Have to agree with Baz sorry Drew. Not sure it was your place to say what you did but it's obvious that you care and were trying to help. Just my worthless opinion
Not worthless. Happy to concede that you feel otherwise to what I say.
Firstly I converse with her privately, so what I do and don't say here is not relevant.
She posts publically, in my mind the problem has to be addressed publicly. Harsh but true.
Secondly, you put her down just by taking the position that you know better.
Am I wrong in anything that I've said? I'm not trying to sound like an arrogant prick, but is what I said correct? It is unhealthy for her, it is poisonous to her self image, it is painful for us to keep telling her one thing yet she believe another. If I'm wrong, then sure - string me up. But I don't think I am on this.
Let alone comments about "getting pissy" and "playing the victim" and so on.
She did get snippy and she is playing the victim. Again, harsh I know, but call a spade a spade. If you pussy foot around and bubble wrap everyone so they don't get hurt, they never hear what they need to hear and in turn get worse. I'm not one for watching someone drown and simply offer kind words of support.
Thirdly, I've said all I'm going to say. You want her to take your advice, then consider mine. If you don't know anything about where she's coming from (and I can see you don't), then don't try to help, because all it will do is make things worse.
That's not entirely fair. I've battled anxiety and poor confidence as a result of massive schoolyard bullying for most of my teenage years and then early 20's. Some of the best help I got was people straight shooting the truth to me and not treating me like a piece of glass that would crack under the slightest wind.
Also, you don't know what is and isn't helping. Technically, none of us are helping, according to her psychologist. Still, I think thats because we sit here and simply let her say what she says and let her get away with it.
Listen, don't judge, and for christs goddamned sake don't try and enforce your own views...
I have listened, I haven't judged and I'm as entitled to my view on the issue as she (and you) are entitled to your own views on the situation. If someone brings something into the public sphere, you can't then claim you don't want people to comment on it when someone says somthing contrary to your liking.
Edit-and I do see that you're trying to help. I'm not having a dig at you specifically. But trust me, unless you've been there or are actually trained to do so, it's near on impossible to do it effectively and generally you'll make things worse because you can't empathise...
I get what you're doing. I just have a very different view of what help is; and that is sometimes the truth, as hard as it is to swallow, is more helpful than simply sitting there and patting someone on the head as you say 'there there'.
I adore you, Dani, but Drew is making a lot of good points. Coming on here and beating yourself up isn't helping you at all.
He's not asking you to fix yourself overnight. He's not asking you to change who you are. He's just suggesting that the constant self deprecation and self pity are not healthy for you.
There's only so many times the dozen or so of us who regularly tell you that you're attractive can say it before it reaches a point of diminishing returns for all involved.
Maybe you don't want to listen to Drew because he's one of the shiny, happy people. So try listening to it coming from me. Almost every day of my life for the last twenty or so years I've found myself on the verge of tears at some point as I deal with the fact I dislike myself more than I have any reason to. Seriously, if another person felt about me the way I do, I'd have an enemy for life.
I've gone to the edge and come back. I've terrified friends and family. I've had relationships and friendships ruined because of the black dog that follows me everywhere.
So believe me when I say that one of the worst things you can do is feed the beast by beating yourself up out loud all the time. It's bad enough that you've got your inner dialogue telling you that you're useless or ugly or worthless. Giving it a voice does not help you one bit.
Just like you've offered to be there for me in the past, I'm offering the same here again. I'm happy to hear you out and offer what advice I can.
I haven't been in your shoes. I haven't had to deal with the same shit you have. But I deal with my own shit. It's not a dick measuring contest. There are no winners in a 'who is saddest' competition.
But I know how it feels to hate yourself. I know how it feels to be alone and miserable. And I can say vehemently that constantly reminding yourself of it by posting it at every chance you get is not going to do anything but make you feel worse and slow down your road to recovery.
f**k that's an awesome post. Well done Mis.
That's unfortunate.
