Presenter I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs Anne Elk.
Miss Elk Miss.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ANNE ELK'
Presenter You have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Miss Elk Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Presenter Exactly. (he gestures but she does not say anything) What is it?
Miss Elk Where? (looks around)
Presenter No, no your new theory?
Miss Elk Oh, what is my theory?
Presenter Yes.
Miss Elk Oh what is my theory that it is. Yes, well you may well ask me what is my theory.
Presenter I am asking.
Miss Elk Good for you. My word yes. Well Chris, what is it that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.
Presenter (beginning to show signs of exasperation) Yes, I know it's yours, what is it?
Miss Elk Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it. (clears throat at some length) My theory that belongs to me is as follows. (clears throat at great length) This is how it goes. The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. Ready?
Presenter Yes!
Miss Elk My Theory by A. Elk. Brackets Miss, brackets. This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and belongs to me and I own it, and what it is too.
Presenter That's it, is it?
Miss Elk Spot on, Chris.
Presenter Well, er, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail on the head.
Miss Elk And it's mine.
Presenter Yes, thank you for coming along to the studio. Thank you.
Miss Elk My pleasure, Chris...
Presenter Next week Britain's newest wasp farm...
Miss Elk It's been a lot of fun.
Presenter Yes, thank you very much.
Miss Elk Saying what my theory is.
Presenter Yes, thank you.
Miss Elk And whose it is.
Presenter Yes, thank you - that's all - thank you. ...opens next week.
Miss Elk I have another theory.
Presenter Yes.
Miss Elk Called my second theory, or my theory number two.
Presenter Thank you. Britain's newest wasp farm...
Miss Elk This second theory which was the one that I had said...
Presenter (the phone rings; he answers) Yes, no I'm trying...
Miss Elk Which I could expound without doubt. This second theory which, with the one which I have said, forms the brace of theories which I own and which belongs to me, goes like this...
Presenter (looking at his shoe) nine and a half, wide fitting...Balleys of Bond Street. What? No, sort of brogue.
Miss Elk This is what it is. (clears throat)
Presenter Eight and a half.
Miss Elk This is it...(lots of noisy throat clearing)
He rises and leaves the set to go next door to the travel agent set, leaving Miss Elk behind for a moment. Bounder is still on the phone. His other phone rings; he answers it.
Bounder Hello, yes,,,yes,,,
The presenter enters the travel set. The tourist is still droning on as before and Bounder is still on the phone.
Tourist (carrying on all through the scene below) ...and the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the last outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and decimated Europe, and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco...
The presenter approaches Bounder.
Presenter The fire brigade are here. They're coming.
Bounder Hello! No, no, no I think they are all part of the British Shoe Corporation now.
Miss Elk follows the presenter in.
Miss Elk Chris, this other theory of mine which is mine like the other one I also own. The second theory...
The fire brigade enter and the secretary goes to greet them. They speak to her and she takes off her shoe to check the size. Meanwhile...
Miss Elk My second theory states that fire brigade choirs seldom sing songs about Marcel Proust.
With only a half-beat pause the fire brigade start singing the Proust song. After the usual number of lines we hear the gong.
Voice Over Start again.
