NFT - Joke

[misty]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

:lol: :lol:

 

[misty]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

:roll: :lol: :lol:
surely no one is that stupid.

 

[Razor]

surely no one is that stupid.

They are. I work in computer support.

 

[BaMb00zled]

lol, that is a pretty poor Joke Andy but it still worth a laugh... :lol:

 

[BaMb00zled]

Rofl, i anjoyed that one more BUDERUS....rofl, nice stuff

 

[BUDERUS]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a
cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003
models.
I saw one I really liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment
with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

 

[BUDERUS]

The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is
not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of large South African metropolitan hospital. However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU"

 

[Andy]

The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is
not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of large South African metropolitan hospital. However, she is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work. It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[BUDERUS]

Cuckoo!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the damn cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem peed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s**t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted".

 

[Andy]

I posted this one in a separate thread 3 days ago ;-)

 

[Kaz]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly - raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"


(Scroll Down, ees worth it!)


Ees"






"Ees"









"Ees... a.... Ham bush" :lol:




Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- *nice person* -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- *nice person* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." -- *nice person* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." -- *nice person*.