Discussion in 'Health, Fitness and Well Being' started by Patorick, Feb 20, 2017.
How can a therapist help a client with borderline personality disorder acquire a sense of self?
Answered by Julie Gurner (A doc of psychology) on April the 6th 2018.
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often suffer from an unstable sense of self (technically called “identity diffusion”)…there are a lot of reasons for that, but this is how a therapist can help them - if the therapist is properly trained.
I say that, because often times, patients with BPD will go to therapists *for years* with no results - and honestly, it’s usually because the therapist is not trained in DBT or specialty treatments that truly help these individuals, and they should be referring them to people who do have this training.
Here’s 4 Things We Do (in a vague way - every person is different).
1. We help Define Boundaries. Boundaries are rough for people with BPD, and often very difficult to adjust to…but boundaries help people to know where they end, and the other person begins. We start here because without knowing this line, it’s often confusing to define who you are. Therapists might start out drawing the boundaries by using the therapeutic relationship with you as a model…but the hope is, that you’ll learn to draw boundaries in your own life outside of the office.
2. We give you Emotional Regulation Skills. We teach you how to regulate your emotions that can be so intense and seemingly unmanageable. While that is challenging, mastering it gives people a sense of confidence. Emotions don’t have to control them anymore - they control their emotions. That’s very powerful.
3. We help to Build Self-Esteem. How do you know that you are worthy of respect or who you are if you have no self-esteem? We help you to see yourself as stable (see emotional regulation skills), well-defined regardless of others (boundaries), and start to develop who you are…and that person is usually really cool.
4. We help you to define yourself, not allow others to create that definition. People with BPD often come from unstable backgrounds where they based who they were from other people’s reaction to them. By taking that power back, it creates an entirely new dynamic of interacting with other people…a stable sense of self that translates to all environments.
People with BPD aren’t “bad clients,” they just have problems not every therapist is equipped to deal with. Look for a therapist with DBT training, and find the good ones! While this isn’t everything, obviously, it gives you a good insight into how we help a client with BPD acquire a sense of self.
I'm honestly not sure. From what I have read from this my perspective is that he has issues with social skills and co-existing in a team environment. Getting along, being friendly and showing respect. On the field and off the field. For the coach to come out and say that these issues have been ongoing suggest a long-term pattern of negative attitude and behavior.
Whether these are personality disorder issues or mental health challenges, the main thing is that we as a club give him the support, space and time that he needs to get himself feeling safe and happy. It's just a game. No one is perfect. We all have issues. When his football career comes to an end Hastings has to find something else to do and the club (and Hastings himself) has a responsibility to help him as much as they can with this. His welfare is important as is every other players. His feelings are important. So are the feelings of everyone else involved with this.
As a club they are hurting mentally and physically. Losing is not fun. We have to respect that and show our unconditional support to everyone associated to the team with peace, love and understanding. Be mindful of how difficult it is to compete at the NRL level of rugby league and to be more grateful of the success when it does start happening again.
Can someone with BPD have periods of months in which they isolate and do not want to talk to anyone?
Answered by Marie Laigneau on the 14th of May 2018.
In the life of BPD people, there will be times when the pain is too much to bear.
We’re then faced with two choices:
1. Deny those feelings at all costs - blaming others and the world, escaping through substances / alcohol, doing crazy things to take our mind off our problems.
2. Attempt to deal with those feelings - which will generate frightening pain, sometimes pain so great that depression and withdrawal is inevitable and even necessary to the healing process.
I am not talking about everyone’s experience here, but I have a very good idea of what it means to choose 1. or 2. - In fact, I chose 1) for the major part of my life, until I attempted to tackle the problem and fell into depression (2). From then on, it has been up and down, with periods when I would feel better, and other cascading events leading me back into the rabbit hole.
Is social withdrawal the right strategy? Probably not, but for me it has felt like a necessity during these months of healing / recovering. Interactions with other people had become very painful in themselves. I had to stay on my own to heal the massive wounds that I had opened, and this was my way of protecting myself. My friends, despite themselves, were reminding me of everything that was wrong with my life, and how fragile and broken I was. I was afraid that they’d see me as weak, scary or broken, and deeply I felt terrible shame for it. I was also concerned that they would give up on me if they really saw me at my worst, because at the core of it, I thought I was unlovable and worthless.
I reconnected with the world one step at a time. A little bit of going out, here and there. Inviting friends for a coffee, going out for a walk. Slowly, very slowly did I come back to life, but it took months to be able to stand the presence of others without wanting to scream inside, to scream so loudly that I would have scared the hell out of them. So be patient with this person. Be patient but persevere. Show them that while they might feel that they are drowning, you are there and you will stay there. Whatever happens, no matter how much time they need, you will not go anywhere. You will be their rock, because you love them.
This is the best thing you can do for someone who’ve decided to face these intolerable feelings.
So how is it going you doing OK?
I have borderline Angryman.
I like children and animals, adults not so much.
Hey. Good question Mr Angry. Thank you for asking. I'm relatively ok all things considered. As good as someone with BPD can be.
My life is very busy. Up and down each day. Every day is a challenge dealing with negative thought patterns and unstable relationships with myself and others. Handling honest direct criticism and not taking everything deeply personally. Accepting people for the flawed beings that they are. Myself as well.
Yoga and soccer (indoor and outdoor) helps so much with this. Breathing and meditation as well. Being grateful for everything in my life. Actively practicing gratitude for everything that is around me. The clothes that I wear, the food that I eat, the water that I drink and the fresh air that I breathe. All the little things like that you can sometimes take for granted.
Waking up each morning and facing the day with a positive selfless mindset. Not easy on cold morning but once you get the hot shower, coffee and breakfast on you are right. Getting dressed, grooming yourself and showing up each day ready to work. And play. And volunteer wherever I can be of help to those around me. Being there for other people as well, making time for them. No matter what mentally might get in the way.
I did ask.
the sun will tomorrow too.
Being blocked 101
Answered by Jessica LeBoeuf (Personal Trainer) on May 28, 2017
Don't take it personal.
It's never about you.
It is always about what the other person is going through.
Remember everyone has feelings.
If this person blocked you it is likely because there is currently a lot of emotion there right now.
Everyone copes differently.
“To heal a wound you need to stop touching it.”
It's natural to want to block someone in every aspect especially when feeling overwhelmed and hurt. Blocking can be used as a coping mechanism.
It protects the wound.
Lastly, have compassion.
Don't hold a grudge.
We're all just people trying to live life to the fullest while taking some stops along the way.
Remember people come and go. Be thankful for all that person taught you.
Don't hate, become indifferent.
My further thoughts:
This is especially difficult for me with BPD. Letting go is very difficult in this sort of situation even if you are only on a friendship level. Several people have blocked and unfriended me on Facebook (some of whom I was once very close with). That is initially very upsetting and confusing to me but it is their right too do this. You have to accept this. It has happened and nothing you can say or do will change this. Trying to contact them again through a mutual friend will only make this worse.
It is not about you. This about them. They are in control of the situation. They feel safer and better this way. They do not owe you an explanation. This not about you or what you want. It is about them and their personal space.
You are wasting your time trying to stay in touch with people who block you out. As cute and cuddly as they may be, they do not want to stay in touch with you. They care about your well being as a person but the friendship or relationship has ended and you have to accept that. In some cases it is brutal and unkind but you still have to radically accept it and move along.
The quicker you do this the more time you will have for people who do like you and are friendly toward you. People who are really there for you, your close family and friends.
"There is people that find joy in other people's suffering and that's more indicative of what's inside them than what's inside me or anybody else. And that's always going to be them unless they change. I don't live my life based on the opinions of somebody else."
"Our age has shifted all emphasis to the here and now, and thus brought about a daemonization of man and his world. The phenomenon of dictators and all the misery they have wrought springs from the fact that man has been robbed of transcendence by the shortsightedness of the super-intellectuals. Like them, he has fallen a victim to unconsciousness. But man’s task is the exact opposite: to become conscious of the contents that press upward from the unconscious. Neither should he persist in his unconsciousness, nor remain identical with the unconscious elements of his being, thus evading his destiny, which is to create more and more consciousness. As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. It may even be assumed that just as the unconscious affects us, so the increase in our consciousness affects the unconscious."
Carl Jung, "Memories, Dreams, Reflections".
Written by Pat Flynn (Me) on the 2nd of May 2018.
This was written this sitting near the boundary line of my favorite cricket ground in my home town. Was thinking and reflecting about personal boundaries. The safe spaces within which people feel comfortable and also personal space, in terms of respecting the boundaries of other people as a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD).
A beautiful person recently messaged me on Facebook asking me to stop sending her random messages. She wrote that we were not friends and that there was no need to reply. On the one hand, this really hurt and the feeling of rejection from her was very upsetting. It was not a very nice thing to say and there was a nicer way of doing that. On the other hand, she had a very good point. We are not close friends. She does not message me. We see each other once a month for yoga (less now actually) and that is it. We have some mutual friends but there is no emotional connection and she does not care about what I was messaging her about. My attempts to be friendly toward her were not appreciated and it is her right to ask me to stop. She does not need me (or anyone else she hardly knows) messaging her about how awesomely beautiful she is. That does not matter to her. That is just my subjective feeling toward her.
With pride I have moved past this feeling of hurt and rejection. Some people are committed to misjudging and misunderstanding you. That is life. Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to be your friend. Some people will, but most people won’t and you have to accept this. She did not appreciate the random messages and I must accept that this is her feeling on that matter. If I could apologize to her I would say that I am very sorry for not being more discreetly circumspect with regard to her personal space and boundaries. No matter how friendly I was trying to be, she did not appreciate what I was doing and I must respect this and her personal feelings toward me.
The BPD lesson here is to be mindful of the effect what you are doing and saying is having on other people. You may feel that you are being there for them and helping them but that is your feeling, not theirs. You can upset and hurt people accidentally (even when you did not intend too). Please don’t expect people to be friendly toward you. And also don’t expect friendly beautiful people to like you as much as you like them.
With regard to Facebook and social communication, please message the people that message you. Don’t pester people who do not have time for you. Be mindful of who is your friend, who is your mate and who is a casual acquaintance. Be friendly to absolutely everyone but don’t expect them to add you to their circle of friends. No matter how funny, social, cute or cuddly you may feel that you are being toward them. You still have to be mindful of other people’s emotions, feelings and boundaries.
Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. People are free to reject you and to not be friends (in person and online). That is up to them, not you. You are not in control of other people’s feelings or emotions. You are only in control of your own feelings and emotions. How you respond is up to you, whether that is maturely, acceptingly, realistically, dramatically or somewhere in between.
My feelings are valid but also so are hers. She deserves peace and for me to respect her personal space boundaries. I am genuinely very sorry that I did not and my future behavior toward her and other people will reflect this. BPD or non (person who does not have BPD) you still have to respect other people with unconditional love, peace, understanding, wisdom and compassion.
P.S: I am not perfect. I make lots of mistakes in my private personal life that I feel deep shame, obligation and guilt about. This is towards family, friends, people in general and also me as well. At times I can be egotistical, delusional and selfish. Please keep this in mind while reading my writing. Self-awareness is the key here, admitting your faults and trying to be a better version of yourself (before it is way too late). No one is perfect. I make mistakes but I also learn from the errors of my ways. I say things that I shouldn’t say and do things that I shouldn’t do. But I am mature enough to handle constructive criticism and not take it overly personally. Sometimes though I am in the wrong and this time I definitely was. Letting go of this is important though, moving forward.
P.P.S: Upon further reflection I may have sent her a message asking if she was single and whether she would like a coffee with me. Also invited her to some events and sent some social events to her via messenger. I can see why this was too much for her and why she asked me to stop. It was too much for the familiarity level we were at. Not cool, in retrospect and it was my bad. I am sorry.
Hope you’re doing well Pat, take care mate.
Do borderlines ever regret discarding you? Mine is acting like I was the one who discarded her.
Answered by Scott M Carter (Licensed Therapist, Clinical Mental Health Counselor) on Monday the 1st of October 2018.
Persons with BPD can have some distorted ways of seeing things which is why it’s a mental illness.
I once had a BPD client that said “I’m going to leave therapy” and I told her that she was welcome to do so if she wanted to which she replied “you’re abandoning me!” (Me knowing, of course, that she has major abandonment issues.)
The distorted thinking her is that if I let her leave on her own will, then I must not care about her and therefore she is being abandoned.
This is partially why they may act like you were the one that bailed.
Do they regret it?
The fragmented personality has a side to it that likely regrets it the second that it happens but the idealization and devaluation often happens after the relationship has ended.
You can expect to continue to bounce between being a hero and villain as long as you continue to have contact with this person.
Believe me when I say that this is a bunch that lives in a perpetual state of feeling and being unsure.
Unsure of what they are supposed to do, act, think, feel, etc.
And while I think it’s important to exercise kindness and compassion for people that struggle with mental illness, I have little tolerance for the “my behavior is your fault” type of thinking.
Accountability is a must for BPD if they want their relationships to be more functional and especially if they want to get better but unfortunately there are strong veins of victim identification in our modern culture.
The “my bad behavior is your fault” type thinking that is really destructive.
Separate names with a comma.