The Orange Line-Up

[madunit]

Lulu was a hooker, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the
police raided a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police
took them outside and had all the hookers line up along the driveway when
suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother
that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just
lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some
for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
hookers. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it?

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck them dry."

 

[madunit]

While I'm trying to be funny;

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a shit!"

 

[Matt23]

Well ur doing better at it, then someone else, who shall remain nameless...

 

[madunit]

I got them from Preniers

 

[Twizzle]

I like the granny one, quite funny.

 

[madunit]

What do you call a prostitue with a runny nose?

Full.

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?


"You can keep the tip".

 

[sensesmaybenumbed]

Did you hear about the lepers card game?

One threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.

 

[afinalsin666]

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

 

[Different kind of Rabbit]

A teacher is teaching a class of 3rd graders English when she stands up and says to the class-

"I would like you to take it in turns to stand up, say a letter. Pick a word starting with that letter and then put that word into a sentence".

First boy stands up and says

"A"

"Apple"

"I bought some apples from the store"

Teacher says - "Nice work Peter. You may sit down"

Next a young girl stands up and says

"C"

"Car"

"Dad drove me to school in the car today".

Teacher says - "Perfect Wendy. You may sit down"

At this point, little Johny stands up and clears his throat.

"U"

"Urinate"

The teacher is a liitle concerned about where this is going but she allows him to continue...

Little Johny says to the teacher-

"My Dad says urinate but he'll rate you a 10 if you give him a blowjob"

 

[madunit]

The same teacher has the same class and asks the kids to say a word starting with the each letter of the alphabet that she reads out.

She starts with the letter A

Little Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher lets him answer
"Arsehole"

The teacher replies, "Now little Johnny, thats not a nice word. Lets move onto B"

Little Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher hesitantly asks him to answer

"Bastard"

The teacher says "Johnny thats another naughty word!"

Sensing that the letter C may lead to something very unpleasant from little Johnny, she skips it and moves onto D hesitantly.

Again Little Johnny's hand shoots up

"Okay Johnny, this is your last chance though, no naughty words"

Little Johnny thinks for a while and says "Dwarf"

The teach, relieved, says "Well done Johnny, and tell us, what is a dwarf?"

Little Johnny puts his hand out by his side and says "They're small merkins, about this high"

 

[Bazzi]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

 

[Non Terminator]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

[Non Terminator]

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

 

[Non Terminator]

My job is so f**king unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the f**king stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f**king dog to work.
Every f**king day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single f**king day.

Anyway, I drive these f**ktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

 

[muzby]

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

[muzby]

an old lady walks into a doctor's clinic.

"what seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

the old lady replies "well doctor, i have this terrible flatulence problem. i fart all the time. thankfully they are silent, and they don't smell, but it's awful uncomfortable"

the old lady leans forward and whispers "infact, i've farted 5 times since i've been in here with you"

the doctor strokes his chin and says "hmmm". he writes out a script, hands it to the old lady and tells her to come back in a week.


the following week the old lady storms into the doctor's office, quite visibly angry.

"i'm not happy with you, young man. i'm still farting just as much as before, except now they have started to stink to high heaven"

the doctor picks up his pad and starts writing another script, saying "excellent. those tablets fixed your sense of smell, let's work on your hearing now"

 

[muzby]

my first two were a bit lame, i'm sorry...



but this one's a cracker!

 

[afinalsin666]

:lol: puns are the best.

 

[muzby]