Discussion in 'Health, Fitness and Well Being' started by Patorick, Feb 20, 2017.
Dissolving our self-importance ~ Pema Chödron
The fixed idea that we have about ourselves as solid and separate from each other is painfully limiting. It is possible to move through the drama of our lives without believing so earnestly in the character that we play. That we take ourselves so seriously, that we are so absurdly important in our own minds, is a problem for us. We feel justified in being annoyed with everything. We feel justified in denigrating ourselves or in feeling that we are more clever than other people. Self-importance hurts us, limiting us to the narrow world of our likes and dislikes. We end up bored to death with ourselves and our world. We end up never satisfied.
We have two alternatives: either we question our beliefs — or we don’t. Either we accept our fixed versions of reality, or we begin to challenge them. In Buddha’s opinion, to train in staying open and curious — to train in dissolving our assumptions and beliefs — is the best use of our human lives.
– Pema Chödron
from the book "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times"
ISBN: 978-1590302651 - http://amzn.to/15MIekU
Pema Chödron on the web:
Pema Chödron biography:
What does BPD feel like?
By Brian Barnett, Interpreter. Artist. Wilderness guru. BPD
Answered Oct 7
It feels like absolutely nothing. When you’re walking around ignorant to it, not knowing what Borderline Personality Disorder is, much less that you have it, it feels like absolutely nothing.
You’re not conscious of it. You’re not aware that it is affecting your emotions, that it’s influencing your behaviors, or that you are any different whatsoever from any other perfectly normal person on the planet.
What do people feel like today who will learn in ten years that they’ve had a tumor living in them all this time? They feel like normal people. Maybe later they’ll look back and realize that perhaps the little ache after supper wasn’t a normal thing, or that the weight loss wasn’t due to the new job.
After one emerges from ignorance and realizes all the negative effects of Borderline Personality Disorder, that is when things feel weird. For example, you realize all that past emotional turmoil was way outside the realm of ‘normal’, and completely unnecessary.
You feel sad for having been a puppet for so long to the lasting effects of emotional negligence and abuse in childhood, which you had never before realized was anything other than the ‘normal’ way families show love.
You mourn life’s losses for new reasons. Divorces, romantic opportunities, friendships. They’re not just losses anymore, they’re losses your ignorance caused and earlier education/intervention could have prevented.
You struggle to catch up to normal, appropriate emotional development for your age group, which includes settling into your real identity and letting it appropriately mature.
It feels like lots of things in recovery. But when BPD is developing inside of you and even while it is at its zenith, it feels like absolutely, positively nothing. You can’t feel what you’re completely unaware of.
I read somewhere that the incidents leading to borderline personality disorder usually occur before age two. Is this true?
Ella Alink, studied Psychology at The Open University
Answered Oct 22
Yes, this is the case. The seeds for bpd are planted between birth and the age of 3–5 years old. The essence of bpd is found in the very fact that a child's basic needs were not met, resulting in problems with attachment and emotion regulation. If you don’t learn this properly as a kid due to an inaccurate example from your parent(s), this has it’s impact throughout every other relationship you encounter for the rest of your life.
It does not matter if you cannot remember anything before the age of 2, or if you think you had a good childhood without abuse or trauma. It can happen so subtle that you are not even aware of it. Most of the time it suddenly flashes it’s head around puberty (lot’s of anger and pushing against all boundaries) or sometimes even later after an impactful event that somehow ‘kick-started’ the bpd that you carried with you all of the time already.
You could see it this way; our minds are like computers. We are all born with a certain hardware unit, but what creates you as a person, and develops your personality, is the software that is going to be installed on the base unit.
People with BPD are certainly not crazy, there is nothing wrong with their mind. More often they are extremely intelligent. However, there is a software program installed without their awareness that is messing with their nervous system and emotions. This program is running 24/7 UNCONSCIOUSLY!
There could be a genetic predisposition (genes with more sensitivity to stress and or anxiety) but BPD is not genetic, it is mainly due to nurture. And the first 3–5 years are essential for a child to develop a solid identity, learn empathy etc.
You probably know the film ‘The Matrixx’. What if something was planted in your head before you were even old enough to understand? Do you think you would be able to recall this and act on it? Of course not! So why do you think it is so hard to treat bpd? You first have to become aware and willing to take responsibility. This can take 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and some people never will.
It took me 35 years to become aware of my ‘software’ and I am still learning.
The self sabotaging aspect is big as well. As soon as you find the software, a self destruction button is activated at the same time. The more you move towards improving/ getting better, the more the self sabotage kicks in, because stability is freaking scary if you are not used to it (hence all the drama, chaos, instable relationships etc…it’s messy, but at least it feels familiar and kind of ‘safe’. Changing this means losing control, which equals severe agony, panic etc in a way that freezes you or numbs you).
Your story resonates with me as I too have suffered from severe mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and years of schizophrenia. I hadn't received a proper diagnosis at the time I created the artwork about BPD, I strongly suspected I had it back then but I was wrong. Schizophrenia has stolen seven years of my youth and a part of my identity, led me to try and steal my own life. I am now nearly recovered from it at 26 years old (I was unresponsive to medication, I ultimately found my own ways towards recovery by reading about it and learning about neuroscience, health and medicine, and specifically through the findings of neurologist Natasha Campbell)... I now suffer from other physical health issues, debilitating neuropathy and chronic pain from infectious encephalitis and severe neurological issues, I feel suicidal like never before.
I can relate to your personal story in the sense we have both struggled with severe mental and physical conditions and I now how soul crushing these are... I empathise with your situation, it does hurt me to hear your story. I also know too well what suicidal ideation is, my conditions have also ruined every aspect of my life, relationships, studies, I have spent my youth isolated mostly and I still am. I have only two friends left, I spend my days in bed because of neuropathic pain, I cannot go out nor walk and I am living every day with the trauma and memories of years of psychosis, dissociation and schizophrenia that still haunts me. I have anger outburst, I break things, spend nights screaming, I am very desperate and in so much physical and mental pain...
I have never met not had the opportunity to discuss with anyone with schizophrenia or any severe mental health issue therefore I would appreciate discussing with your further, maybe we can support each other and share ways and advice on how to deal with our mental and physical condition.
I want to ask you out of curiosity if you don't mind, are you being treated for lupus? What about your BDP? In what country do you live?
How do you cope with suicidal ideation/depression on a regular basis? Do you share your mental issues with friends and others? I am in denial of my conditions, it is difficult for me to talk to anyone about it, my family doesn't know either, I feel ashamed of being different and sick.
Thanks for reading. I hope you get to see this message and reply to it.
Thanks for the e-mail and apologies for my delayed reply. Been sitting on this message for a few days to fully digest it. I’m so sorry to hear about your issues with schizophrenia. I am very fortunate not to have any issues with schizophrenia but I know some people that do and can empathize very strongly with their (and your) mental health issues. Not too mention your encephalitis and severe neurological issues. You are so brave and strong for surviving this. And sharing what has happened to me so openly.
Are you being treated for lupus? Yes, I see a rheumatologist every three months and am on two different medications for that.
What about your BDP? BPD. I’ve learned to manage it better over the years. Still not anywhere near prefect, but have gotten much better with identifying my emotional triggers, radical acceptance, letting go and not taking my mental issues out on other people.
In what country do you live? Australia.
How do you cope with suicidal ideation/depression on a regular basis? Mindfulness. Meditation. Yoga. Diet (vegetarian). Exercise. Playing with Lego. Selling Lego and Transformers sets on eBay. Working. Playing sport. Reading. Writing. Watching TV. Listening too uplifting music.
Do you share your mental issues with friends and others? Yes. A lot. I blog about BPD here. I was in our local paper earlier this year. I am in a local mental health group that meets once a month. A lot of my friends also have mental health issues. Try to reach out to these people as much as possible to share what works for me.
Anymore questions? I’m an open book who is here to help (if possible).
How do you deal with borderline personality disorder on a daily basis?
By Suhayl Kodiriy (studied Electrical Engineering & Computer Science)
Updated Nov 9
After dealing with this issue for the majority of my life, I found some very helpful methods of maintaining healthy relationships with other non-BPD people.
1. Force myself not to care when I first meet someone. When I say not to care, I mean not to care the way someone with BPD cares. Which is too much. I recognized that normal people never put all their eggs in one emotional basket when it comes to relationships. I know that we’ll meet once and then probably never again. There’s no need to put my soul into this person.
2. Force myself not to care the second time I meet someone. Apparently, normal people start acting friendlier the second time, but they still don’t develop strong emotional connections.
3. Keep repeating that until you’ve spent enough time with the person to know for sure if they’re actually interested in having a friendship with you. I used to try to become friends with people who seemed like they cared, but in reality just said things for the fun of it. Those were not fun experiences. I got terribly hurt.
4. If I ever suddenly have the idea that I am not good enough and that people don’t deserve me, I repeat in my brain at least 100 times: you’re having a bad phase right now. It’s not true. It’s not true. It’s not true. Just wait. It will pass. You’re not a horrible person. I also hide my phone and computer somewhere so that I don’t do anything stupid. I go on a walk if I can, and sing outside.
5. When I feel extremely alone, I write music. Music soothes the pain. It gets it out of my mind and into my fingers. Maybe you can find something you like doing to distract yourself.
6. Talking to people and writing really helps. It makes me feel less alone, even with the extreme distances separating us.
I hope this helps. I heard that therapy really helps, too. Even when I feel alone and people don’t respond quickly to my messages, I remember that everyone has busy lives. Work, school, etc…
Feeling, Dealing & Healing (free verse poem)
25/10/2017 (edited 25/11/2017)
People are relatively annoyed.
Writing something to release let go.
My humble polite personal self cannot help you.
Recognize responsibly what you need to do to get better.
Can only share what works for me (most idealistically).
Indeed you are seriously fitfully sensually beautiful.
Well beyond my culpable capabilities of wording.
Physical proportion pleasantly personified.
Are you effective enough with this feeling?
#youare #iam #believethat
Observe this feeling of frustrated annoyance.
Shall we positively cope with what this is?
All you can do is be there and care.
Selfish negative attitude nightmares negate us.
Boundary of secure comfort limits our friendly zone.
World deceived by your wonderful ornaments.
Still a human that needs to be nurtured, loved and cared.
For deluded objectification and selfish obsession ruin us.
Can your soulful heart sense this?
#please #safe #personalspace
Radically accept our impermanent nature peacefully.
Mindfully suffer aware of the existence.
Please selflessly desire less than you need.
Awareness benefits things beyond our ego.
Equally understanding and sharing compassion.
Respect for you with genuine universal love.
Being your friend is more than just enough.
To gratefully cherish what energy we have.
What do you honestly need?
#always #forever #nomatterwhat
How can someone stop being a boring person?
By James Haforlarin (Reader, writer, talkative, entrepreneur)
Answered 15h ago
Been boring is horrible and I know because I've been there. To stop being boring is not easy and you'll have to invest a lot of effort in yourself.
If you are ready, you can start by
1. Staying away from your phone - phone addiction had made a lot of people into automatons. They can craft perfect IMs and emails but they are dead in real life. So please stop spending so much time and invest more time talking with real people in front of you.
2. Invest in hobbies - being boring comes from being bland and always doing the same things. Invest in your hobbies instead, go out and try new things. Do some woodworking, hill climbing, writing, skydiving, sports, volunteering or whatever it is you have interest in.
3. Make new friends at your hobbies - the next thing to do is to make new friends who you share hobbies together. This similarity will make it easier to talk and make a connection with them. And the more friends you make, the less boring you'll be. But that's not all.
4. Diversify too - here comes the real deal, hanging out with one type of people at one hobby will make you interesting there but boring elsewhere. So to be interesting, you need to diversify. Have a bunch of hobby. Don't eat at one restaurant. Don't always take the same road home. Have more than one bestfriend. Take your partner to different locations for dates. Don't talk to only one kind of people. As for me I have both extroverts, introverts, needs and guys as friends. Make my life fun.
5. Ask interesting questions - you'll always be boring when you stick to how are you? And what do you do?. When you meet people ask more interesting questions such as what's your story? Give me the highlights of your day? What's interesting about your childhood? Do you believe in colonizing Mars?
6. Learn interest digging - Dale Carnegie once said “talk to a man about his interest and he'll listen for hours”. A lot of times I was boring in the past is because I dwelled on my interest alone and didn't care about my audience's. I talked about psychology when they love medicine or air planes. So to be interesting, find out what your audience likes and dwell on that.
7. Learn the art of elaboration - you'll always be boring if you give response such as fine or okay to questions. Learn to elaborate! When someone ask about your day, say “my day was bland, just sat at home throughout doing quora and watching the punisher, didn't like the film at all” instead of the stupid “fiiiine”
8. Don't be afraid to share - A friend once told me that you can't be a good conversationalist without being vulnerable. You see, being interesting is not always about listening. Some people are nervous talking to strangers right off the bat, and you need to share before they reciprocate. So stop keeping shush. Talk about your day, life, business, upbringing etc.
9. Laugh at the voice - ah ah! The biggest problem of all. Most boring people have the limiting belief that they are just boring. A voice keeps repeating it upstairs. You need to start laughing at this voice because the only reason you are being is because you have boring behaviors not because you are boring.
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