Laughter Is The Best Medicine

[Tigerm]

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Nutz]

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes

Oh this is so spot on and very funny.

 

[Tigerm]

Classic.

 

[Tigerm]

Getting old, does have its advantages hahaha

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Nutz]

 

[Nutz]

 

[Tigerm]

For the banana benders hahaha
A Diary extract of an Australian Southerner moving to Northern Queensland..

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Queensland!!

Now this is a place that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a daft thing to do. I learnt my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I didn't see Kitty our cat, sneaking into the car before I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at lunchtime, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank out $3,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learnt my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind gives me the shits. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's as hot as hell. The air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $250 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $1,700,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $2,500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this bloody place.

November 8th:

If another smartarse says, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to throttle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th :

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $4,000 worth of palms will dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air conditioner in my car has gone. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $5,000 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Queensland. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WTF… This is the first day of summer???

You are @#?*@! Kidding me!”

 

[Tigerm]

Apologies to the labor supporters hahaha
Anthony Albanese was out strolling one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down the bank and landed in the water below.
Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Albo said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.' Albo said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'
The third kid said, 'I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' The PM was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.' The kid said,'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'

 

[Tigerm]

A decked-out city biker walks into a seedy Pub in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of curry.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there, the city biker finally asks the old-timer, "If you’re not gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The old veteran of countless rides slowly turns his head toward the young man and says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the city biker, dressed in shiny new leather gear, slides the bowl over, grabs a spoon, and starts devouring the chili with delight.
He gets nearly to the bottom when he spots a dead mouse in the curry. Shocked, he immediately vomits the curry back into the bowl.
The old biker calmly says, "Yep, that’s as far as I got, too."

 

[Tigerm]

Never seen this before.

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Tigerm]

A Wife's Eulogy at Husband's Funeral… Norman needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was.
They urgently needed to know, to save Norman's life.
Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so l only had time to hold his hand and say goodbye I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, 'Be positive, be positive!' "That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Tigerm]

The sort of delivery guy, you need.

 

[Tigerm]