I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). AMA.

Discussion in 'Health, Fitness and Well Being' started by Patorick, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. Patorick

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    http://www.deviantart.com/art/BPD-257636794

    BPD by Serynzia, Sep 9, 2011, 9:54:18 PM

    Literature / Poetry / General Poetry / Free Verse

    I hate myself for making mistakes.
    I hate myself for hurting people.
    I hate myself for having borderline personality disorder.
    I hate myself for being an attention whore because of BPD.
    I hate myself for being manipulative because of BPD.
    I hate myself for exaggerating things because of BPD.

    Basically, I hate myself for having a disorder.

    Because you can't fix BPD.
    You can learn to live with it, but you can't fix it.
    BPD people are ****ed up and that's all the detail I'm going to go into.

    Google it if you're curious.
    It should explain the million journals
    and the constant complaining
    and the blowing things out of proportion
    and the overreactions
    and everything else you hate about me
    (and that I hate about myself.)

    BPD is a personality disorder.
    You can't change someone's personality.

    It's a personality type
    (dangerous, unpleasant, disgusting)
    that stems from
    ...something.
    They haven't figured me out yet.
    I can't change it.
    I can't fix it.
    I can't make it go away
    no matter how much I want to.

    Someday
    someone will want to marry me.
    That person will also have to marry
    borderline personality disorder.
    Nobody wants to marry that kind of madness.

    So I think I will be, as the Internet would say, "forever alone."

    I have made my peace with that fact.

    I would not inflict a marriage with a BPD person on anyone.
    Relationships, yes
    as much as BPD will let me have them.
    But no weddings
    no rings
    no vows
    no family
    no children.

    Sometimes
    I think it would be best to end my life
    right here
    right now
    pill bottle on the bedside table, Thursday in my ears, note under my pillow
    so that I can't hurt anyone anymore.

    I keep
    ****ing
    hurting
    people.

    The people I care about.
    The people I love, as much as I hate that word.

    Lately
    I feel like a bear trap.
    I lie in wait.
    I don't want to hurt anyone, but
    people step too close
    and my jaws snap
    and people are hurt badly.
    Then someone resets me
    and it starts all over again.

    So don't come near me.
    Don't get close to me.
    Don't get inside my head.
    For God's sakes, don't get near my heart.


    Because I can hurt you.
    And no matter how much I care
    no matter how much I love you
    no matter how much I don't want to hurt you

    in all likelihood

    eventually

    I will.

    http://www.deviantart.com/art/BPD-257636794
     
  3. Patorick

    Patorick First Grade

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    What causes BPD?

    https://www.quora.com/What-causes-BPD

    Brian Barnett, Interpreter. Artist. Wilderness guru. BPD

    Answered May 27

    Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is an emotional disorder. It happens when children grow up in environments that are emotionally painful, or neglectful. The emotional neglect can be very subtle, but children are sensitive. What we may consider subtle as adults is not subtle to a child. The child therefore subconsciously begins adopting ways to protect themself from emotional hurt.

    Imagine a little, two-year-old child who is terrified of lightning and thunder during a storm. The father merely laughs and dismisses the child’s feelings as ridiculous. This is emotional abuse of a child. The correct response - the normal, healthy response from a normal, non-demented, healthy adult - is to comfort the little child and assure them that their safe and there is nothing to fear. This is what children need. Not just prefer. Need.

    When a child goes long enough without getting their emotional needs met, they learn to hide their emotions, only trust themself, and fake emotional responses - actually, fake all responses, emotional or not - to fit the expectations of whoever they're interacting with. We with BPD have learned that this is the only way to ensure protection from emotional harm.

    Borderline Personality Disorder is good for us while we are stuck in our emotionally dangerous environments as kids, since it protects us. What an amazing testament to our brain’s ability to shield us from harm, even when we’re not aware of it. The drawback is that we grow up without our own identity. We’re actors, giving everybody what they want. We share our true selves with nobody, because we learned very early on that our feelings will be rejected, that our feelings are irrelevant and stupid. Therefore, even as adults, we continue subconsciously denying ourselves of our inherent emotional needs. This is a timebomb.

    The disorder generally becomes discovered in our adult lives, once we have our own relationships and families. The same subconscious protective mechanisms we developed as children that once kept us safe have long stopped serving their purpose. Instead, they cause only mayhem. Since it's all we know, we don't connect the dots on our own, or realize that our view of reality is distorted. It generally takes a hitting rock bottom event to make us explore our psychology.
     
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    18920654_10159251649150725_3466553346870483941_n.jpg

    With thanks to Simone the Storm fan on facebook.
     
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    The very fine BPD line between self-care and selfishness

    By Patrick Flynn

    23/6/2016, 10:39pm


    Hey again. So, how are you feeling right now (if you don’t mind my asking? Are you taking care of yourself and other people as well? Doing good things with the right intentions for good wholesome unselfish reasons? If you have BPD (also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder) the answer is probably a negative dismissive uncaring detached one. Or so it may seem.

    There is a fine line between self-care and selfishness. Or in the case of people who have BPD, a fine borderline. With mood disorders you have to be so aware of what emotion you are feeling and the effect it is having on you. You have to care for yourself to regulate and control your impulsive behaviors, especially when you are feeling emotionally or mentally unstable.

    It’s just so easy to just write about this stuff in the aftermath of an emotional feeling or event. So, the other day I wrote it down as it was happening, trying to apply mindfulness and selflessness to the experience as it was happening.

    So I got stood up, again. Feeling upset, as you do when you get stood up by someone, even if it’s just a friend that you were looking forward to talking with. I am trying so hard right now to deal with it in a mindful and selfless but still self-caring way. Don’t take it personally, it just wasn’t meant to be. Life is sometimes such, these things can sometimes happen. It’s OK to feel let down, upset and angry. A person without BPD would feel this way as well. Feeling so emotionally let down, upset and angry is OK in this situation. Just please try to remember all the good things that you do have in your life and don’t focus on just the things that you want (that you don’t have).

    Life is not perfect, these things can sometime happen to anyone. How you respond to this and other situations is within your control. You are the one who is in control here, let your feeling go, it will be OK. It may not be OK right now, you still feel emotional, but at some point it will work out for the best and everything will be relatively OK. Feelings are not facts, no matter how strong that feeling is. That is a fact.

    It actually felt really good to write all that down, as I was waiting in hope that the person would show up and or one of the cute waitresses would talk to me again. Then it hit me, the sudden realization that I am being selfish in this situation. I don’t have a mobile phone; she has probably messaged me with an explanation. You just have to be patient and deal with life in the moment as it is happening. It’s all good, she has a reason or there was a misunderstanding, it’s going to be OK. Just please be more patient. Do some meditation, focus on what emotion you are feeling, what thoughts you are thinking and why you are feeling or thinking this way. What is the cause? What do you want to get out of this? Waiting patiently for someone or something gives you time to reflect on things like this. The cause, what is it? What are you doing what you are doing? Are you meeting with them just to be friendly (or nice) or is it because you want something from them? Because you care about the person, their feelings and emotional needs (to be loved, cared for, nurtured, respected etc).

    Two of the waitresses are very cute (obviously and objectively beautiful), but I was noticing it in an obsessively attached sort of way. It was that momentary observation that reaffirmed that I was being selfish. Having self-diagnosed wandering eye syndrome is one thing, but I was taking my fondness for their physical form way too far. I stayed too long and engaged in outright objectification for way too long. I tried my best to do the right thing and have the right intentions, but my thinking was way too attached, obsessed and full of selfish desire. Buddhism teaches us that suffering is caused by desire, and it sure was in this particular case.

    Disordered thinking got the better of me there for a while. Self-delusional thoughts and negative attitudes took over but the day went on. Life went on, it is OK right now. Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are and just be grateful. Life with BPD is never anywhere near perfect, but with mindfulness, meditation, breathing, awareness and personal responsibility you can learn to regulate your intense emotional feelings into a relatively peaceful state of mind. It is very possible to manage BPD, even though it’s a daily battle that requires a lot of patience and perseverance. You just have to accept yourself for whoever you are and what you believe in. Find something positive in every situation you get into, please care for yourself and other people as well.

    The main thing is please don’t take your mental issues out on your family, friends and people in general. Let go of your negative energy, your selfish blaming of everyone else, take control and be a better borderline person (in spite of your disorder). You can care for your BPD in a better and less selfish way, for your loved ones sake and yours as well.

    Later,

    Pat.

    [email protected]

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    http://forums.leagueunlimited.com/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama.461654/

    https://silvertails.net/threads/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd-ama-please.51172/

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