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Superthread XIX

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Twizzle

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This font walks into a bar and the bartender says, sorry we dont serve your type here
 

Twizzle

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what do you call a man with his hand up a camels arse.....

an afghani mechanic



Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?

In Iraq!
 

Twizzle

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What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison!
 

Twizzle

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Q: What do you get when you breed a poodle and an elephant?



A: A dead poodle, split in half.
 

Twizzle

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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 peach
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?".

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"

He says, "Because you're f**kin ugly."
 

Twizzle

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Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude in the monastery courtyard, while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed he bent down to pick up the bell. And all the other bells went off.
 

Twizzle

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A Duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?
 

DB

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Why did the mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Peace Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
 

Twizzle

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Anyway , two blokes are found guilty of dealing weed to young 'uns and are up in front of the judge .

' You have done enormous damage to the youth of this town but before I pass sentence I'm going to give you an opportunity to make amends . I'll give you a week to go out and persuade young people to give up the habit .

So a week goes by and the judge tell the first bloke to step forward and report. ' I converted 12 youngsters away from drugs ' , he says .
'Very good' ,goes the judge ,'how did you do that ?'
' Well I drew two circles ,one large and one small and told them , see that big circle ? thats how big your brain is before you take drugs and the small circle is your brain after .

' Very good' goes the judge and the other man steps forward . ' I converted 250 kids away from drugs ' he goes .
'Amazing' says the judge ,'How did you do that ?'

'Well , funnily enough I used circles as well ' he goes , ' I drew a small circle and a big circle and then I said to the kids see that small circle ? well that your arsehole before you get to prison......
 
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