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Funny Stuff

Parki

Parki

Bench
Messages
3,400
Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes:


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Doctors: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

Wife: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Self: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Self: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Self: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

His Pet Dog: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Family: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Wife: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Family: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
 
astrogirl

astrogirl

First Grade
Messages
7,320
Parki said:
2 men walk into a bar

the first one says "ouch"

the second one says "you idiot, didnt you see me walk into it?"


thankyou thankyou im here all week
Click to expand...
Call me slow, but I don't get it :?
 
Parki

Parki

Bench
Messages
3,400
What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
So-low

thankyou thankyou, make sure you try the salad
 
astrogirl

astrogirl

First Grade
Messages
7,320
Parki said:
What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
So-low

thankyou thankyou, make sure you try the salad
Click to expand...
:lol: ok, that one made me giggle a little
 
Parki

Parki

Bench
Messages
3,400
Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

And my favourite

What's brown and sticky? A stick
 
Lynchy

Lynchy

Juniors
Messages
84
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
Roy

Roy

Juniors
Messages
864
i have soo many but i dont want to get banned, we need an adults only page
 
Stranger

Stranger

Coach
Messages
18,682
A guy walks into a butcher and goes
"I bet ya $50 says ya cant reach the meat on the top shelf."

the butcher says " naaa mate the steaks are to high"

:lol:

ahhhhhh thankyou thankyou you're to kind :)
 
strewth_mate

strewth_mate

Bench
Messages
2,989
A guy and his Saint-Bernard walk into a bar. The guy says to the bartender, "This dog knows everything about music and can answer any question you have".
The bartender says, "Nah, you're crazy." The guy says, "Go ahead -- ask him something".
So the bartender says to the dog, "OK, who is the greatest contrapuntal composer of the 17th century?"
The dog replies,"Bach".

----

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A: One's a porcupine. The other one's a BMW.

----

Man goes into the doctor, says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." Doctor says, "I think you have a rotator cuff injury."

----

A man walks into a bar. He drinks 7 Bluetongues, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

----

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

----

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
 
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