I'm writing this while trying not to cry.
Part of me thinks that is the single most pathetic sentence ever written in the history of the internet. But another part of me knows how much LU has meant to me over the last 3 years. Hopefully after reading this (if anyone bothers) you might understand me a bit better as I go off into the sunset.
3 years ago I was a 125kg unemployed borderline recluse. I would easily go a week or two without leaving the house. I hated when my friends dragged me out of the house. I wasn't depressed, I was just content to spend day after day on the internet while ignoring my problems. It was during this time that I stumbled onto these forums during yet another long monotonous day on the computer.
I love rugby league and saw a rugby league forum as another great tool to help me pass the time and help me procrastinate instead of working on my issues. It become a refuge from a very shitty period in my life. As time went on and I posted more and more I began to see 'BunniesMan' as a character to role play. I enjoyed writing and so I started writing 'BM' as a person who while loosely based on the real me was exaggerated and enhanced to live the life I wanted to live.
I consciously exaggerated him towards an obnoxious angle because I genuinely did not want people to like the fake me or to make people develop positive feelings for anything made up as I thought that would be crossing the line. So instead of just making him be some loser from Liverpool, I made him an arrogant silver spoon fed spoiled brat from Mosman.
But boy did things get out of control. LU become the main part of my day. While anything I wrote about external matters (from sports to politics or anything else) were my real opinions, the personal stuff I wrote about myself was just layer upon layer of exaggeration and lies to feed the monster some forum users were seemingly obsessed in.
Eventually it all came out and the dislike many had for me exploded into an unending torrent of vile loathing and abuse from some individuals. In my biased opinion the reaction I received from some was out of all proportion to the sins I committed.
In the end what were my real crimes? I made up some dumb lies about my personal life and I strongly and passionately and unwaveringly believed in my favourite teams and players. I didn't lie to steal (eg convince people to meet me and then rob them), I didn't lie to make people emotionally invested (eg something genuinely disgusting like making up a cancer battle, death in the family etc). And I never went after and unnecessarily abused or bullied anyone.
With that in mind I think the way some treat me is unfair, undeserving and completely out of all proportion to what I did wrong. I think the bullying and abuse and unending ridicule is so much worse than the worst of anything I've done.
For quite a long time after that I happily continued on without being overly bothered by all of that. I mostly left the NRL section, limiting most of my posting to the FFB, Cricket and Soccer where in my opinion most people are far more decent. Cricket eventually became just as bad as NRL to me. But I still enjoyed FFB. I loved the Mafia games. I also enjoyed hearing all sorts of random conversations, from the weird to the wonderful, in Superthread.
But eventually it all just got too much of me. I became human, I felt the criticism (mostly still unwarranted and unfair IMO) and I got tired of it. For a long time I thought the haters would get over all the drama which is now almost TWO years ago but it is very clear some people will never treat me like a normal person. Enough people want me to go away permanently. It is emotionally exhausting. You have won.
And what I've realised very recently is my life is in a better place than it was back when I started here and I don't need this refuge anymore. In a weird way I think this place has been some sort of strange therapy because it has helped me get my life on track and I'm very thankful for that. At the age of 23 I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm starting 2014 at 94 kg (the smallest I've been since high school), a job (that's a first for me), $5000 in the bank (more than has ever been there) and a girl that might like me (that's another first) and I even have a bit of a tan (that's a first since early high school, and a bit of a difference from the famous photo floating around of me). I'm going to move to Melbourne soon to pursue my dream career (my real job will be a real estate agent but I'll be doing that to support my real passion, my writing, and my goal of moving to New York City one day) and for the first time in a long time I'm looking forward to a New Years Eve because for the first time in a long time I'm excited about what the New Year has in store for me.
I won't miss any of the full on haters. But there are a number of people I've grown to like a great deal. While I don't think I've made any friends on here because I don't think anyone really likes me I have enjoyed reading what a lot of you have to say. People like Dani (probably the only person who never said anything mean to me, you're incredibly nice), JM, Apey, Monk (people who are so funny, entertaining and whose posts I most cared about reading), Soc (even little things like inviting me to the Fantasy league meant a great deal to me) and Mis (your contribution in making the FFB Mafia tradition what it is gave me so much enjoyment over many months, at times they were the highlight of my day). There are others but being liked by me is probably not seen as a good thing so I won't make any more of you feel bad.
To the people I mentioned above as well as everybody else who has not been unrelentingly horrible to me I wish you all the best of luck in your future. I hope you achieve all your dreams and I hope you are all happy.
If anybody is still reading I thank you for making it this far and sorry for taking up your time with something as obnoxious as a forum retirement thread. But for all the arrogant wanker things I've done I have never made an entire thread about myself before today.
Good bye and good luck, FFB.
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