NEWS FLASH
In a stunning move by the Vatican today, Pope Francis has announced the purchase of the Copenhagen United Nations Tigers as a new bid by the Catholic Church to get in touch with the common man in the Australian Firkin Fun Bar Rugby League competition.
"We are delighted to tell people of our new acquisition," the pontiff reported. "The Tigers are a real underdog team, and were on the road to financial ruin. However, we saw it as our Christian duty to love this side by buying it and caring for it over the remainder of the season. An act of good will, you might say."
The Vatican Bank did not elucidate the exact amount it bought the Tigers for, but it did suggest it came cheap.
Asked about the name, Francis was frank in his admission that a name change was needed.
"We felt the Copenhagen name needed a revamp," he said seriously. "So we're relocating the side to Malta and calling it the 'Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of Saint John of Jerusalem of Rhodes and of Malta'. Their mascot will be the Crusader, and they will play out of Vatican City. The team name is in honour of St John, the patron saint, and he no doubt is thrilled by it.'
The long name will be shortened to just St John's Crusaders for simplicity's sake, but the full name will be painted on the Vatican City stadium.
"We also announce the signing of Tim Sheens, the supercoach, to coach this side for the remainder of the year," Francis said excitedly, ushering out the former Tigers, Cowboys and Raiders coach. "Sheenius is the right man for the job."
"Thanks everyone," Sheens said. "I look forward to working with Francis, saying my penance for past deeds and also beg Commissioner Misanthrope the opportunity to sign Benji Marshall to our side for the remainder of the season in a bid to remain competitive."
Commissioner Misanthrope has not yet responded, but is likely to agree for a care package of Vegemite and white toast with melted butter. An update on Benji's limbo status will be given as soon as we hear it.
