here a few well more than a few that a friend posted else where...dont no if they r up here yet but here they are...
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>
> One turns to the other and says "dam"
>
>
> *********
>
> Two peanuts walk into a bar
>
> One was a salted.
>
> **********
>
> A jump-lead walks into a bar.
>
> The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
> **********
>
> A sandwich walks into a bar.
>
> The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
>
> **********
>
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> **********
>
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A
> beer please, and one for the road."
>
> **********
>
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
>
> The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
>
> **********
>
> Two cannibals are eating a clown.
>
> One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
> **********
>
> Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
>
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
> **********
>
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
>
> " That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
>
> "Is it common?"
>
> "It's not unusual."
>
> **********
>
> Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I
> was artificially inseminated this morning."
>
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>
> "It's true, no bull!"
>
> **********
>
> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
>
> The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
> **********
>
> Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>
> One says, "I've lost my electron."
>
> The other says, "Are you sure?"
>
> The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
> **********
>
> Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
>
> **********
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
>
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
> **********
>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
> in my family, so it must be one of them.
>
> It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
>
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
>
> **********
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
> any.
>
> **********
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high'
>
> **********
>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> He was pulled in by a strong currant.
>
> *********
>
> A man walks into doctor's office.
>
> "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well...
I
> have five penises." replies the man.
>
> "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
>
> "Like a glove."
>
> **********
>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
> nuts & hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
> **********
>
> What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>
> A fsh
>
> **********
>
> Two fish are in a tank
>
> One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Oh yeah! That is also why it crashed 
