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Lame jokes

Jason Maher

Jason Maher

Immortal
Messages
35,979
:lol:

Did you hear the one about Kiwi who got kicked out of the cricket? His girlfriend kept jumping the fence for a feed.
 
Buzzard Breath

Buzzard Breath

Bench
Messages
3,904
A man escapes prison where he has been locked up for 20 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and ties him up.
He leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom.
The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says or he might kill us, be strong honey love you.
The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute.
So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
 
veggiepatch1959

veggiepatch1959

First Grade
Messages
9,841
A guy escapes from a mental asylum and after walking for half an hour, he comes across a couple of young women washing their clothes in a stream.

Thinking he has nothing to lose, he rapes them both and leaves them crying on the bank.

The next day's newspaper headline was "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS".
 
Rebel

Rebel

First Grade
Messages
5,360
On a recent trip to Australia, the customs form asked "have you committed any felonies?"

I didn't realise it was mandatory.
 
Rebel

Rebel

First Grade
Messages
5,360
What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yoghurt?

The yoghurt has culture.
 
veggiepatch1959

veggiepatch1959

First Grade
Messages
9,841
A black fella walks into the Centrelink office and says to the guy behind the counter "I desperately need a job. I've never had a job, been in and out of jail for the last 20 years. I'll do any sort of job and I have to repay my debt to society."

The Centrelink guy says "You've come in at the right time. Just had a vacancy come in for a personal assistant for a multi billionaire's daughter. She's 19, an absolute glamour and needs to be chauffeured all around the world shopping in places like Paris and New York but be warned....she's a raving nymphomaniac and needs to be serviced at least five times a day. Your starting salary will be $200,000 a year with an immediate start. How does that sound?"

The black fella says "You've got to be bullshitting me!!"

The Centrelink guy replies "Well you f**king started it!!"
 
soc123_au

soc123_au

Moderator
Staff member
Messages
18,559
Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

What do you call a barn full of elderly black people?

Antique farm equipment.

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!?" "No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there."
 
soc123_au

soc123_au

Moderator
Staff member
Messages
18,559
What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew?

The boy scout came back from camp.

How do you make a dead baby cute?

Staple it to a puppy.
 
R

Red Bear

Referee
Messages
20,882
Rebel said:
On a recent trip to Australia, the customs form asked "have you committed any felonies?"

I didn't realise it was mandatory.
Click to expand...
Reminds me of the one I heard

Geez it's tough being Israeli. I mean my Israeli friends walks through customs and they ask her "Occupation?" and she has to reply "No, just a holiday"
 
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