Superthread LXI - No longer honouring AdamKungl for his birthday as it has now passed

[Dani]

Dani, this dude is bad news. If I were in your shoes, I'd be doing everything I could to lose all contact with him. New phone number, block on Facebook, hang out less with mutual friends.

He is a merkin. Merkins never change. He doesn't deserve to have any contact with you. He ruined that privilege for himself. By you continuing to talk to him, you are actually validating his behavior. Giving him a chance to wheedle his way back into your life. He will tell you he has changed and is sorry but none of that is true.

I somewhat agree. But how am I supposed to get closure?

And he is blocked from fb ect. I only texted him back to tell him I couldn't accept his apology. His friends are really the only friends I have left. I fell into such a deep depression all my friends here have completely turned their backs on me. Don't even get me started on that...

I could never be his friend. Ever. But as I said, not outright hating him is a lot easier.

 

[Twizzle]

cant believe how quick the ashes are over

wtf to do with my time now

 

[Joker's Wild]

You dont have to forgive him but you really need to forgive yourself Dani. None of what happened is your fault and you dont deserve to feel guilty about it.

It sounds like you need a fresh start with new friends tbh

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

I somewhat agree. But how am I supposed to get closure?

And he is blocked from fb ect. I only texted him back to tell him I couldn't accept his apology. His friends are really the only friends I have left. I fell into such a deep depression all my friends here have completely turned their backs on me. Don't even get me started on that...

I could never be his friend. Ever. But as I said, not outright hating him is a lot easier.

Don't hate him. He no longer exists.

There is your closure.

The guy has been swallowed up by the rest of the world, never to be seen or heard from again.

Whatever happens to him, or those around him, it's just not your problem. Don't worry about the next Woman that he lures in or how he may still feel about what he did to you, don't ask questions of yourself as to why he treated you that way. He is gone, that part of your life is over and you are moving on to bigger and better things.

 

[Jason Maher]

Everybody wants to be beautiful on the outside. I don't care how comfortable you are, if given the choice, everyone would look better.

True. It's impossible not to feel this way in our culture, which places such an emphasis on physical appearance. The trick is not let it consume you. That is much harder for women than it is for men.

Just remember: no how matter how pretty you are now, when you're 80, you'll be wrinkled with blue rinse in your hair just like everyone else (unless your name is Cher). ;-)

 

[Dani]

I only feel guilty because I told him I couldn't forgive him.

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

Ever heard that saying - "A problem shared is a problem halved?"

Right now, he is sharing his problems with you and you are halving his burden. Even though you don't mean it.

Just the fact that you respond to him is helping him through his guilt. f**k him. He doesn't deserve any assistance and he certainly doesn't deserve the pleasure of knowing that he still affects you in some way.

 

[Dani]

Don't hate him. He no longer exists.

There is your closure.

The guy has been swallowed up by the rest of the world, never to be seen or heard from again.

Whatever happens to him, or those around him, it's just not your problem. Don't worry about the next Woman that he lures in or how he may still feel about what he did to you, don't ask questions of yourself as to why he treated you that way. He is gone, that part of your life is over and you are moving on to bigger and better things.

But its not that easy. Every time a guy raises his voice at a woman anywhere near me I feel sick.

 

[Twizzle]

I only feel guilty because I told him I couldn't forgive him.

that's his problem, not yours

 

[Dani]

that's his problem, not yours

Like I said. My brain is stupid.

 

[afinalsin666]

If only emotions were logic. Everything would be much simpler.

 

[afinalsin666]

Have you looked into learning to fight Dani? My aunt went through similar shit you're going through, she took a bunch of boxing lessons and worked out like crazy, it helped a fair bit.

Outside the box.

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

But its not that easy. Every time a guy raises his voice at a woman anywhere near me I feel sick.

This feeling will lessen in time as long as you just stop having anything to do with the guy.

Still having him in your life just keeps the wounds open.

I just married a Woman who came into our relationship out of an abusive situation.

The best thing she ever did was listen to what I am telling you now.

 

[Dani]

I did not speak to him for 15 months!

And it was getting easier. But hate weighs heavy on your heart.

As I said. I've done it alone. Which has made things about eleventy billion times harder. I'm trying.

 

[Misanthrope]

I want to get married someday. Cheesy as it is, I even daydreamed about it when I was you and for a while when I was dating Idaho.

 

[Dani]

I'd marry Mis.

 

[Misanthrope]

Pretty sure I'd be a terrible husband at this point. All I do is sleep and run mafia games when I'm not traveling.

 

[Dani]

All I do is lay in bed and read/watch dvds.

Match made in heaven. Or something.

 

[Alba]

If I may, it might be time to evaluate if forgiveness is possible. You don't have to have any contact or relationship with him at all, but part of the recovery process is being able to forgive and move on as to not do so will eat you up.

Happy to talk offline about it if you like Just want the best for you.



Totally agree. But then why do people post things about true beauty being on the inside after they post a selfie of them in the most suggestive pose and all dolled up? This is the contradiction I don't understand.

Because every girl wants to be told they are beautiful.

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

I did not speak to him for 15 months!

And it was getting easier. But hate weighs heavy on your heart.

As I said. I've done it alone. Which has made things about eleventy billion times harder. I'm trying.

With my missus, the biggest problem she had dealing with her ex was the why of the whole thing.

Why, when she loved him so much and he said that he loved her, did he then try to run her life and beat her up whenever she didn't play by his rules?

The real cunning of these arseholes is that they manage to pass their problems off to the Women that they bash. It's the guy who has the issue, yet they always leave their Woman feeling that everything is their fault.

Here are some facts that I can pass on to you Dani and if you think about these when you are remembering what this prick did to you, they will help you.

1. What he did to you was not your fault at all. He is 100% in the wrong no matter what he said was the cause of him hitting you.

2. Don't believe any of the limitations he put on you during your relationship. Whatever he said you are or are not capable of doing is false.

3. Don't believe any of the judgement calls he made about your personality or looks. They are false and guys like him make these statements to damage your self confidence.

4. Despite what he says, he does not deserve your pity or your guilt. What he deserves is for you to no longer be in his life.

5. Your healing process has nothing to do with him. Talking to him / trying to make peace with him will only prolong the agony and stall your healing.


These guys control Women by damaging their self confidence to the point where they feel that they are worthless and deserve everything that is being dished out.

You are a better person than he could ever hope to be and you are also far better than he thinks you are.

I'm sure that over the time of your relationship, he would have told you that there are things you are incapable of or even not allowed to do. A good way to kick start your self-confidence is to go and do one of those things. In the case of my wife, she was told that she was too stupid to learn how to drive. She's been driving for about 5 years now and her learning how to drive was a great catalyst for her self confidence.

You need to start undoing some of the damage that he has done to your self image.