Side effects.
This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. OK foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in 30% of users - sorry 50%. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable. Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are in the 10% of users who experience 'spontaneous test pilot knowledge'. May cause stigmata in New Zealanders. Do not sit on pointy conical objects. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of Records. Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a desk job. This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily 'walking around time'. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. Do not be concerned if you arouse a few clicks from a Geiger counter. You may want to get a one-month subscription to Extreme Fidgeting Magazine. Discontinue use if you feel your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience 'lumpy back' syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor.
