Funny Stuff

[strewth_mate]

:lol: precisely, just found a trove of those jokes on somethingawful. I spose it's that time of the night where I think they're pretty funny ;-) moving along...

 

[Misanthrope]

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

Bwahahahahahaha!

 

[Jobdog]

A guy walks into a butcher and goes
"I bet ya $50 says ya cant reach the meat on the top shelf."

the butcher says " naaa mate the steaks are to high"

:lol:

ahhhhhh thankyou thankyou you're to kind

:lol: Thats slightly good

 

[astrogirl]

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Stranger]

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day... i couldnt find any



:lol::lol::lol:

Ahhhh

 

[Parki]

what do you call a blind dinosaur?

doyouthinkhesaurus


what do you call a blind dinosaurs dog

doyouthinkhesaurus rex

 

[Stranger]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass

 

[astrogirl]

Oh no, I am starting to laugh at these bad jokes!

 

[Stranger]

You know you want to burst out and laugh

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"

"Well" said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
____________________
What did one angry garden gnome say to the other one?
You don't gnome me!

:lol:

*shows self door*

 

[strewth_mate]

:lol: oh dear... :lol:

 

[rock_on_knights]

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day... i couldnt find any

:lol: that's a good one

 

[Stranger]

How do you catch a red elephant?
With a red elephant trap.

How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.

How do you catch an orange elephant?
I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.

.... LOL

 

[Stranger]

Some good jokes

Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway.
____________________
"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?"
"It's rated aaarrrrrrrr."
___________

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi? :lol::lol:

 

[Parki]

Why did the chicken Cross the road?

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Bill Cosby 's Answer:
Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know
what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

Shakespeare 's Answer:
To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

 

[Stranger]

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
"Dam."
_____________
Why do businessmen carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
_____________

What did the carpenters call their brass quartet?
The Tuba Four

 

[astrogirl]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you had me de-sexed."

 

[astrogirl]

>A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
>shelves.
>
>"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
>
>The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
>
>To which the lady replied "Yes."
>
>"Well..." the rabbit said
>
>
>"I'm westing."
>
> HAPPY EASTER









What a stoopid joke

 

[Parki]

Q: Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
A: He didn't have the hare fare.

 

[Parki]

q:whats the difference between a rabbit and a matterbaby?

q: whats a matterbaby?

a: nothing, whats the matter with you?

 

[Pumba]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"