adamkungl stumbles onto the field after having a few too many KBs at half time
747 words under the stars
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A Binge Drinker’s Guide to the NRL 2010
Alcohol hasn’t seen much action in the back pages in 2010, barring the unfortunate fart lighting accident of New Year’s Eve. In light of its jarring absence, this writer has taken it upon himself to smash down a few beers and try to tell the future by reading the dregs. Tea leaves be damned.
Firstly, I would like to describe my patented Alco-Footy Scale to the sober readers out there. It should be quite simple to even the most un-inebriated of minds. A drink’s ability to get you happily trashed equates to the corresponding club’s position on the table. Makes perfect sense, right? Onwards then!
(Unfortunately there was not enough space under the word limit to include every club)
Broncos: XXXX Gold. Mid-strength, much like Brisbane’s playing roster. The Alco-Footy Scale points to a mid table finish just outside the 8. Alfie must have been drinking stronger stuff after the Warriors game.
Raiders: Midori. The Green Machine. Both strengths and weaknesses lie in its youth oriented approach. Good sometimes, but not enough to stand up with the top of competition in the gruelling slog of week to week binge drinking. Plus, your mates will probably bag you for drinking this, or for considering a move to Canberra.
Bulldogs: Rum. Usually a good night followed by a nasty aftertaste in the morning, possibly because some fans have trashed a CityRail train. The Alco-Footy Scale points to a high finish for the Canterbury boys, and liver damage for myself if they ever put 60 on my lot again.
Sharks: Hahn Premium Light. A complete waste of time. Why are you drinking this, and why are you watching the Sharks? Less entertaining than watching paint dry. The Alco-Footy Scale is suggesting the wooden spoon might finally be heading out Shire way.
Titans: XXXX. The full strength one. Should well and truly overtake Brisbane as QLD’s top team. The Alco-Footy Scale points towards a top four finish. New boy Greg Bird has resigned himself to drinking from plastic schooner cups to avoid any nasty allegations. Volunteers for roommates have been few and far between.
Storm: Victoria Bitter. Hated by many but hugely successful. The southerners will be found near the top yet again come September. Expect claims of VB tasting like donkey piss and the Storm being cheating scum to be echoed throughout the season. The Alco-Footy Scale is pointing towards the top yet again.
Cowboys: Scotch and Coke. I don’t like Coke. In my opinion, it’s a pretty rubbish drink. I do, however, like Scotch and Coke. Thurston is the Scotch. The rest of the Cowboys side is the Coke. If Thurston gets injured, Cowboys are looking at a bottom 4 finish.
Panthers: Cask Wine, aka ‘Goon’. Out West the drinking game of choice is Goon Of Fortune, played by spinning a Hills Hoist with a bag of cask wine pegged to it. Unfortunately, judging by some of their early performances, the players might have been joining the fans in their backyard revelries. No one can safely say which way the Hills Hoist will point for the Panthers this year, or whether I’m even making sense anymore.
Rabbitohs: Absinthe. A mate of mine once brought an $80 bottle of absinthe to a party. He talked himself up for a while before dropping and shattering the entire bottle on concrete. Everyone laughed. This isn’t entirely relevant to the drink itself, but it is how I expect the Bunnies season to go. Won’t live up to the pre-season hype.
Dragons: Tequila. Loved by many, hated by me. Much like a night of tequila shots seems to be going well until it inevitably ends badly, the Saints will finish up near the top before the unavoidable finals choke.
Roosters: Jagerbombs. Hugely entertaining but boy can they go wrong, as we saw against the Dogs. Lingering fear that Carney and Myles might break their self-imposed drinking ban, knock down far too many of these and go on a crotch-lighting, corridor pooing, car jumping rampage around the streets and hotels of Kings Cross.
Tigers: Tooheys Extra Dry Platinum. The highalcohol content in this beer provides some extra zing, much like a Benji miracle flick pass. However, fans have long suspected coach Sheens of indulging in a few too many of these when selecting the team. This might explain some of his more baffling selections in recent years. The Alco-Footy scale suggests a good finish for the Tigers.