World Cup 2014: Conservative American columnist Ann Coulter tears into soccer
SAM CLENCH
news.com.au
July 01, 2014 10:45AM
WORLD Cup fever is kind of, sort of taking hold in the United States, with the American team through to the round of 16.
The USA’s match against Portugal last week drew a TV audience of more than 18 million people, making it the second-most-watched game of soccer in the nation’s history.
For soccer fans, that’s a heartwarming statistic. But according to prominent, provocative conservative columnist Ann Coulter, America’s new-found enthusiasm for the sport is an unmitigated catastrophe.
“Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay,” Ms Coulter says.
She’s written a strident column denouncing soccer as, among other things, a boring, wussy sport that is only watched by Americans with foreign blood.
We’ve extracted Ms Coulter’s key arguments below, and rated their relative craziness using a brand new invention — the Coultometer.
NOTE: When Ms Coulter refers to “football”, she’s talking about gridiron. When she mentions “liberals”, she means people whose politics are to the left of centre.
1. SOCCER INVOLVES NO INDIVIDUAL ACHIEVEMENT
“Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer,” Ms Coulter writes. “The blame is dispersed, and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called ‘soccer mums,’ not ‘football mums.’
“Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in.”
Really? Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar ... we didn’t just draw those names out of a hat and decide to make them the superstars of football. They’re singled out for their freakish individual skills.
I’m sure English striker and occasional pariah Wayne Rooney would have something to say about blame being “dispersed.” He single-handedly blew every game for England, right?
Coultometer: 4/5 (alarmingly crazy)
2. IT’S EVOLUTIONARILY REGRESSIVE
“You can’t use your hands in soccer,” Ms Coulter says. “What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!”
Apparently, if your sport doesn’t demonstrate the full extent of human evolution, it is not worth playing.
Coultometer: 2/5 (slightly crazy)
3. IT’S BORING
“No other ‘sport’ ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer,” she writes. “If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina v Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.”
Draw. It’s called a draw, not a tie. Apart from that, this is actually a reasonable point. There have been five scoreless draws at this World Cup so far, and that’s in an unusually high-scoring tournament.
Coultometer: 1/5 (not crazy)
4. SOMETHING SOMETHING THE METRIC SYSTEM
“Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine,” Ms Coulter writes.
“Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more ‘rational’ than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualise. How do you visualise 147.2 centimetres?”
I feel as though Ms Coulter got a little sidetracked here.
Coultometer: 5/5 (infinitely crazy)
5. IT’S FOR WUSSES
“The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport,” Ms Coulter says. “After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.”
Ever seen someone’s leg get broken on a football field? That certainly counts as a “major injury.” And there is no greater humiliation in sport than an own goal.
Having said that, it’s hard to disagree with Ms Coulter’s point when you see a grown man writhing around on the ground after suffering the wrath of a light, passing breeze.
Coultometer: 2/5 (slightly crazy)
6. IT’S REALLY, REALLY LONG
“I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone.”
That sledge comes from a woman who prefers baseball and gridiron, both of which average about three hours of slow, stop-start action per game.
Coultometer: 3/5 (crazy)
7. IT’S MASSIVELY OVERHYPED
“I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer,” Ms Coulter says. “The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is ‘catching on’ is exceeded only be the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.
“The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN ... Run-of-the-mill, regular season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers.”
It’s hard to quarrel with this argument. How many times have we been told that football has finally “arrived” in Australia? When the World Cup is over, Americans will not suddenly go nuts for Major League Soccer.
Coultometer: 1/5 (not crazy)
8. ONLY PEOPLE WITH FOREIGN BLOOD LIKE IT
“If more ‘Americans’ are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law,” Ms Coulter says.
“I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”
I ... I can’t even.
Coultometer: 5/5 (infinitely crazy)
