Favourite Movie Quotes

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

The Princess Bride (1987)

Inigo Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Westley: Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean *this* gate key.

Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in Black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in Black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.

Inigo Montoya: Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

Miracle Max: Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
Miracle Max: [sees Fezzik] You ARE the Brute Squad!

[On arriving at the Fire Swamp]
Westley: It's not that bad.
[Buttercup looks at him incredulously]
Westley: Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.

Miracle Max: You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Miracle Max: [Lifts and drops the arm of the dead Westley] I've seen worse.


Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.
Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.
Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo Montoya: What's that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

while he didn't direct it, this is IMO Tarantinos best script

True Romance (1993)

Drexl Spivey: No thanks? What does that mean? Means you ate before you came down here? All full. Is that it? Naw, I don't think so. I think you're too scared to be eatin'. Now, see we're sittin' down here, ready to negotiate, and you've already given up your shit. I'm still a mystery to you. But I know exactly where your white ass is comin' from. See, if I asked you if you wanted some dinner and you grabbed an egg roll and started to chow down, I'd say to myself, "This motherf**ker's carryin' on like he ain't got a care in the world. Who know? Maybe he don't. Maybe this fool's such a bad motherf**ker, he don't got to worry about nothin', he just sit down, eat my Chinese, watch my TV." See? You ain't even sat down yet. On that TV there, since you been in the room, is a woman with her breasteses hangin' out, and you ain't even bothered to look. You just been clockin' me. Now, I know I'm pretty, but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties.
Clarence Worley: I'm not eatin' 'cause I'm not hungry. I'm not sittin' 'cause I'm not stayin'. I'm not lookin' at the movie 'cause I saw it seven years ago. It's "The Mack" with Max Julien, Carol Speed, and Richard Pryor. I'm not scared of you. I just don't like you. In that envelope is some payoff money. Alabama's moving on to some greener pastures. We're not negotiatin'. I don't like to barter. I don't like to dicker. I never have fun in Tijuana. That price is non-negotiable. What's in that envelope is for my peace of mind. My peace of mind is worth that much. Not one penny more, not one penny more.

Alabama: Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you're so cool, you're so cool, you're so cool. And sometimes Clarence asks me what I would have done if he had died, if that bullet had been two inches more to the left. To this, I always smile, as if I'm not going to satisfy him with a response. But I always do. I tell him of how I would want to die, but that the anguish and the want of death would fade like the stars at dawn, and that things would be much as they are now. Perhaps. Except maybe I wouldn't have named our son Elvis.

Vincenzo Coccotti: Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I'm Sicilian. My father was the world heavy-weight champion of Sicilian liars. From growing up with him I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away. A guys got seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen... but, if you know them, like you know your own face, they beat lie detectors all to hell. Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothin', but you're tellin me everything. I know you know where they are, so tell me before I do some damage you won't walk away from.

Clarence Worley: [to Alabama, who's apprehensive about his gun] If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

Drexl Spivey: He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?
Marty: No man, It ain't white boy day.

Alabama: ...and all I could think was-you're so cool!

Big Don: I eat the pussy, I eat the butt, I eat every motherf*ckin' thang

Coccotti: You know who I am, Mr. Worley?
Clifford Worley: I give up. Who are you?
Coccotti: I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you. My name is Vincent Coccotti. I work as counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, the man your son stole from. I hear you were once a cop so I can assume you've heard of us before. Am I correct?
Clifford Worley: I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.
Coccotti: I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the "how full of shit am I?" question you've been asking yourself.

Elliot: Hi. How are you? My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're... we're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

Clarence Worley: I mean look at her. It looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Drexl Spivey: They got everything here from a diddled-eyed Joe to damned if I know.

Clarence Worley: I always said, if I had to f*ck a guy... I mean had to, if my life depended on it... I'd f*ck Elvis.

Alabama: Okay dokey, doggie daddy.

Alabama: Did I do my part okay?
Clarence Worley: Bamaloo you were perfect.
Alabama: Like a ninja?
Clarence Worley: Like a ninja.

Clifford Worley: [after Alabama kisses him] Son of a bitch was right. She tastes like a peach.

Clarence Worley: [Peeling out in reverse into oncoming traffic] We now return to Bullit already in progress.

Coccotti: Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothing but you're telling me everything.

Mentor: I gotta hand it to you Clarence.
Clarence Worley: I was cool?
Mentor: Naw man you were cooler than cool.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

After Hours (1985)



[Paul has no money for a subway token]
Paul Hackett: Couldn't you just give me one token, please?
Subway Attendant: I can't do that. I may lose my job.
[Paul looks around and sees no one else in the station]
Paul Hackett: Well, who would know... exactly?
Subway Attendant: I could go to a party, get drunk, talk to someone... who knows?

Marcy: My husband was a movie freak. Actually, he was particularly obsessed with one movie, "The Wizard of Oz." He talked about it constantly. I thought it was cute at first. On our wedding night, I was a virgin. When we made love - you've seen the movie, haven't you?
Paul Hackett: "The Wizard of Oz"? Yeah, I've seen it.
Marcy: Well, when we made love, whenever he - you know, when he came, he would just - scream out, "Surrender Dorothy!" That's all! Just "Surrender Dorothy!"
Paul Hackett: Wow.
Marcy: I know. Instead of moaning or saying, "Oh, God" or something normal like that. I mean, it was pretty creepy! And I told him I thought so, but he just, he just couldn't stop, he just, he just couldn't stop, he just... couldn't stop.

Pepe: The art sure is ugly, man.
Neil: That's how much you know, man. You know, the uglier the art, the more it's worth.
Pepe: This must be worth a fortune, man.
Pepe: That's right. It's by that famous guy Segal.
Neil: Yeah?
Neil: Yeah, you see him, he's on the Carson show, man. Plays the banjo all the time.
Pepe: I never watch Carson.
Neil: Yeah? Well, that's how much you know about art.

Paul Hackett: [on his knees, screaming to the heavens] What do you want from me? What have I done? I'm just a word processor, for Christ sake!

Paul Hackett: Could we have the check?
Coffee Shop Cashier: It's on the house.
Paul Hackett: Really?
Coffee Shop Cashier: Sure. What the hell. Different rules apply when it get's this late. You know what I mean? It's like after hours.

Paul Hackett: You have a great body.
Kiki: Yes. Not a lot of scars.

Neil: What do you know man? A stereo's a stereo. Art is forever!

[Paul is trying to get into a nightclub]
Club Berlin Bouncer: Got any money?
Paul Hackett: Yes I got money. Is that what this is all about, you want money? Why didn't you ask for that in the first place man. Here, it's all I got.
[gives the Bouncer a quarter]
Club Berlin Bouncer: I'll take your money 'cos I don't want you to feel you left anything untried. Now, you keep the quarter.
[gives Paul his quarter back]
Club Berlin Bouncer: ...but you still have to wait a few minutes.

Pepe: Hey, let's knock off for today. Okay? My back's killin' me.
Neil: Oh, come on, let's go find my statue, man. It's got to be around here someplace. That makes me sick. You know, that statue is the first thing in my life that I ever bought! See what happens when you pay for stuff! Somebody rips it off.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Up In Smoke (1978)

Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?
Pedro de Pacas: A week. I mean a day.
Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?
Pedro de Pacas: A weekday.

Anthony Stoner: [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?
Clyde - Narc: Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...
Sgt. Stedenko: Use the codename! The codename!
Clyde - Narc: Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. The is Codename Hardhead.
Sgt. Stedenko: Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.
Anthony Stoner: Was that Lardass?
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?
Anthony Stoner: Hey, I got somethin' for ya, Lardass!
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?
Pedro de Pacas: Lardass, Lardass!
Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?
Pedro de Pacas: Naw, who is this is?
Sgt. Stedenko: This is Sergeant Stedenko!
Pedro de Pacas: Oh yeah, you know who this is?
Sgt. Stedenko: No!
Pedro de Pacas: Bye-bye, Lardass

Anthony Stoner: You wanna get high man?
Pedro de Pacas: Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls man?

Anthony Stoner: Man, what is in this shit, man?
Anthony Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.
Pedro de Pacas: What's Labrador?
Anthony Stoner: It's dog shit.
Pedro de Pacas: What?
Anthony Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
Pedro de Pacas: Yeah?
Anthony Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherf*cker ate it, man.
Anthony Stoner: Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man,
Anthony Stoner: before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?
Pedro de Pacas: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?
Anthony Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?
Pedro de Pacas: [Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays...]
Anthony Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?
Pedro de Pacas: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Anthony Stoner: You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!
Pedro de Pacas: Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.
Anthony Stoner: Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...

Arnold Stoner: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! You get a goddamn job before sundown...
Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [pointing to Anthony as he walks away] Is that some kind of peace sign?
Arnold Stoner: ...or we're shipping you off to military school with that... goddamn Finkelstein... shit kid!
[turns away in frustration]
Arnold Stoner: Son of a BITCH!

Unknown: Sgt. Stedenko what are you exactly looking for?
Sgt. Stedenko: Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all arounders. You name it we want it!

Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.

Pedro de Pacas: I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?
Anthony Stoner: "Tied stick"?
Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.
Anthony Stoner: Ohh, THAI stick.

Curtis: Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy. It's what set them Arabs off.
Pedro de Pacas: Arabs from Turkey?
Curtis: Yeah, man! Yeah! It was from Turkey. Hey, man, this stuff is so bad, it'll put a hump in a camel's back.
Pedro de Pacas: No shit?
Curtis: I wouldn't shit you, baby. I mean, this is some bad weed.
Pedro de Pacas: You got it on you?
Curtis: I got it on me, man. You got to check it out. It'll boogie-woogie on your brain.
Pedro de Pacas: Alright.
Curtis: Just cause we tight, I'm gonna let you have it for a double-dime.

Pedro de Pacas: Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.
Anthony Stoner: What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?
Pedro de Pacas: My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.

Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir, what's your name?
Pedro de Pacas: Whut? I told you my name, man!
Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?
Pedro de Pacas: [to Man] Hey man! The dude wants to know your name, man!
[Man vomits onto the floor of the car]
Pedro de Pacas: Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Sgt. Stedenko: Some asshole pissed on my leg!

Anthony Stoner: Who lives here, man?
Pedro de Pacas: That's my cousin Strawberry, man. He's probably got some dope, man. He's always got the best smoke.
Anthony Stoner: Oh, I hope so, man.
Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, well, he's cool. His only thing is, he's a little weird. You know, like, he went over to Vietnam, man, and he came back all weirded out, you know.
Anthony Stoner: Yeah, well, that 'Nam grass will do it to you, man.

Pedro de Pacas: I can't believe we can't find no grass nowhere, man.
Anthony Stoner: That's 'cause too many people are smoking it now. And it really makes it tough on the rest of us.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Harold and Maude (1971)

Maude: You know, at one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. But I decided that was an idea way before its time. Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing... oh my, how the world still *dearly* loves a *cage.*

Harold: You sure have a way with people.
Maude: Well, they're my species!

Maude: Harold, *everyone* has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much.

Maude: The earth is my body; my head is in the stars.
[pauses]
Maude: Who said that, Harold?
Harold: I don't know.
Maude: Well, I suppose I did, then.

Psychiatrist: A very common neurosis; particularly in this society, whereby the male child subconsciously wishes to sleep with his mother. Of course what puzzles me, Harold; is that you want to sleep with your grandmother.

Maude: [to a motorcycle officer] *Don't* get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of a government job.

Maude: Vice, Virtue. It's best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much *life.* Aim above morality. If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live life fully.

Harold: I haven't lived. I've died a few times.

Maude: Consistency is not *really* a human trait.

Harold: [non-sequitur to hawkish uncle] During war time, the national suicide rate goes down.

Maude: Vice, virtue, it's best not to be too moral; you cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality. When you apply that to life, then you're bound to live it fully!

Uncle Victor: [attempting to interest Harold in military service] Now, why in hell did we give up on the Germans? Since the damn politicians chalked them up on our side, the wars ever since have been a national disgrace. Hell, look at history - the two best wars we ever fought were against the Jerries. I say get the Krauts on the other side where they belong. Let's have an enemy worth killing and a war this country can support.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Phantasm 2 (1988)

The Tall Man: You think that when you die, you go to Him. You come to us!

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Born In East L.A. (1987)

Rudy: Hey Man, waaas sappening?

Rudy: What are you guys in for?
Thug #1: The good times.

Marcie: When will my black Pugeot be ready!
Rudy: Black Pugeot? I knew you wasn't a natural redhead!

Immigration officer: What do we got here? Looks like a bean in a beanbag.

Immigration officer: I don't know where you learned to speak English so good, Rudy Roo or Loopty Loo, or whatever your name is!

Immigration officer: Where were you born?
Rudy: What?
Immigration officer: Read my lips, El Paco. Where were you born?
Rudy: I was born in East L.A., man.
Immigration officer: Sure, sure. If you were born in East L.A., then who's the president of the United States?
Rudy: I-I don't know, that guy, that guy who was on T.V., the guy in the cowboy hat... he used to be on "Death Valley Days"... uh,John Wayne

Jimmy: Now these other ones here, these are OTMs. Other than Mexicans. They're Chinese Indians.

Altar Boy: Hey man! You want any used lottery tickets? Lotteria? Hey man I like you, you can have em. Nah man, they went to Fresno! Fresno!

Rudy: Hey Miester! I like your sister.

Jimmy: That quarter's coming out of your tab and the tacos are 2.50. They're usally 3, but I like you.

Rudy: If you want to be cool, first you pull your headband into the cool position. then you just lean back, put this hand in your pocket and then you wave this hand behind you like you just cut one and your trying to shoo away the stinch.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

The Warriors (1979)

Ajax: I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle.

Swan: Why'd you do it? Why'd you waste Cyrus?
Luther: No reason. I just... like doing things like that!

Cyrus: [yelling] Can you count, suckers? I say, the future is ours... if you can count!
Cyrus: Now, look what we have here before us. We got the Saracens sitting next to the Jones Street Boys. We've got the Moonrunners right by the Van Cortlandt Rangers. Nobody is wasting nobody. That... is a miracle. And miracles is the way things ought to be.
Cyrus: You're standing right now with nine delegates from 100 gangs. And there's over a hundred more. That's 20,000 hardcore members. Forty-thousand, counting affiliates, and twenty-thousand more, not organized, but ready to fight: 60,000 soldiers! Now, there ain't but 20,000 police in the whole town. Can you dig it?

Mercy: See that dude? Over there! He's after you, and he's got some guys with him.
Swan: I know they're on my ass,
Swan: but now they know I know it.

Swan: You recognize them?
Fox: Orphans. So far down they're not even on the map. Real low class.
Swan: Numbers?
Fox: Full strength: maybe 30?
Vermin: Thirty. A lot more than eight.
Ajax: Not if they're wimps!... and I'm sick of this running crap.

Cowboy: [winded, running from the Baseball Furies] I can't make it.
Ajax: Are you sure?
Cowboy: Yes, I'm sure...
Ajax: Well, good! I'm sick of runnin' from these wimps!

Cowboy: You never know what you're gonna run into out there. If we're wearing our colors, we can't hide.
Vermin: Who wants to hide?

Swan: This is what we fought all night to get back to?

Swan: You still looking for us?
Masai: [looks at Luther] We've found what we're looking for.
Luther: [cowering] No. No... It wasn't us. It was them. It was the Warriors.
Masai: You Warriors are good. Real Good.
Swan: The best.
Masai: The rest is ours.

Ajax: Maybe you're all just goin' twig.

Rembrandt: [realizing that the Lizzies have lured them into a trap] Shit! The chicks are packed! The chicks are packed!

Fox: [to Mercy] We're not going to hide who we are just because some whore shakes her ass.
Mercy: Don't call me no whore. I ain't no whore!

Gramercy Riff: We got a report from the Bronx. Some small time clique ran into them... The Orphans.
Masai: They're not in our network!
Gramercy Riff: They rumble anyway. They got wasted.

Mercy: Yeah, that's right, Warriors. Just keep walkin'. Real tough muthas, ain't ya? You guys don't show me much. Why don't you dickheads just walk all the way back home, huh?

Cochese: We're going in there with nothing?
Snow: We're going like everybody else: nine guys, no weapons.

Swan: Did you see him get busted?
Cochise: I seen him, then he wasn't there no more... I was hauling ass!
Swan: Why don't you look around and make sure we're okay.
Rembrandt: This is a graveyard!

Orphan Leader: [brandishing a razor and shouting] You see what you get, Warriors? You see what you get when you mess with the Orphans?

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)

Larry Rayder: [after Mary bit him and he lost control of the car] So help me, if you try another stunt like that again, I'm gonna braid your tits.
Deke Sommers: When you people are through impressing each other, I'd like to get out and take a look at the car.

Larry Rayder: I think I'm gonna screw Miss Mary. Do you mind, Deke?
Mary Coombs: *I* mind!
Larry Rayder: You didn't seem to mind last night. In fact, you were begging for more.
Mary Coombs: Oh, yeah? Well, that shows you how little I was getting.

Everett Franklin: [in helicopter pursuing Dodge Charger] I want 'em stopped.
Helicopter Pilot: Stopped, how?
Everett Franklin: I don't know how, I wouldn't be asking you if I knew how to fly this thing, would I? Now you listen to me, flyboy: I want 'em stopped, I don't give a good god damn if you gotta crash right into him. You hear me? 'Cause if you don't, you're gonna start screaming mayday, 'cause I'm gonna give it a try!

Hanks: Keep going, partner, 'cause my top end is unlimited!

Larry Rayder: You know what a man would do right now if he were smart?
Deke Sommers: What?
Larry Rayder: I don't know, I thought you'd know.

Mary Coombs: [in car speeding towards opening drawbridge] Hey, wait a minute... why aren't we slowing down?
Larry Rayder: [laughs] She doesn't know me very well, does she, Deke?
Deke Sommers: Not likely she ever will, with about one second to live.

Larry Rayder: Yeah, yeah. So we got off to a bad start. Well ya' know what it means when somebody like me gets off to a bad start? Not a God damn thing.

Larry Rayder: [after discovering Mary outfoxed him by swiping the map] Every bone in her crotch! That's what I'm gonna break.

Mary Coombs: Oh, I am, am I? Do you know what you are? A case of eye and hand co-ordination, and you're really not very good at that!

Everett Franklin: This ain't no dirt track, roundy-rounder.

Hanks: We're gonna do a little dirt trackin', huh, hot rod? It's gonna take more than that to dust me off 'cause this is where I came from!

Mary Coombs: Hey listen, do you always meet someone for the first time and take an instant disliking to them?
Deke Sommers: Mary, stop trying to get me make joyful noises.

Larry Rayder: [being chased by a police car] What does he have under that hood?
Deke Sommers: The driver's no slouch either.

Mary Coombs: People don't even rate a glance with you!
Larry Rayder: God, woman, when you're racing, you don't stop and get out of the car and turn around to find out if the other guy made it through his spin all right! Not if you wanna keep on drivin'!

Larry Rayder: When are you gonna use your seat belt?
Mary Coombs: There's nothing you could do that would give me any reason to.

Larry Rayder: [re engine tuning] Hey, punky! That's the best time this turkey's ever done. What the hell did you do to it?
Deke Sommers: Just hit it with a bigger hammer, that's all.

Mary Coombs: [to Deke] You think I lie. I *do* lie a little. That's another lie. I lie a lot!

Larry Rayder: Hey, Deke! Ask Dingleberry there if she's going to spend the rest of the trip in the back seat!

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

UHF (1989)

Stanley Spadowski: [grinning as he spoofs "Network"] This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes, you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff... you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it's not good enough, it's not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

[On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper...
[Hiro-san emerges, carrying a table with a box]
Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be?
[Phyllis Weaver has difficulty in choosing as the audience point to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box!
[the audience applauds]
Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box!
[Hiro-san opens the box; the audience gasps. There is a silence]
Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!

George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go?
[indifferent silence]
George Newman: That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasel: I wanna go home!
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel!
[beat]
George Newman: Okay. Right now, I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! Hope you'll ENJOY it!

Earl Ramsey: [to Pamela] Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people. I do.

Raul Hernandez: Hey, man! This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment! How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello!' Ha! Isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away... also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this.
[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]
Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...
[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]
Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.
George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?
Bob Steckler: Me? I thought you hired him.
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
[claps his hands]
Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!
[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]
Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!
[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]
Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!

[In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial]
Sy Greenblum: [listless tone] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to "Secrets of the Universe". Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right! I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy.

Animal Deliveryman: Raul Hernandez?
Raul Hernandez: Yeah.
Animal Deliveryman: Got the delivery here for your next show.
Raul Hernandez: Oh great. What you got?
Animal Deliveryman: Let's see, I got one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers...
Raul Hernandez: [spoofing "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"] Badgers?... Badgers?... I don't NEED no stinking Badgers!

George Newman: How's this for our new Friday night line-up? Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade", then "The Volcano Worshipper's Hour", followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teams", and... "Fun with Dirt"!
Bob Steckler: Why not?

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Action Jackson (1988)

Officer Kornblau: It was a regular f*ck-o-rama at my place last night.
Officer Lack: Can the shit, Kornblau. There ain't been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They oughta call your place the House of Whacks.

Capt. Earl Armbruster: Just because Dellaplane had a few family problems...
Action Jackson: The man's son is a sexual psychopath! If I had family problems like that, I'd have myself neutered.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: You almost tore that boy's arm off!
Action Jackson: So? He had a spare.

Officer Kornblau: So what's your name?
Albert: A-Albert. A-Albert Smith.
Officer Lack: Albert, your mother and father weren't by any chance brother and sister, were they?
Albert: Hey man, what's gon' happen to me?
Officer Kornblau: Oh, nothing. Uh, wel-nothing much, uh... you might have to endure a little session with, uh, Action Jackson.
Albert: Wh-who's Axon...?
Officer Lack: *Action*, Albert. *Action Jackson*.
Officer Kornblau: Yeah, some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.
Officer Lack: Mm-hmm.
Officer Kornblau: Others say his mother was molested by Bigfoot and, uh, Jackson is their mutant offspring.
Officer Lack: They bring in Jackson when they want to re-educate some young ne'er-do-well such as yourself, Albert.
Officer Kornblau: Yeah, I remember one kid got re-educated so bad, his testicles climbed back up into his belly. Wouldn't come out.
Officer Lack: They called it a medical miracle.
Officer Kornblau: Yeah. Another kid, handcuffed to a chair; gnawed his own hand off like a trapped skunk, or wolverine, or somethin'.

Officer Lack: Have you ever had your head forcibly rammed up your ass?
Officer Kornblau: uh, no
Officer Lack: Well mark your calendar...that day's coming!

Detective Kotterwell: Hey! You're Kid Sable, aren't you?
Kid Sable: You better believe it, brother!

Action Jackson: Sydney, I'd like you to meet an old friend. In this century, Paradise Valley has produced two great fighters. Joe Louis and Kid Sable.
Sydney Ash: Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Louis.
[She shakes his hand and sits down on the steps groggily.]
Kid Sable: I see you found yourself a real fight aficionado.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Kellys Heroes (1970)


Oddball: Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
Moriarty: Crap!

Kelly: Well Oddball, what do you think?
Oddball: It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.
Big Joe: Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.
Oddball: The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!
Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.
Kelly: Nobody's asking you to be a hero.
Oddball: No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.
Kelly: No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.
Oddball: Yeah?
Kelly: Yeah.
Oddball: Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Oddball: [looking at aerial pics of the a remaining bridge] Beautiful.
Moriarty: suppose the bridge ain't there?
Oddball: [groans] Don't hit me with them negative waves so early in the morning. Think the bridge will be there and it will be there. It's a mother, beautiful bridge, and it's gonna be there. Ok?
Oddball: [Later: Oddball is looking through binoculars at the bridge] Still up!
Oddball: [planes fly and bomb the bridge] ... No it ain't. See what sending out them negative waves did, Moriarty?
Moriarty: That ain't my fault, Oddball, I've done nothing but have good thoughts about that damn bridge ever since we left!

Oddball: Hi, man.
Big Joe: What are you doing?
Oddball: I'm drinking wine and eating cheese, and catching some rays, you know.
Big Joe: What's happening?
Oddball: Well, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it.
Big Joe: Well, then, why the hell aren't you up there helping them?
Oddball: [chuckles] I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work.
Big Joe: Christ!
Oddball: Definitely an antisocial type. Woof, woof, woof! That's my other dog imitation.

Oddball: This engine's been modified by our mechanical genius here, Moriarty. Right?
Moriarty: Whatever you say, babe.
[giggles]
Oddball: These engines are the fastest in any tanks in the European Theater of Operations, forwards or backwards. You see, man, we like to feel we can get out of trouble, quicker than we got into it.
Kelly: [looking skeptical] Got any other secret weapons?
Oddball: Well, yeah, man, you see, like, all the tanks we come up against are bigger and better than ours, so all we can hope to do is, like, scare 'em away, y'know. This gun is an ordinary 76mm but we add this piece of pipe onto it, and the Krauts think, like, maybe it's a 90mm. We got our own ammunition, it's filled with paint. When we fire it, it makes... pretty pictures. Scares the hell outta people! We have a loudspeaker here, and when we go into battle we play music, very loud. It kind of... calms us down.

[Oddball sees that the bridge he wants to cross is intact and is pleased with himself]
Oddball: It's still up!
[a plane flies over the bridge and bombs it... direct hit]
Oddball: No it ain't.

Crapgame: Then make a DEAL!
Big Joe: What kind of deal?
Crapgame: A DEAL, deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican. "Business is business," right?

Oddball: We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone's knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris... or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days.

Big Joe: Look, Mac, you and us? We're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. In about a half an hour the whole American army's gonna be comin' down that road. Why don't you do yourself a great, big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?
German tank commander: I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American army.
Kelly: Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American army. It's gonna fall in our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.
German tank commander: You... the American army!
Oddball: No, baby, we ain't.

Big Joe: ...There's no booze, there's no broads, there's no action!
Captain Maitland: That's another thing - don't fool around with the women. Their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death.
Big Joe: Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!

Pvt. Babra: Stop calling me Barbara!

Pvt. Cowboy: God almighty, you guys smell like you fell into a dung heap!
Crapgame: Kinda makes ya homesick, don't it?
Pvt. Willard: [to Pvt. Cowboy] You know it does, kinda ,don't it old buddy?

Crapgame: [into field phone] Hogan? Yeah, it's me. Listen... I gotta favor to ask ya. Will you quit cryin... I haven't even asked ya yet! What the Hell's the matter with you?

Big Joe: Who's in command?
Kelly: A guy named Oddball.
Big Joe: Oddball! He's a freak!
Kelly: He's got three Shermans all ready to go.
Big Joe: What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!
Pvt. Jonesey: Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!

Major General Colt: They even got the grave diggers with them!

Crapgame: What is this? Huh? What is this, a ballgame? Who are these guys?
Oddball: They're my friends, Crapgame...
Crapgame: And who is that bunch of refugees over there?
Oddball: The band.
Crapgame: The band? What do we need a band for?
Oddball: Have a little faith, Crapgame... they're beautiful people!

 

[Captain Apollo]

The spoon comment -

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Kolchak The Night Stalker (1974)

Carl Kolchak: If you want a job done right, you just have to foul it up yourself.

Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] Buck Finemann, seventy two years old. Cantankerous old geezer. No-one liked him much, but they allowed him to play poker with them once a week because he was a terrible card player and had been known to lose as much as seventy five cents in a single evening.

Carl Kolchak: Captain Leo Winwood and I had a relationship that was long and bloody, like the Crusades, only without the chivalry.

Carl Kolchak: I promised I'd show up with a haircut, a new hat, and pressed suit... but I lie a lot.

Jim Elkhorn: Macheminido. Er, he was called a bear God, Charles, and I don't really know why since he was invisible.

Coach Toomey: Actually, Burdett never made the team.
Carl Kolchak: No?
Coach Toomey: You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.

Carl Kolchak: A raccoon, with a heart attack... maybe you fed it too much cholesterol.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Easy Money (1983)

Monty: My mother-in-law, for years I wouldn't kiss her face; I end up kissing her ass.

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You're an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

Dr. Vindaldo: [In the hospital room, commenting on Monty's bullet wound in his rear end] He was hit in the fleshy area of the gluteus maximus...
Monty: Ah, you're wrong! He got me in the ass!

Monty: Good stuff!
Nicky: It oughta be... I got it off a cop.

Blanche Genaro: [During the photo shoot of Anthony the fat little kid on the rocking horse] We want some wallet size pictures too.
Monty: This kid wouldn't fit in a wallet size

Monty: [Discovers a neighbor is letting his Doberman crap in Monty's yard] Hey, King! Not here! Not here! Why don't you take him on your property, huh?
Bill Jones: Hey take it easy. You interrupt King's business, he get's very upset.
Monty: Yeah, what makes you think I want to inherit the business?

Monty: Why dont you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

Nicky Cerone: I'm so hungry I could eat the waitress!

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Flashback (1990)

Huey Walker: Once we get outta the 80's, the 90's are going to make the 60's look like the 50's.

Huey Walker: It takes more than going down to your local video store and renting Easy Rider to become a rebel.

Huey Walker: I can't believe this! I've been abducted by the Vienna Boys Choir!

Huey Walker: Yeah, I wiped my ass with the flag, I did. Gave me a rash.

Huey Walker: Honestly, how many of you are here for the free sex?

Huey Walker: Mandatory AIDS testing for all government employees. I guess that means you, Buckner. I wouldn't worry though, you look like a practitioner of safe sex. As a matter of fact, you look like a practitioner of no sex.

Barry: [disguising his voice] We're very desperate men.
Huey Walker: Well, you sound like very desperate women.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

See No Evil,Hear No Evil (1989)

Dave: Today I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection.

Capt. Braddock: Okay, no more bullshit...
Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking fast] Was there or wasn't there a woman?
Dave: Are you serious?
Capt. Braddock: Yes, I'm goddamn serious.
Dave: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman?
Capt. Braddock: What the hell is he taking about?
Wally: He reads lips. You're talking too fast.
Capt. Braddock: [to Dave, talking slowly] Was there... a wom-an... pres-ent?
Dave: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Yes. There was... a wom-an... pres-ent.
Capt. Braddock: Why is he talking like that?
Wally: [to Capt. Braddock, talking slowly] Because he's deaf... not stu-pid.

Wally: I hear jail ain't so bad, anyway, if you like it up the butt.

Dave: [impersonating a European doctor] Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.
Wally: Pussy!
Dave: It's amazing! This man is cured!

Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broomstick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.
Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.
Dave: Small world.

Wally: These streets are bumpy.
Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Catch 22 (1970)

Old man in whorehouse: You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country and that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence, long after your country has been destroyed.
Capt. Nately: What are you talking about? America is not going to be destroyed.
Old man in whorehouse: Never?
Capt. Nately: Well...
Old man in whorehouse: Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you think your country will last? Forever?
Capt. Nately: Well, forever is a long time.
Old man in whorehouse: Very long.

Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: There's a CATCH?
Yossarian: A catch?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Sure. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.
Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying.
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: You got it, that's Catch-22.Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: It's the best there is.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.
Yossarian: What difference does that make? He's dead.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his family will get it.
Yossarian: He didn't have time to have a family.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his parents will get it.
Yossarian: They don't need it, they're rich.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then they'll understand.

Old man in whorehouse: You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.
Capt. Nately: How do you know?
Old man in whorehouse: Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you?
Capt. Nately: I'll be 20 in January.
Old man in whorehouse: If you live.

Yossarian: I am the most renowned killer of fish in the whole United States Army Air Force.

Dobbs: Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.
Yossarian: Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.

Maj. Major Major Major: Is something wrong?
Tappman: No, no. I... just thought I saw something.
Maj. Major Major Major: A naked man in a tree?
Tappman: Yes, that's it.
Danby: [looking through binoculars] That's just Yossarian.

Yossarian: [incredulous] You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?
Colonel Cathcart: A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!

Colonel Cathcart: You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.
Yossarian: You promoted me.
Colonel Cathcart: That has got nothing to do with it.

Yossarian: He was very old.
Luciana: But he was a boy.
Yossarian: Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: As a matter of fact, Father, I know I can get my hands on an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself. The Germans swiped them and put them on the open market. As I understand it, the stuff includes a wrist and collarbones of some of your top saints!

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Bad News Bears (1976)

Tanner Boyle: Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!
Timmy Lupus: And another thing, just wait till next year!

Coach Morris Buttermaker: [looks at Tanner's black eye] What the hell happened to you, Tanner?
Engelberg: Tanner got into a fight
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Who with?
Engelberg: The 7th Grade.
Coach Morris Buttermaker: What?
Engelberg: [shouts] The 7th Grade.

[Ahmad gets hit in a "sensitive area" during a play]
Coach Roy Turner: Cleveland! Stretcher!
Jimmy Feldman: A stretcher for his balls?

Ahmad Abdul Rahim: [comes up to bat and turns to catcher] This is for Allah. And it's goin' way out there, sucka.

Coach Morris Buttermaker: Jumping catfish! What a great arm! Who is that kid, anyway?
Toby Whitewood: Of course he's got a great arm, Buttermaker. He's the best athlete in the area. But you don't understand, that's Kelly Leak.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: You guys talking about Kelly Leak?
Coach Morris Buttermaker: Yeah.
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: That dude is a bad mother. You talk about a loan shark. I borrowed a nickel from him last week. He said if I didn't give him a dime by Friday, he'd break my arm.
Miguel Agilar: Es un bandido.

Tanner Boyle: We lost eighteen to nothin', Buttercrud, and the Athletics are the worst team in the league!
Ahmad Abdul Rahim: *Second* worst...
Tanner Boyle: Sorry, I forgot.

 

[Det.Wojciehowicz]

Real Genius (1985)

Mitch: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris Knight: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch: No...
Chris Knight: Why am I the only one who has that dream?

[Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house]
Chris Knight: So, if there's anything I can do for you - or, more to the point, *to* you - just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards

Chris Knight: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

Chris Knight: Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
David Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.

Chris Knight: Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.

Professor Hathaway: You still run?
Chris Knight: Only when chased.

Chris Knight: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.