So I was a high school student who living with my wealthy parents in the North Shore area of suburban Chicago. My father wanted me to attend Princeton University, so my mother tells me to tell the interviewer, Bill Rutherford, about my participation in Future Enterprisers, an extracurricular activity in which students work in teams to create small businesses.
When my parents go away on a trip, I was left with explicit instructions not to touch the stereo system and not to use my father's beloved Porsche. My friend, Miles, convinced me to take advantage of his newfound freedom to have some fun. On the first night, I raided the liquor cabinet, played the stereo loudly, and danced around the living room in my underpants, socks, and pink dress shirt to "Old Time Rock and Roll". Later, my friend Barry and myself take the Porsche out and drive it recklessly.
The following day, Miles calls a call girl named Jackie on my behalf despite my frustrated objections. Jackie turned out to be a tall, masculine transvestite. I reluctantly payed Jackie most of the money my parents gave me to go away, but before he leaves, he gives me the number for Lana, another prostitute, promising that she's "what every white boy off the lake wants".
That night, I had a nightmare of my house being covered by squad cars and the police arresting me for statutory rape as my friends and family watch in horror. Jostled awake, I hesitantly call Lana. She turns out to be a gorgeous blonde and we have sex all night. The following morning, Lana asks me for $300 for her services. Having no money in the house, I went to the bank, but when I returned, Lana was gone, along with my mother's expensive Steuben crystal egg. Miles and I find Lana at a restaurant and demand the egg back, but we were interrupted by Lana's pimp, Guido, who pulls a gun. I (in my father's Porsche 928) was chased by Guido, but managed to escape.
The next morning, Lana tells me that the egg is with the rest of her stuff at Guido's. I let Lana stay at my house while he goes to school. When I return, my friends are over, and Lana has invited another prostitute, Vicki, to stay. Later, Lana mentions to me that my friends should collaborate with her friends to make money. I reject the idea.
That night, myself, Lana, Vicki, and Barry go out. We all get stoned, and while Vicky and Barry wander away, myself and Lana talk. Lana takes offense to something I said and leaves. While retrieving her purse from my dad's car, she inadvertently moves the shifter out of gear. Moments later, the car rolls down the hill and onto a pier, despite all of my futile attempts to stop it. The pier collapses, dumping the Porsche into Lake Michigan. I take the car to a repair shop and am absolutely horrified to learn how much it will cost to fix it.
Arriving tardy to school, I realise my lateness will cause me to fail 2 midterms. I attempt to explain my situation to the school nurse but am coldly rebuffed. I grabs the nurse by the collar and calmly demands compassion. Following this, I got suspended for 5 days and kicked out of Future Enterprisers. I go to see Lana, who decides to turn the Goodsons' house into a brothel for a night; My share of the profits will pay for the car repairs.
The party is a huge success; the house is packed with all of my friends and classmates and Lana's co-workers. However, Rutherford chooses that night to evaluate my for admission to Princeton. The interview is plagued by interruptions, and Rutherford is unimpressed by my resume. Unaffected by the apparent rejection, I famously puts on a pair of Wayfarers and joyously exclaims, "Looks like University of Illinois!" Afterwards, Rutherford stays at the party and becomes acquainted with Lana's friends. After the party, myself and Lana go and have sex on the deserted Chicago 'L' train.
The next morning, I find my house has been burgled. When I tries to call Lana, Guido answers; he tells me that he will let me buy back his furniture. I buy back all of the furniture, the final piece being the glass egg. Guido's female associate (Vicki, who has clearly double-crossed me ; left unclear is how much Lana participated in the burglary) tosses the egg like a football and I just barely manage to catch it before it hits the ground. Fortunately, myself and my friends manage to get everything moved back in just as my parents walk in, though my mother notices a crack in her egg. Joel eventually accepts responsibility and goes out to rake the yard. my father comes up to me and excitedly informs me that Rutherford was satisfied with the interview and said "Princeton could use a guy like me".
I meet Lana at a restaurant, and we speculate about our future. She tells me that she wants to keep on seeing me ; I joke that it will cost her. In a final voiceover, I reveal that, for my Future Enterprises class, I "dealt in human fulfillment" and it has turned quite a profit. I ends by quoting Guido: "Time of your life, huh kid?"
tell it again.
