OT: Joke

[Bastard Squad]

Worlds best name ?

 

[DJShaksta]

Thats farkin awesome BS

 

[Bastard Squad]

I think he eats out here...

 

[cb4]

did u get the superman batman name as well bs

 

[cb4]

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you girl, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

 

[cb4]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a
suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a
John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

 

[bad boy bubby]

yep it was bunta.
Speaking of great old cronulla/shire based bands
the rocks
Gary Hughes Charm school ( well dunno about great )
The chesters ( may have been from Hurtsville area )

anyone remember these guys?

hahahaha, the memories carch!
The Rocks are Sharks supporters and get to the games quite often.
Gary Hughes Charm School! lolol, I played with them and Bunta at Wanda Surf Club one night for a benefit for SIDS, low and behold Hughes made it a bondage night dressup :lol:
i lived across the street from him on Elourea rd, he always came over with Rebel when were jammin
The Chesters- one Millerlite has very close connections :sarcasm:

I also played with Bunta at the late great Jack Gibsons house (think i've mentioned this before on here)

 

[bad boy bubby]

Wasn't Gary Hughes band called Skool Daze ? (or some such spelling)

Anyone remember Shute ?

don't you mean Girls School??? :lol: (his all girl review)

dont remember shute

 

[coolumsharkie]

The fish that John west rejected

 

[carcharias]

hahahaha, the memories carch!
The Rocks are Sharks supporters and get to the games quite often.
Gary Hughes Charm School! lolol, I played with them and Bunta at Wanda Surf Club one night for a benefit for SIDS, low and behold Hughes made it a bondage night dressup :lol:
i lived across the street from him on Elourea rd, he always came over with Rebel when were jammin
The Chesters- one Millerlite has very close connections :sarcasm:

I also played with Bunta at the late great Jack Gibsons house (think i've mentioned this before on here)

I went to the cross with Hughsie once....he still owes me 20 bucks.
I was a mate of a mate of his...

fuggen strange night.
We ended up seeing the Jeff Duff orchestra.

I was pretty glad to get out of the car driven by some stripper he knew...(in the middle of nowhere)

yeah just here ..I can walk the rest of the way...thanks, see ya never again.

 

[Whaleshark]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

 

[Whaleshark]

A little bloke was sitting at the bar of his local when this flip wearing a St George Jumper walks up and hits him in the neck knocking him to the floor then says “that’s a karate chop from Korea"

The little bloke gets back on his bar stool and resumes drinking his schooner.

A short while later St George gets up to use the men’s. As he walks by the little bloke, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor "that’s a judo chop from Japan "he says.

The little bloke is pissed off big time so he leaves the bar and about 10 minutes later walks back in straight up to the prick and belts him on the head, knocking him out cold then turns to the barman and says" when he wakes up, tell him that was a fu#$king crowbar from Bunnings.

 

[coolumsharkie]

Bloke walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'




Passenger: 'Who?'



Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'





Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'




Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano, he was an amazing guy.





Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'



Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'





Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.




Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?



Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his f**king widow.'

 

[cb4]

bahahahahahaha

 

[Eion]

No list of jokes is complete without Chuck making an appearance:

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no
one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

Shane Watson is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he cr@pped it out, the turtle was six
feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him
there was a stripper in it.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It
will be because he has run out of women.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck
Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in New Zealand.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris ! recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Australian women lost
their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or
ugly.

Chuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store
his porn.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive
erection.There were no survivors.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500,
without a car.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck
Norrised.

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented
pink.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
and a green card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris divides by zero.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never
f*cks up.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Barry kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of the month.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to
a friend that the expression "sh*tting bricks" wasn't just a figure of
speech.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.

 

[cb4]

Mujibar from Mombai, was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia .'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'

The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green, green
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''

 

[Bastard Squad]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG ?


Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years.

You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done.'



The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,

where did the white man go wrong?'



The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute

and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians

running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,

Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian
man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'



Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb
enough to think he can improve system like that.'

 

[sharknows]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

 

[gregstar]

What do you call a Bear with no ears?








































A b.

 

[cb4]

bahahaha