The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
Some favourites:
"Sorry still outside the club. f**king steve." (queue)
"wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (merkin)
“Ready and raping to go!” (raring)
The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
It was inevitably written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
"Can't wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy)
"Fancy a dual?" (f*ck)
Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply:
"Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!"
"It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages)
“Gassy new year!!!" (happy)
"come on over... I have wind" (wine)
My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers:
“I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides)
“Put your coal into my puppy” (c**k & pussy)
I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late:
"Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide)
Whilst preparing for a play:
“Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script)
“Spank me when u get here” (Prank)
