NFT - Joke

[Johns Magic]

Just heard this joke today - this is my version of it anyway.

Little Johnny is in kindergarten. His teacher announced at school that tomorrow was going to be pet day, where everyone gets to bring in their pet to show the class. The teacher asks Sally "What are you going to bring tomorrow, Sally?" Sally replies "My bunny rabbit." The teacher asks little Micky. "Micky, what are you goin to bring tomorrow?" He says "Im bringing my guinea pig" Finally the teacher asks little Johnny what he will bring tomorrow. Little Johnny says "A hedgehog" The teacher says "Dont be silly Johnny, there are no hedgehogs in Australia!" Little Johnny replies "Yes there is - last night mummy told daddy that if he did the washing up, she would give him a hedgehog!"

:lol:

 

[BUDERUS]

:lol:

 

[misty]

18 ways to tell someone their fly is open.....

1. The cucumber has left the salad

2. I can see the guns of Navarone

3. Someone tore down the wall and I can see your pink floyd

4.You've got windows on your laptop

5. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave

6. Your soldier ain't so unknown anymore

7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the bell tower and tend his bell

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position

9. Your pod bay door is open

10. Elvis junior has left the building

11. Mini me is making a break for the pod door

12. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck.SIR!

13. The Ford is not all the way in the garage

14. Dr Kimble has escaped

15. You've got your fly set for Monica and not Hillary

16. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction

17. I'm talking about shaft, can you dig it

18. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

 

[misty]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into
a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting
his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'Day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if
I speak to Him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi)
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good - he walks me twice a day, feeds me great
tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play"

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi)
Horse : "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regular, brushes me down often and keeps me in a barn to
protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep's a bloody liar"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[antonius]

I think "BUDERUS" is challenging you for top spot as forum joker Andy. :lol: :lol: :lol: By the way luved your first up effort.LOL.

 

[Andy]

Yeah bring it on! The more jokers, the merrier this place will be!

 

[BUDERUS]

Mum always knows what to say

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and
all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"Most of them are cab drivers," she replied.

 

[BUDERUS]

God's Earth



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God

went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel

found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of

God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of

satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look Michael! Look what I have made." Archangel Michael

looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going

to

call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of

great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is

going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot

spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over

there is a continent of black people." God continued,

pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this

place

America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while

South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little

spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.

Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by God's work,

then he pointed to a large land mass and asked,

"What's that one?"

"Ah", said God, "That's Australia, the most glorious

place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests,

rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are

good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be

found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,

hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known

throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm

also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and

rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come

across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared,

"But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining,

sheep-loving bunch I'm putting next to them."

 

[astrogirl]

18 ways to tell someone their fly is open.....

4.You've got windows on your laptop

18. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

LOL, funny stuff :lol:

 

[BUDERUS]

18 ways to tell someone their fly is open.....

1. The cucumber has left the salad

2. I can see the guns of Navarone

3. Someone tore down the wall and I can see your pink floyd

4.You've got windows on your laptop

5. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave

6. Your soldier ain't so unknown anymore

7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the bell tower and tend his bell

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position

9. Your pod bay door is open

10. Elvis junior has left the building

11. Mini me is making a break for the pod door

12. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck.SIR!

13. The Ford is not all the way in the garage

14. Dr Kimble has escaped

15. You've got your fly set for Monica and not Hillary

16. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction

17. I'm talking about shaft, can you dig it

18. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Anonymous]

No. 15 is my personal fave.

 

[misty]

I like num1 :lol: :lol:

 

[Andy]

No. 3 is a killer. :lol:

 

[Big Tim]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

 

[Big Tim]

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

 

[Big Tim]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[Big Tim]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

[Big Tim]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee,stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

[Big Tim]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[the_knights_rule]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: loved the old lady one! :lol: :lol: