if theyre chopping wood, and they bowl as if throwing left-handed. And they cant handle Yorkers. Stll someone has to make the salad.
ICC Official Backyard Cricket Rules.
1.GENERAL RULES.
1a. Cant get out first ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco dickhead a reprieve. Smart -arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep, which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.
1b. Caught behind (auto wikky): Since no one has the desire or reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signaled the death of the late cut.
1c. One hand, One bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with the minimum of players. Note that this rule only applies when the fielder is holding a beer in the other hand.
1d. No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a zimmer frame.
1e. Six and out (Then fetch it): Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. Its rumoured to be initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.
1f. Standard over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard length of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between 10-12 balls. You only relinquish the bowling duties when questioned by any fielders or opposing team members. But only after the standard response of "Two to come".
2.ESSENTIAL ITEMS.
2a. Esky: Strategically placed at the bowlers end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket because it holds the beer.
2b. Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as theres always some smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence (see rule 1e). Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers.
2c. Dog: Preferable of Kelpie, or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that disappear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a fourteen-year-old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for three days straight afterwards.
2d. Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you could clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a nice set of stumps.
2e. Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, its usually of 1980s vintage with a single scoop, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing backyard cult status.
3.CODE OF ETHICS.
3a. Stumps (Game over): The game draws to a close when: -
- Your Host finally cooks the snags after the barbie ran out of gas.
- Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it disappears down the drain (notwithstanding rules 1e and 2c)
- You cant get the batsman out with any type of bowling, pace, or spin, or
- Your girlfriend cracks the sh*ts and wants to go home because you "become a sh*t" when you hang around with your mates.
3c. Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat chance. The feat prompts sh*tloads of laughter, and usually the triumphant " get me one while youre at it".
3d. No running between wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "the words fun and run dont go together". Just ask Arajuna Ranatunga. Besides how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs?
3e. Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow, you can bowl a couple of "Dollies" to her that she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a Yorker. Most chicks hold the bat as if theyre chopping wood, and they bowl as if throwing left-handed. And they cant handle Yorkers. Stll someone has to make the salad.
the joys of having a great grandmother having a pitch over her back fence 
Apparently though, even tho year in year out we play, we aren't getting any better according to the neighbours!!! Plus there is a rule with our family every 3 balls it's a drink break so that anyone who is empty can re-fill 
