Laughter Is The Best Medicine

[Nutz]

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to make me feel better?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight dear.”

 

[Nutz]

An old man is depressed because he's too frail to plow his farm land to sow his potatoes. Normally his son does it but he is in jail.
He writes to his son in jail wishing he could be home to plough the land for him.
The son writes back from jail...."Dad, whatever you do don't get anyone to plough the land as that's where I burried all the bodies."
The next day the FBI turned up at old dads farm and began digging up every square inch of farm land but they didn't find any bodies.
The FBI apologied to the old man and left.
The next day the old man got another letter from his son saying,
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.”

 

[Nutz]

President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied...if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it.

 

[Nutz]

A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.

 

[Tigerm]

Quiz time:
What is the largest number between 1 and 100 million, that doesn’t contain the letter “N”?

 

[DJDL]

Quiz time:
What is the largest number between 1 and 100 million, that doesn’t contain the letter “N”?

Eighty eight.

 

[Nutz]

Quiz time:
What is the largest number between 1 and 100 million, that doesn’t contain the letter “N”?

88, had to search that one

 

[Nutz]

88, had to search that one

Doh, just saw DJDL's answer.

 

[Nutz]

Have you ever noticed that body hair grows to a certain length then stops.
Interestingly if you shave your arm hair then let it grow back, eventually the hair grows back to the the same length as before, matching the other arm... normally.
I say normally because I keep tripping over my pubic hair.

 

[Nutz]

The neighbour has just had a baby which has no ears.
Dad told Johnny to come with him and pay a visit to see the newborn.
Dad said...."son, don't mention the ears ok"
Little Johnny promised not to say anything about the baby’s lack of ears.
They went next door and Johnny looks in the bassinet and says, “Wow, what a beautiful baby.” The mother replies, “Why, Thanks, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose, and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?”
“Yes,” says the mum, “we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.”
“That is great,” says Little Johnny, “cause he’d be stuffed if he needed glasses!”

 

[Nutz]

The English teacher asks the class:
“Which tense is the sentence.... ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’?”
Little Johnny replies, “Clearly, past tense.”

 

[Nutz]

Yeh I know, they're getting worse....feel free to improve the situation.

 

[Nutz]

Teacher: “Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody else is interested?”
Little Johnny: “A teacher, miss.”
Sounds a bit like Panther supporters.

 

[Nutz]

https://pin.it/4YBjiP5

 

[Tigerm]

 

[Tigerm]

Do you know why they evacuate the woman and children first in an emergency?


So the men can think of a solution in silence without being told there doing it wrong 100 times!

 

[Tigerm]

Why are gay dudes bad?


Because they’re f**king arseholes

 

[Nutz]

Why are gay dudes bad?


Because they’re f**king arseholes

Why are they allways depressed?
Cause they are the butt of all jokes.

 

[Nutz]

View attachment 82630

Put your hands up in the air, yeh!

 

[Nutz]

I saw a blind man standing on the corner waving a guide dog around his head by the tail,
I said, " hey stop, what the hell are you doing"
The blind man said, why, I'm just havin a look around"