Out in the wild, wild west, even Tiger will be taking a mark
Richard Hinds
November 14, 2009
AFL boss Andrew Demetriou climbed from the motorcycle upon which he had jumped over the Parramatta River, pulled Jarryd Hayne from a saddlebag and waved him to the crowd. Then, with a theatrical flourish, he seized the microphone from hosts Siegfried and Roy and made a bold declaration to a crowd estimated to contain several Western Whatevers fans.
''Let us be clear,'' said Demetriou, throwing $100 notes into the air. ''Our intention is to work hard to build a long-term relationship with the region. We have not become addicted to publicity …''
The word ''stunts'' had formed in Demetriou's mouth. But, before he could spit it out, he was hit by the flying stiletto of one of the 50 Playboy bunnies who had descended from the sky on pink parachutes, and was knocked out cold.
Rushing to save the day, Whatevers coach Kevin Sheedy leapt on to the podium and launched into one of his homespun yarns. The one about the great historic links between the AFL-starved tribes of the west and Australia's (other) native game. Unfortunately, the translator had not arrived and his southern dialect was incomprehensible.
''Anyone know what a Daniher is?'' asked one.
''Not sure,'' said another fan who had turned up thinking he had won a free toaster after responding to a ''Do you love the Whatevers?'' survey at the Campbelltown mall. ''Is it anything like a Jock McHale?''
Sensing the crowd was restless, the AFL's Sydney boss, Dale Holmes, reached into Demetriou's briefcase and pulled out another stack of hundreds.
''Hands up who loves the Whatevers,'' he said, tossing them around. ''Look, you're already taking high marks!''
Amid the clamour of blue-singleted loyalists squabbling over freshly minted notes, an AFL development manager sidled up to Demetriou, who was slowly emerging from his stiletto-induced daze.
''Umm, Andrew,'' he inquired tentatively. ''Wasn't the $100 million we earmarked for the new team up here supposed to be invested in more long-term infrastructure? Weren't we supposed to be about slowly building a 'story' of a new and emerging team that would gradually forge its own identity within the region?''
Demetriou, however, could not hear above the roar of the jet that had appeared majestically in the sky - followed shortly after by the clacking of four news network helicopters.
''The plane! The plane!'' yelled Holmes, performing a remarkably convincing impersonation of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
Making his way past the line of chorus girls, the acrobats, the fire breathers and the man on stilts who was juggling Karmichael Hunt and Hayne, Demetriou seized the microphone again.
''Loyal Whatevers supporters,'' he said, pointing to the Gulfstream jet. ''We, your friendly and non-threatening masters, ummm, I mean regional partners from the south, have been able to do what NSW Events could not. We have brought Tiger Woods to Sydney!''
''To play in the Australian Open?'' asked a voice from the crowd.
''No, to play on a half-forward flank!'' beamed Demetriou. ''We fully believe the half-forward line of Woods, Hayne and Kidman will not only be the most dynamic in the competition but, should they choose to participate in some promotional activities on the club's behalf despite their hectic training schedule, they might also create some interest in the media.''
The development man looked agitated. ''You didn't discuss any of this with me,'' he said. ''What about our pledge to grow and build slowly without taking any shortcuts?''
''Sorry,'' said Demetriou, dodging one of Siegfried and Roy's tigers as it jumped through a flaming hoop. ''Obviously, a recruiting coup like Woods was restricted to those with top-flight security clearance - leaked to those sections of the media who usually support the imposition of the death penalty for anyone west of Randwick caught playing Aussie rules.''
Above the noise of the 112-piece brass band, a reporter spoke up: ''Mr Demetriou, don't you think the locals will eventually start to tire of stunts?''
''Stunts? Nonsense!'' Demetriou said. ''A top-flight golfer - I mean, half-forward flanker - hitting a flaming Sherrin out of ANZ Stadium at half-time is an integral part of our great game.''
