Choose Your Own Adventure - The Adventures of Biff Manfist

Misanthrope · Feb 8, 2015

The unmistakeable roaring of Desouza, Demon Prince of Carnage and Lawyers interrupts you before you can reminisce over your time banging down on their luck women in Seluvian 'dodgy shops'.

"Just like old times, eh?" Galahalot says with a grim smile.

"You said it," you reply, "Can't be any worse than the time..."

Choice One

...we were cornered by the dragon with the thick English accent and the lust for currencies from far away lands.
...I lost a dice game to that Dorassin guy and had to impregnate his wife as payment.
...we accidentally resurrected Orcus and got the hell out of there.
...we awoke on an island surrounded by school children and weapons and told only two could leave.
...we were double-teaming a barmaid and her half-ogre husband came in.
...we had just sixteen minutes to get our end of financial year taxes filed or we'd be audited.
...we ate bad street food and inadvertently started a civil war.

"Ha!" he laughs, "Those were the days".

Gallahalot opens the door to your cell and tosses a sack of coins to the guard.

"A gift from your new employer," he tells you, "He seems eager to get to the bottom of this rabbit wrangling".

You rush out into the street, careening into...

Choice Two

...an inconveniently placed cactus stand.
...horses readily saddled and eager to ride into battle.
...Lord Walter Whittlesworth, huffing and puffing and eager to know why you aren't out solving the mystery.
...a chicken. This immediately upsets the entire population of the town.
...local orphans out begging for money for their upcoming charity bake sale.
...a fairy circle.
...thousands and thousands of thumb tacks.
...Lilith, Demon Princess of Jilted Lovers.
...an RKO out of nowhere.

Striding up the centre of the street, handing out injunctions and summons for punitive damages as if they were going out of style, is Desouza. Seeing you, he bellows his rage and begins to advance.

Scott Gourley's Lovechild · Feb 8, 2015

...we were cornered by the dragon with the thick English accent and the lust for currencies from far away lands.
...an RKO out of nowhere.

afinalsin666 · Feb 8, 2015

School children and an RKO.

MKEB... · Feb 9, 2015

...we had just sixteen minutes to get our end of financial year taxes filed or we'd be audited.

...a fairy circle.

soc123_au · Feb 9, 2015

MKEB... said:
...we had just sixteen minutes to get our end of financial year taxes filed or we'd be audited.

...a fairy circle.

^^^^

Misanthrope · Feb 9, 2015

We're gonna need a tie breaker here, folks.

Or I could have it be both!

Misanthrope · Feb 14, 2015

"You said it," you reply with a grim smile, "It's just like that time we had sixteen minutes to get our taxes in or we'd get audited".

"Do you think that's why he's here?" Gallahalot asks, gesturing to the furious demon lawyer.

"Only one way to find out," you grin.

That grin turns to a sudden gasp of surprise as you burst out of the prison and right into

RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!

Sir Randall of House Orton strikes with the speed and precision of a viper, and his assault is worsened by your tumble into a nearby fairy circle.

Your last thoughts before blacking out are of...

Choice One

...your late wife, Dani Alba.
...the breasts of some woman you rutted roughly into a few nights ago.
...Sir Scraps, your precious puppy.
...all of the ale you drank last night.
...Sir Robert of House Orton and the blood feud your family has with his.
...wind resistance.

-----

When you come to, the sky above is coloured with the purples and pinks of twilight. The stars above are unfamiliar and the air smells sweet.

You are in the Realm of the Seelie, where fairies, pixies, and other woodland creatures hold sway.

Rustling in the bushes warn you just as something bursts out of them. It is...

Choice Two

...the beautiful, butterfly winged Lady Titania, fair queen of the woodland realm.
...Sir Walter Whittlesworth riding a sled pulled by rabbits.
...a horde of jabbering, giggling gremlins and other mean spirited fey.
...a man with the head of a donkey.
...a trio of men who are more steam and cogs than flesh.
...a startled deer.
...a pair of hound sized spiders with fangs that glisten with venom.
...A Werepony.

Scott Gourley's Lovechild · Feb 14, 2015

...Sir Robert of House Orton and the blood feud your family has with his.

...Sir Walter Whittlesworth riding a sled pulled by rabbits.

soc123_au · Feb 14, 2015

Dani Alba & The Rabbit Sled.

afinalsin666 · Feb 14, 2015

Orton and the rabbit sled.

Misanthrope · Feb 15, 2015

As you drift off into whatever faerie realm you've blundered into, you recall the bloodfeud that House Manfist has with House Orton.

So many years ago now, your two houses shattered their generations long alliance because of...

Choice One

...unfair trade tarrifs and a bunch of complicated tort law.
...a forbidden love between your grandmother, Dorothy Manfist and Lord Randall's grandmother, Cybil Orton.
...grave-robbing and the unfortunate predilictions of your grandfather, Dick Manfist.
...a particularly high stakes game of Goon of Fortune.
...the death of the prized Manfist pig under suspicious circumstances.
...the boiling of your father in his own armour.
...tainted meat.

As you come to, you are confronted by the otherworldly and perpetual twilight of the Seelie realm.

"H'yah!" cries Walter Whittlesworth as he and his rabbit drawn sled burst into the clearning. Wild eyed and drenched with sweat, your employee gestures for you and Gallahalot to board his sled.

"Quickly!" he cries, "They're coming!"

"Who?" you ask.

"The..."

Choice Two

...Wild Hunt! Lord Oberon has deemed that this year they will hunt the most dangerous game!
...Germans! A Reich from a previously unknown dimension has arrived.
...Land Sharks.
...Boat People. Half-man, half-boat, and all anger.
...House Orton raiding party.
...rape bandits and their flying sex snakes.
...Worshippers of the dark God, Covellus.
...twelve foot tall Amazons.
...peasantry! They're furious!

Scott Gourley's Lovechild · Feb 15, 2015

...unfair trade tarrifs and a bunch of complicated tort law.

...Germans! A Reich from a previously unknown dimension has arrived.

afinalsin666 · Feb 16, 2015

Grave robbing and boat people.

Scott Gourley's Lovechild · Mar 9, 2015

What happened to Buff? Cmon Mis, procrastinate on that study!

Misanthrope · Mar 25, 2015

Your somewhat embarrassed recollections of your grandfather, Dick Manfist's unhealthy love with House Orton's dearly departed matriarch are interrupted by Walter Whittlesworth's arrival.

"Quickly!" he cries, "They're coming!"

"Who?" you ask.

"The boat people!"

"Boat people?" you ask dubiously, "What are boat people?"

Before he can answer, the undergrowth gives way as a tide of flesh fused with wood bursts into the clearing. With torsos like carved figureheads and boats where there legs should be, the hideous creatures drag themselves towards you, carving deep ruts in the earth.

With dead eyes and open mouths, they cry...

Choice One
...BRAINS! BRAINS!
...We merely seek refuge from country's in which we are no longer safe!
...THAR SHE BLOWS!
...Land ahoy!
...It's party time!
...Shotgun anus!

Before you can even register what has been said, a third party bursts into the clearing and moves to put themselves between you and the boat people. It's...

Choice Two
...Gallahalot.
...Your side-kick/bastard son, Murphy.
...Bees.
...The unstoppable tide of Islam.
...A big eared, lanky older gentleman in Speedos.
...Lord Oberon and his wife, Titania.
...Sir Randall of House Orton.
...Your grandfather, Dick Manfist.
...A man with a foot for a head and two faces for feet.

Scott Gourley's Lovechild · Mar 25, 2015

...Shotgun anus!

...Your grandfather, Dick Manfist.

soc123_au · Mar 25, 2015

Shotgun anus

Tony Abbott

Hoggmaster · Mar 25, 2015

...We merely seek refuge from country's in which we are no longer safe!

...The unstoppable tide of Islam.

Misanthrope · Mar 25, 2015

Need a tie-breaker on the second option.

Hoggmaster · Mar 26, 2015

Ok then change to Tony Abbott

Choose Your Own Adventure - The Adventures of Biff Manfist

Moderator

Referee

First Grade

Moderator

Moderator

Moderator

Moderator

Referee

Moderator

First Grade

Moderator

Referee

First Grade

Referee

Moderator

Referee

Moderator

Juniors

Moderator

Juniors