Darwin Awards

[Hellsy]

In essence of Suity's summer jokes thread to keep us occupied this summer, how about this one "The Darwin Awards".

For those that don't know The Darwin Awards are the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Here is the front runner for this year's awards so far:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately three miles from the crash site.

This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The car then become airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and hit the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground-speed of approximately 420 mph.

 

[Hellsy]

In the United States a mid-30s bloke was lucky enough to survive a fall from a roof. He broke his pelvis and both legs, but survived reasonably intact.

To celebrate his luck, the wheelchair-bound duffer went out on the turps with his brother-in-law and proceeded to get absolutely plastered (excuse the pun).

Now, the guys didn't have a wheelchair-friendly ute and so decided to use duct tape to secure the injured duffer to the bed of the vehicle. All was going well until the driver took a corner too fast and the injured chappie flew through the air with the greatest of ease and he rebroke both legs.

 

[Hellsy]

Will the real dummy please stand up?

AT&T fired its President, John Walter, after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $US26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

With a little help from our friends . . .

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting Please come out and give yourself up.

What was Plan B???

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

The Getaway

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

[Hellsy]

Did I say that ???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or I'll shoot. The man shouted, that's not what I said.

Are we communicating ??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Is this her first child? the doctor asked. No the man shouted, This is her husband.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (helllllllooooooooo)

Boating mishap

This is a true story. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE) . Under the boat,still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

[Twizzle]

These things could only happen in America

 

[The Godfather]

The Darwin Award a few years back that I remember is a couple of guys decided to play Russian Roulette...


With a semi-automatic pistol.

 

[Hurriflatch]

Yeah, I've actually got the 1st 3 Darwin award books lying around somewhere.

The one about the crook who worked the shop is very old and repeted often.

The one with the guy who tried to use his hand as a fake gun made me laugh tho.

and that main one has gotta be Bubba from some backwater hole, surpised he didn't hitch his caravan to the back aswell.

 

[BD5733]

My fav of these isn't a darwin award, but only rated as an 'honourable mention'

Two guys were out archery shooting and when one of the guys sprayed his arrow way over the target and into the woods behind, the other guy went looking for it. After a while looking, he still couldn't find it so yelled out to his mate "Shoot another arrow and try to give it the same power and aim at the same spot you did last time." His theory was that this next arrow logically will land in a similar spot to the last one.

Only one guess where this next arrow landed.............right through the arm of the guy who went looking for the other arrow.

 

[MarkInTheStands]

Actually Helen, the first one with the Solid Rocket Boosters is my favourite; I just put myself in his place, and think of what he must have been going through.

First the Car is propelled towards the horizon "Whoooohoooooo"

2nd the car is going a little to fast, so apply the brakes "Hummm"

3rd Brakes fail; tyres explore car raises into the air "Arhhhhhhhhh"

4th the Car closes in on the Cliff Face "OHHHHHHH SHIIIIII BANG"

Gives me a giggle ever time.

By My Favourite Honourable Mention is going to make most men grab their crotch.

2 Guys are having a few drinks on a hot day while playing golf. Now as you know a few ales on a hot day leads to maximum intoxication and that is about where these guys were at, when one of the Gents dropped his pants and "mounted" a golf ball cleaner. His Mate, thinking he would go along with the gag, cranked the handle of said cleaner. This inturn ripped one of the first mans testicles off, and grabbed the other one within the system, at this time the said gentleman passed out from pain and fell off the golf ball cleaner, with his testicle still wedged in the device.

This is a Honourable mention in that he removed himself from the gene pool without killing himself.

 

[BD5733]

That one actually won the Darwin Award.....

Most Darwin Awards go to people who kill themselves, so basically the concept of these awards are for people who contribute to the improvement of the human race by removing themselves from it, never having the opportunity to create any more 'idiots'. So the fact that this last golfer guy ripped his balls off, he can no longer reproduce and thus was eligible for a Darwin Award!

 

[Rednecked Yobbo]

I always get a giggle at the guy who robbed a bank with his motorcycle helmet on, which also had his name on it. Or the one in Germany where this guy tried to rob a bank with a condom over his head, but couldn't see, let alone the stoner who walked into a cop shop, complained that someone ripped off half his dope crop, then proceeded to drag that city's finest out to his crop for an investigation.

 

[Hellsy]

These are great!!!!
I love stupidity!!!

 

[Hellsy]

Not an actual Darwin Award...funny nonetheless

Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

 

[JessEel]

my favourite darwin award was the golf one, and the chick in france who crashed her car and died because she was trying to feed her tamagotchi who was desperatley beeping for life. in saving her little computer rat, she off'ed herself!!

8)

 

[Hellsy]

A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

 

[Hellsy]

Phil needed to make repairs to the underside of his car. But when he jacked it up, there wasn't enough room for him to work. So he removed the car's battery, placed the jack on top of it, and set to work again, this time with plenty of elbow-room.
Unfortunately for Phil, car batteries are not designed to carry much weight. The battery collapsed and the jack toppled, trapping him beneath the car. Unable to breathe due to the weight on his chest, he quickly expired in a pool of battery acid.

This incident is illuminated by two additional facts: First, Phil's occupation was Accident Prevention Officer at a large food processing plant. And second, ten years previous, he had been working under a car when the jack collapsed, trapping him and breaking one of his legs. Some people just don't learn -- even from their own mistakes.

 

[R Friday]

Was sent this in work. the last one has to be the dumbest ever

And the nominees this year in reverse order are.....

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
Home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'
2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing g a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his
rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own

aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around
one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was
found
nearby.


"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
And a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
The smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas

company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found
they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none
of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright'
by his peers.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD
BE....


(ouch....ouch......ouch!!!!!!)

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf

course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in
the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately
passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than
a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,

and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall,
and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the
washer,
while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of
the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased
from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was
rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome
were asked to leave the course.

NOTE:
This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.

But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.

 

[Hellsy]

A bicyclist crossing an airport runway in Sorocaba, a city 87 kilometers from Sao Paulo, was killed when he was hit by a landing airplane. Marcelo, 25, could not hear the twin-engine plane because he was listening to his Walkman on headphones, investigators said. The propellor and right wing of the plane were damaged.

 

[Hellsy]

He just wanted some privacy. Daniel Jones suffocated when a sandy 8-foot hole caved in as he relaxed inside it on a beach chair. Observers on the Outer Banks beach in Buxton, NC said he might have dug the hole for privacy and for protection from the wind.
Beach-goers used their hands and plastic toy shovels in
an unsuccessful attempt to claw their way to Jones. "You wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.
Rescue workers with heavy equipment took nearly hour to free him from 5 feet of sand, while 200 people looked on. The 21-year-old resident of Woodbridge, VA was pronounced dead on Thursday.

 

[Hellsy]

Regarding accidental deaths during the construction of a subway in New Delhi, the New York Times wrote, "One of those killed was an unlucky thief who tried to steal braces holding up a concrete slab; it fell and killed him."