Loudstrat
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Well here it is – the 2012 instalment of the most accurate thing in Rugby League since Hasem El Masri’s right foot – Loudstrat’s famous NRL Almanac.
2011 was another outstanding year of predicting by the Almanac – an 87% success rate was achieved! Yes, this phenomenal oracle was enough to make me come second in the office footy tipping comp, beaten only by the blonde with big tits who picked teams with the colours she liked. So renown is the Almanac’s accuracy that the Greek and Italian Governments invested their national economies heavily in it.
The 2011 Almanac (linked here) successfully predicted Manly’s boom season
If you need that extra boost to your flagging fortunes, here it is! An otherwise unknown balding pommy called Billy Windsor trusted the almanac, and wound up marrying a princess and getting global fame! Osama Bin Ladin ignored advice to consult the almanac, and look what happened to him! Your future is in your hands (and thankfully not Matt Orford’s). Here it is, the spoiler of spoilers. If you don’t want to know the outcome, look away until October!
Brisbane Broncos
The last gasp of Brisbane’s golden era may have puffed to a halt when Darren Lockyer conjured up a dusky field goal after over 100 minutes of grind against St George. Left with the option of making the tropical hero hitchhike to Sydney and dress up as Ned Kelly for the preliminary final, he politely retired from the Broncos. For the first time ever, Brisbane do not have a recognised playmaker. The addition of one spurned Petero Civoniceva will be a boost, but frankly a blind pineapple can set up better plays than him. Petero returns a lesser player than he left, leaving his best in Penrith. The Broncos missed the boat in the playmaker market, and look much like a Ferrari with a Daihatsu engine. Peter Wallace – groomed to spoon feed Heather, now has to chew for the whole team. This concept will be hard to digest. Can they go shopping with the salary cap space that Lockyer frees up for 2013? Forget it – their glut of boom youngsters are up for contract upgrades. Look forward to a year of 5 hitups and a kick.
WHAT THEY NEED: Nick Slyney to be the biggest discovery since Paris Hilton’s webcam.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: To be chasing cutie midseason to return as five eight in 2013.
LAST YEAR: 40 pts
THIS YEAR: 28 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 8th
Canterbury
If there was one club over time who had the ability to solve its on field problems – through fair means or foul, its the Doggies. However, there is nothing in the old Bullfrog Moore bag of tricks that will solve the problem of halves as potent as a disinterested eunuch. Des Hasler put up minimal fight at Manly to keep Hodgekinson for a reason. This year they reunite knowing the halves back on the Corso created a premiership from the same side that Spent Trent struggled to get to the finals. The shadow of Keiron Foran hangs over Belmore. With a preparation disrupted by the Hasler soap opera, where he was thrust upon a team rallying behind stand in coach Jim Dymock, there may be some dissent with the door slammer. Much is being made of the clever recruitment of big James Graham, just like last year when much was made of the recruitment of Frank Pritchard. If the NRL was a hotel chain, Canterbury would definitely be a “BnB”!
WHAT THEY NEED: Des to put some mongrel back into the kennel.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: To realise that that Jim Dymock was a master coach with his efforts last year.
LAST YEAR: 28 pts
THIS YEAR: 20 pts
PREDICTION: 14th
Canberra Raiders
Additions Shaun Berrigan (Warriors)
Losses Alan Tongue (retirement), Josh Miller (Dragons), Daniel Vidot (Dragons), Danny Galea (Panthers), Matt Orford (released), David Milne (Mackay)
Signed On Again Joe Picker, Tom Learoyhd Lahrs, Bronson Harrison, Dane Tilse, David Shillington, Shaun Fensom, Glen Buttriss, Jarrod Croker, Blake Ferguson , Matt McIlwick, Sam Williams, Josh McCrone
Remember the good old days – when Mal and Rueben Wiki could run with the backs, Laurie Daley had sensible hair and Paul Osbourne only debt was at the Belconnen IGA? Since those days the once mighty Green Machine has blown a head gasket, and no one can find the service manual. The occasional burst of activity has teased Raiders fans, but like the blonde hottie at school on short skirt day, they are left with a boner and a load of desperation. When the highlight of your season was the bravery of a young man suffering acne, you know you are crap. A burst of promise in late 2010 teased long suffering Raiders supporters that a return to the glory days were upon them. Sadly, no matter what is said about their three rotating giants up front, or the certainty that Josh Dugan will one day walk across Lake Burley Griffin to training, it all revolves around Campo. With him, they are a chance. Without him, see 2011.
WHAT THEY NEED: Campese, Shillington, TLL, Dugan and Tilse in Origin frame by round 10.
WHAT THEY DONT NEED. Peter Doust or Nik Politis stocking up on Clearasil for 2013
LAST YEAR: 16 pts
THIS YEAR: 18 pts
PREDICTION: 15th
Cronulla Sharks
There is something developing on the horizon that so far has not been mentioned in all the Shark chatter in League land, but is beginning to grow bigger than the distant speck that it is at present. That is the likelihood that Shane Flanagan will be a serious contender for a coaching gig at a more lucrative venue. His tenure has been all about stability, and bringing the best out of a roster that has all the hallmarks of a last chance hotel for careers spiralling toward oblivion. Experienced ex Tiger Bryce Gibbs is the pick of the desperados, which includes a former wonder kid returning unwanted in the Bennet revolution at Newcastle, and a pair of Grand Final halves through sheer luck. They will probably miss the much respected bookends of Snowdon and Douglas, but any side with Gibbs teaming up with the likes of Anthony Toupou and the one person who makes Chuck Norris look like Justin Bieber – the mighty Paul Gallen. There is little doubt that Gal has matured since the mentally unhinged Ricky Stuart managed to find another worse team in blue! Flanagan has done well to maintain a competitive side in a club without a CEO. There is also every chance that taking Todd Carney away from Kings Cross is a good thing.
WHAT THEY NEED: Carney to regain his 2010 form
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Carney to program “Northies” into his Tom Tom.
LAST YEAR: 18pts
THIS YEAR: 22pts
PREDICTION: 12th
Gold Coast Titans
Gold Coast played all of 2011 in Heritage Round. They spent all year revisiting every mistake that was ever made as the Giants, Seagulls and Chargers. Classic was the 8 disallowed tries against Canterbury! By all reports Scott Prince has turned into Captain Useless off the field with younger players, and on field was less effective than Peter Peters Jenny Craig programme. There is talent available as his pivot with William Zillman and Greg Bird, but just like old times, talent seems to diminish within a cat’s fart of Jupiters. The Gold Coast seems to suck the ability out of players. Remember Ronny “Rambo” Gibbs, who smashed the Raiders in the 1987 grand final, headed north and disappeared somewhere up past Brunswick Heads? Lets hope whatever Luke Baily puts in his morning coffee can be shared – the bloke is an evergreen and never far from a sky blue jumper. Rewarding John Cartwright’s spoon with a 5 year contract extension is a bit odd, but he has created a stable club who has recruited well. As deformed as Jamaal Idris’ head is, he does have recent Origin and Test jumpers. Douglas and Myles bring a change to a stale pack that still has the ability to pack a punch – especially with young Shrama developing into the best emerging hooker since Robbie Farah. Their luck has to change.
WHAT THEY NEED: Their recruiting to be as astute as it suggests.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: “Todd Carney to Gold Coast” rumours.
LAST YEAR: 16 pts
THIS YEAR: 28 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 8th
Manly Sea Eagles
There must have been something about clubs formed in 1947. When Parramatta won the 1981 premiership, they burned down their home ground. When Manly win the 2011 premiership, they simply dismantled their club! By following Robert Lui’s blueprint for Mad Monday, the Eagles wound up as the basket case of the year. The Manly boardroom is as stable as a wet bucket of chlorine. Only a pack of complete and utter morons could manage to piss off a club legend within a few days of him delivering a premiership! Then again, with Crusher Cleal proving as loyal as Matty Johns on a Kiwi sheep station, maybe the new team headed by Geoff Toovey comes with a clean slate. Under Hasler, elements of their roster became star graduates of the John Hopoate School of complete f*ckwits. The Stewart Brothers were dux of the school with Jamie “Don’t pick me” Lyon not far behind, with the ever f*cking dimwitted Anthony Watmough and the NRL Rookie F*ckwit of the year Darcy Lissick winning merit awards. God knows how that lot managed to assemble the best young halves pairing since Sterling and Kenny! Actually, Daly Cherry Evans is only a year younger than Jarryd Hayne – he only sounds like a 14 year old banjo player.
WHAT THEY NEED: Tooves to give every board member and half his first grade team a triple, and tell them to wake the f*ck up!
WHAT THEY DONT NEED: To desperately need a favour from David Gallop.
LAST YEAR: 40 pts
THIS YEAR: 24 pts
PREDICTION: 11th
Melbourne Storm
Defying the odds, a salary cap adhering Melbourne Storm won the minor premiership. This was a great feat considering coach Craig Bellamy allegedly operates without game plans! Their season of revenge ground to a shuddering halt at the hands of a gutsy Warriors side and the look of disbelief on the senior Storm faces was a tonic to those still smouldering from the salary cap scandal. Now that 2011 is gone, what will drive them in 2012? Melbourne is a side that thrives on a “bunker” mentality – perfectly suiting a city so paranoid about lack of a decent harbour that they advertise clothes shopping and coffee as major tourist attractions. Big Adam Blair will be a major loss, and the return of Ryan Hoffman is a definite step towards a “Dad’s Army” feel. Beau Champion and Chase Stanley leave without having ever unpacked their best ability. What paranoia will drive them in 2012?
WHAT THEY NEED: Something to play for.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Ian Schubert hailing a cab at Essendon Airport
LAST YEAR: 42 pts
THIS YEAR: 32 pts
PREDICTION: 5th
New Zealand Warriors
Well, old Bluey is finally in charge! The Miracle Man of the 2005 Tri Nations will inherit one of the most intricately coached sides, and armed with game plans as complex as poetry by Tommy Raudonikis will attempt to snare the elusive premiership for the NRL’s eastern most club. They are losing quite a bit of talent, but their grand final experience will be valuable. They have a gun Toyota Cup side and are wisely relying on juniors to fill the void. This in itself is great news for a club that often mortgaged the house for big purchases. Still, Bluey McLennan looks as dim as Wayne Bennet’s desk lamp, and it’s never a good sign to have lost a player to another club with over a season yet to play. Nor is it handy to lurch into a rebuilding phase straight after a grand final.
WHAT THEY NEED – Continue being a strong away side.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – Australian CEO’s talking dollars with Shaun Johnstone’s manager.
LAST YEAR: 32 pts
THIS YEAR: 22 pts
PREDICTION: 12th
Newcastle Knights
Enter the most glorified fossil since the discovery of T Rex. Wayne Bennet surges into town with his faithful Red Dog (Darius Boyd), vacuuming up more mining cash than the tax office will ever see. The post Joey era Knights are desperate to find where their next premiership will come from, and old Grumble Bum has been signed to try and emulate Michael Hagan! Kade Snowden is a good signing, but one wonders what Bennet will make of former hero turned space cadet Timana Tahu. Much is made also of the return of Danny Buderus, and the loss of De Gois to Cronulla suggests that no matter how much you polish a turd, their entire season will hinge on old Bedsy passing to the eternally under-performing Jarred Mullen. Stability is again a foreigner at Newcastle, with many troops remaining from the Brian Smith’s Taliban experience. Old Benny will still need the odd magic trick on the clipboard that hangs from his walking frame, and moments of senility to deliver them
WHAT THEY NEED – Bennet to be as successful as Michael Hagan
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – The arse to fall out of the mining boom and Tinkler to head to Centrelink.
LAST YEAR: 28 pts
THIS YEAR: 30 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 6th
North Queensland Cowboys
Despite slipping under the radar for most of last season, the reality is that North Queensland were horribly close to their maiden premiership last year. But for one disastrous half against Manly in the semi final, the Cowboys could have finished pitting the ever brilliant Jonathon Thurston against a rudderless Brisbane in the prelim final, followed by a rookie pair of halves in the big one. Regrouping away from the spotlight, the Cowboys have a great preparation for 2012. Robert Lui was developing into a fine side kick for one gun playmaker, and could be a great fit for another in Townsville. Much is made of the spine of each club, but the combination of test prop and test half isn’t a bad framework either. Stability helps to. This could be a genuine assault on a premiership from Queensland’s least neurotic club!
WHAT THEY NEED: Robert Lui’s missus to spend September in Siberia.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Another big game choke.
LAST YEAR: 32 pts
THIS YEAR: 40 pts
PREDICTION: 2nd
Parramatta Eels
You know the world is not normal when a cocky halfback who backs his own ability, and starred in a flagging side, is the subject of widespread ridicule. But that is exactly what Parramatta have needed ever since Peter Sterling bought his last comb. Chris Sandow is undoubtedly the NRL’s most eagerly awaited signing. Last year, Parramatta lost a total of 15 competition points by losing games after the 75th minute. Had they won those, they would have been in the finals. Sandow, Ben Roberts and Willie Tonga are bought for points, and adding the Hayne Train gives the club explosive unpredictability. Steve Kearney moulded the pack into a solid outfit last year. The club has also unloaded the truckload of dead wood that Paul Osborne imported, including Osbourne himself. Since then, some much needed stability has returned to Parramatta. Hopefully they can overcome the massive losses of Carl Webb and Chris Walker.
WHAT THEY NEED: Sandow’s enthusiasm to match Hindy’s.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Hayne doing his Jim Mills impersonation.
LAST YEAR: 17 pts
THIS YEAR: 30 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 6th
Penrith Panthers
The last time Gus Gould was in Penrith they won the comp and then, like a hotted up Torana at the end of a drag race up Mamre Road that puts the conrod through the engine block, came a long and expensive rebuilding process. However, rest assured that Gus is under the bonnet with his tracky dacks halfway down his podgey arse. One wonders about his decision to prod Petero Civoniceva out of the club, to replace him with Clint Newton was very wise, but maybe Petero couldn’t submit to the Flanny and Uggies culture that Gus seeks to instil. I don’t know whether the silvertail pedigree of Ivan Cleary will fit into the phlegm and schooner culture out west. I do know that 17 players in the club have had a licence cancelled due to drink driving, and as much as Clovelly Gus might like to change things, Penrith rocks hardest when it has blokes like MG and Simmo pulling on the skin. Gus, you should have chased harder for Todd Carney.
WHAT THEY NEED: To get arguably the NRL’s best backline into open space.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Michael Gordon considering a Sharks contract.
LAST YEAR: 22 pts
THIS YEAR: 26 pts
PREDICTION: 10th
South Sydney Rabbitohs
At the end of the day, what else is there to do but lol@50uff$? Losing Chris Sandow was THE DUMBEST attempt at contract negotiation ever seen! Now the erratic John Sutton has the keys to the Inglis jet boat – which this time of year looks more like a barge. With Dave Taylor becoming the worlds largest blouse it suddenly falls on the ever burdening father figure shoulders of Sam Burgess to again get dentures chattering at Redfern. When your saviour is a 23 year old fat Pom from Yorkshire, you need to change religions.
WHAT THEY NEED – The same thing they have always needed. A miracle
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – Rusty to do what all Souths best ever did – end up at Manly.
LAST YEAR: 26 pts
THIS YEAR: 16 pts
PREDICTION: SPOON!!
St George-Illawarra Dragons
If you want an opinion on the talents of the master coach Wayne Bennet, it might be worth wandering into a Dragons training session. As soon as he decided to dump Wollongong for the Newcastle cash, Saints began a giant form slide that no Bennet game plan could save. All he seemed to offer was three months of clueless game plans and grunts about the players not being hungry. When Ben Hornby sat beside him in a press conference and contradicted his coach without batting an eyelid it was obvious Bennet was as popular as a Jewish Christmas party. This year, they have a coach who will give a rats buttocks all season, and WONT pack up the Winnebago as soon as they win a comp. They also have an entire squad committed to the cause, without some who follow coach around like a starving African trailing Meals on Wheels. For all the Bennet induced glory that 2010 delivered, St Merge has the look of a club who has taken out the garbage. They should not endure another abysmal finish to a season again.
WHAT THEY NEED: Chase Stanley to fulfil his promise and become the next generation Le Gaz.
WHJAT THEY DON’T NEED: The Bennet years to become a highlight.
LAST YEAR: 33 pts
THIS YEAR: 36 pts
PREDICTION: 3rd
Sydney Roosters
Going by the off season chatter, it appears that Nick Politis is going fishing for 2012, and is focusing in 2013 at the Chooks big season. Brian Smith might be worried – who really wants to coach Sonny Bill Williams? For 2012 that means players playing for their future. Smith also hopefully has a fully workable squad for the first time in years, with the last vestages of the old “get smashed and defecate” approach to training. Last year they were waiting for Todd Carney to get his act together. This year they know he is gone, and can get on with life. What remains is a young squad with recent Grand Final experience built around some well rounded rep players. The mongrel pack that blasted its way through the 2010 finals is 2 years older, and somehow Mitchell Pearce and Braith Anasta should be able to muddle through playmaking and get it right!
WHAT THEY NEED: No one organising any typical Eastern Suburbs “recreation” by text during team talks.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Jaqueline Magnay or Rebecca Wilson any futher east than George Street.
LAST YEAR: 24 pts
THIS YEAR: 34 pts
PREDICTION: 4th
Wests Tigers
Its been many decades since anyone could have called Wests the silvertails. But this is such a year. They were only a Tim Moltzen failed grab away from a preliminary final berth. That followed half a season of whinging and player unrest over a long needed overhaul of the Tigers machine. This year they have recruited wisely, and Adam Blair will finally make their pack look as nasty as the Balmain pack in the late 1980s. Moltzen has gotten over his PMS, and Joel Reddy is a solid recruit out wide. The one question is Benji Marshall. For all his brilliance, is he a big game player? The Tigers have had the squad to deliver for a few seasons now. Its time to put up or shut up.
LAST YEAR: 34 pts
THIS YEAR: 42 pts
PREDICTION: FIRST
2011 was another outstanding year of predicting by the Almanac – an 87% success rate was achieved! Yes, this phenomenal oracle was enough to make me come second in the office footy tipping comp, beaten only by the blonde with big tits who picked teams with the colours she liked. So renown is the Almanac’s accuracy that the Greek and Italian Governments invested their national economies heavily in it.
The 2011 Almanac (linked here) successfully predicted Manly’s boom season
It also successfully predicted that Brisbane, Canberra and St George would all finish above he Titans. In fact, Canberra missed their predicted second place result by only 9 losses!
If you need that extra boost to your flagging fortunes, here it is! An otherwise unknown balding pommy called Billy Windsor trusted the almanac, and wound up marrying a princess and getting global fame! Osama Bin Ladin ignored advice to consult the almanac, and look what happened to him! Your future is in your hands (and thankfully not Matt Orford’s). Here it is, the spoiler of spoilers. If you don’t want to know the outcome, look away until October!
Brisbane Broncos
The last gasp of Brisbane’s golden era may have puffed to a halt when Darren Lockyer conjured up a dusky field goal after over 100 minutes of grind against St George. Left with the option of making the tropical hero hitchhike to Sydney and dress up as Ned Kelly for the preliminary final, he politely retired from the Broncos. For the first time ever, Brisbane do not have a recognised playmaker. The addition of one spurned Petero Civoniceva will be a boost, but frankly a blind pineapple can set up better plays than him. Petero returns a lesser player than he left, leaving his best in Penrith. The Broncos missed the boat in the playmaker market, and look much like a Ferrari with a Daihatsu engine. Peter Wallace – groomed to spoon feed Heather, now has to chew for the whole team. This concept will be hard to digest. Can they go shopping with the salary cap space that Lockyer frees up for 2013? Forget it – their glut of boom youngsters are up for contract upgrades. Look forward to a year of 5 hitups and a kick.
WHAT THEY NEED: Nick Slyney to be the biggest discovery since Paris Hilton’s webcam.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: To be chasing cutie midseason to return as five eight in 2013.
LAST YEAR: 40 pts
THIS YEAR: 28 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 8th
Canterbury
If there was one club over time who had the ability to solve its on field problems – through fair means or foul, its the Doggies. However, there is nothing in the old Bullfrog Moore bag of tricks that will solve the problem of halves as potent as a disinterested eunuch. Des Hasler put up minimal fight at Manly to keep Hodgekinson for a reason. This year they reunite knowing the halves back on the Corso created a premiership from the same side that Spent Trent struggled to get to the finals. The shadow of Keiron Foran hangs over Belmore. With a preparation disrupted by the Hasler soap opera, where he was thrust upon a team rallying behind stand in coach Jim Dymock, there may be some dissent with the door slammer. Much is being made of the clever recruitment of big James Graham, just like last year when much was made of the recruitment of Frank Pritchard. If the NRL was a hotel chain, Canterbury would definitely be a “BnB”!
WHAT THEY NEED: Des to put some mongrel back into the kennel.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: To realise that that Jim Dymock was a master coach with his efforts last year.
LAST YEAR: 28 pts
THIS YEAR: 20 pts
PREDICTION: 14th
Canberra Raiders
Additions Shaun Berrigan (Warriors)
Losses Alan Tongue (retirement), Josh Miller (Dragons), Daniel Vidot (Dragons), Danny Galea (Panthers), Matt Orford (released), David Milne (Mackay)
Signed On Again Joe Picker, Tom Learoyhd Lahrs, Bronson Harrison, Dane Tilse, David Shillington, Shaun Fensom, Glen Buttriss, Jarrod Croker, Blake Ferguson , Matt McIlwick, Sam Williams, Josh McCrone
Remember the good old days – when Mal and Rueben Wiki could run with the backs, Laurie Daley had sensible hair and Paul Osbourne only debt was at the Belconnen IGA? Since those days the once mighty Green Machine has blown a head gasket, and no one can find the service manual. The occasional burst of activity has teased Raiders fans, but like the blonde hottie at school on short skirt day, they are left with a boner and a load of desperation. When the highlight of your season was the bravery of a young man suffering acne, you know you are crap. A burst of promise in late 2010 teased long suffering Raiders supporters that a return to the glory days were upon them. Sadly, no matter what is said about their three rotating giants up front, or the certainty that Josh Dugan will one day walk across Lake Burley Griffin to training, it all revolves around Campo. With him, they are a chance. Without him, see 2011.
WHAT THEY NEED: Campese, Shillington, TLL, Dugan and Tilse in Origin frame by round 10.
WHAT THEY DONT NEED. Peter Doust or Nik Politis stocking up on Clearasil for 2013
LAST YEAR: 16 pts
THIS YEAR: 18 pts
PREDICTION: 15th
Cronulla Sharks
There is something developing on the horizon that so far has not been mentioned in all the Shark chatter in League land, but is beginning to grow bigger than the distant speck that it is at present. That is the likelihood that Shane Flanagan will be a serious contender for a coaching gig at a more lucrative venue. His tenure has been all about stability, and bringing the best out of a roster that has all the hallmarks of a last chance hotel for careers spiralling toward oblivion. Experienced ex Tiger Bryce Gibbs is the pick of the desperados, which includes a former wonder kid returning unwanted in the Bennet revolution at Newcastle, and a pair of Grand Final halves through sheer luck. They will probably miss the much respected bookends of Snowdon and Douglas, but any side with Gibbs teaming up with the likes of Anthony Toupou and the one person who makes Chuck Norris look like Justin Bieber – the mighty Paul Gallen. There is little doubt that Gal has matured since the mentally unhinged Ricky Stuart managed to find another worse team in blue! Flanagan has done well to maintain a competitive side in a club without a CEO. There is also every chance that taking Todd Carney away from Kings Cross is a good thing.
WHAT THEY NEED: Carney to regain his 2010 form
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Carney to program “Northies” into his Tom Tom.
LAST YEAR: 18pts
THIS YEAR: 22pts
PREDICTION: 12th
Gold Coast Titans
Gold Coast played all of 2011 in Heritage Round. They spent all year revisiting every mistake that was ever made as the Giants, Seagulls and Chargers. Classic was the 8 disallowed tries against Canterbury! By all reports Scott Prince has turned into Captain Useless off the field with younger players, and on field was less effective than Peter Peters Jenny Craig programme. There is talent available as his pivot with William Zillman and Greg Bird, but just like old times, talent seems to diminish within a cat’s fart of Jupiters. The Gold Coast seems to suck the ability out of players. Remember Ronny “Rambo” Gibbs, who smashed the Raiders in the 1987 grand final, headed north and disappeared somewhere up past Brunswick Heads? Lets hope whatever Luke Baily puts in his morning coffee can be shared – the bloke is an evergreen and never far from a sky blue jumper. Rewarding John Cartwright’s spoon with a 5 year contract extension is a bit odd, but he has created a stable club who has recruited well. As deformed as Jamaal Idris’ head is, he does have recent Origin and Test jumpers. Douglas and Myles bring a change to a stale pack that still has the ability to pack a punch – especially with young Shrama developing into the best emerging hooker since Robbie Farah. Their luck has to change.
WHAT THEY NEED: Their recruiting to be as astute as it suggests.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: “Todd Carney to Gold Coast” rumours.
LAST YEAR: 16 pts
THIS YEAR: 28 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 8th
Manly Sea Eagles
There must have been something about clubs formed in 1947. When Parramatta won the 1981 premiership, they burned down their home ground. When Manly win the 2011 premiership, they simply dismantled their club! By following Robert Lui’s blueprint for Mad Monday, the Eagles wound up as the basket case of the year. The Manly boardroom is as stable as a wet bucket of chlorine. Only a pack of complete and utter morons could manage to piss off a club legend within a few days of him delivering a premiership! Then again, with Crusher Cleal proving as loyal as Matty Johns on a Kiwi sheep station, maybe the new team headed by Geoff Toovey comes with a clean slate. Under Hasler, elements of their roster became star graduates of the John Hopoate School of complete f*ckwits. The Stewart Brothers were dux of the school with Jamie “Don’t pick me” Lyon not far behind, with the ever f*cking dimwitted Anthony Watmough and the NRL Rookie F*ckwit of the year Darcy Lissick winning merit awards. God knows how that lot managed to assemble the best young halves pairing since Sterling and Kenny! Actually, Daly Cherry Evans is only a year younger than Jarryd Hayne – he only sounds like a 14 year old banjo player.
WHAT THEY NEED: Tooves to give every board member and half his first grade team a triple, and tell them to wake the f*ck up!
WHAT THEY DONT NEED: To desperately need a favour from David Gallop.
LAST YEAR: 40 pts
THIS YEAR: 24 pts
PREDICTION: 11th
Melbourne Storm
Defying the odds, a salary cap adhering Melbourne Storm won the minor premiership. This was a great feat considering coach Craig Bellamy allegedly operates without game plans! Their season of revenge ground to a shuddering halt at the hands of a gutsy Warriors side and the look of disbelief on the senior Storm faces was a tonic to those still smouldering from the salary cap scandal. Now that 2011 is gone, what will drive them in 2012? Melbourne is a side that thrives on a “bunker” mentality – perfectly suiting a city so paranoid about lack of a decent harbour that they advertise clothes shopping and coffee as major tourist attractions. Big Adam Blair will be a major loss, and the return of Ryan Hoffman is a definite step towards a “Dad’s Army” feel. Beau Champion and Chase Stanley leave without having ever unpacked their best ability. What paranoia will drive them in 2012?
WHAT THEY NEED: Something to play for.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Ian Schubert hailing a cab at Essendon Airport
LAST YEAR: 42 pts
THIS YEAR: 32 pts
PREDICTION: 5th
New Zealand Warriors
Well, old Bluey is finally in charge! The Miracle Man of the 2005 Tri Nations will inherit one of the most intricately coached sides, and armed with game plans as complex as poetry by Tommy Raudonikis will attempt to snare the elusive premiership for the NRL’s eastern most club. They are losing quite a bit of talent, but their grand final experience will be valuable. They have a gun Toyota Cup side and are wisely relying on juniors to fill the void. This in itself is great news for a club that often mortgaged the house for big purchases. Still, Bluey McLennan looks as dim as Wayne Bennet’s desk lamp, and it’s never a good sign to have lost a player to another club with over a season yet to play. Nor is it handy to lurch into a rebuilding phase straight after a grand final.
WHAT THEY NEED – Continue being a strong away side.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – Australian CEO’s talking dollars with Shaun Johnstone’s manager.
LAST YEAR: 32 pts
THIS YEAR: 22 pts
PREDICTION: 12th
Newcastle Knights
Enter the most glorified fossil since the discovery of T Rex. Wayne Bennet surges into town with his faithful Red Dog (Darius Boyd), vacuuming up more mining cash than the tax office will ever see. The post Joey era Knights are desperate to find where their next premiership will come from, and old Grumble Bum has been signed to try and emulate Michael Hagan! Kade Snowden is a good signing, but one wonders what Bennet will make of former hero turned space cadet Timana Tahu. Much is made also of the return of Danny Buderus, and the loss of De Gois to Cronulla suggests that no matter how much you polish a turd, their entire season will hinge on old Bedsy passing to the eternally under-performing Jarred Mullen. Stability is again a foreigner at Newcastle, with many troops remaining from the Brian Smith’s Taliban experience. Old Benny will still need the odd magic trick on the clipboard that hangs from his walking frame, and moments of senility to deliver them
WHAT THEY NEED – Bennet to be as successful as Michael Hagan
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – The arse to fall out of the mining boom and Tinkler to head to Centrelink.
LAST YEAR: 28 pts
THIS YEAR: 30 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 6th
North Queensland Cowboys
Despite slipping under the radar for most of last season, the reality is that North Queensland were horribly close to their maiden premiership last year. But for one disastrous half against Manly in the semi final, the Cowboys could have finished pitting the ever brilliant Jonathon Thurston against a rudderless Brisbane in the prelim final, followed by a rookie pair of halves in the big one. Regrouping away from the spotlight, the Cowboys have a great preparation for 2012. Robert Lui was developing into a fine side kick for one gun playmaker, and could be a great fit for another in Townsville. Much is made of the spine of each club, but the combination of test prop and test half isn’t a bad framework either. Stability helps to. This could be a genuine assault on a premiership from Queensland’s least neurotic club!
WHAT THEY NEED: Robert Lui’s missus to spend September in Siberia.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Another big game choke.
LAST YEAR: 32 pts
THIS YEAR: 40 pts
PREDICTION: 2nd
Parramatta Eels
You know the world is not normal when a cocky halfback who backs his own ability, and starred in a flagging side, is the subject of widespread ridicule. But that is exactly what Parramatta have needed ever since Peter Sterling bought his last comb. Chris Sandow is undoubtedly the NRL’s most eagerly awaited signing. Last year, Parramatta lost a total of 15 competition points by losing games after the 75th minute. Had they won those, they would have been in the finals. Sandow, Ben Roberts and Willie Tonga are bought for points, and adding the Hayne Train gives the club explosive unpredictability. Steve Kearney moulded the pack into a solid outfit last year. The club has also unloaded the truckload of dead wood that Paul Osborne imported, including Osbourne himself. Since then, some much needed stability has returned to Parramatta. Hopefully they can overcome the massive losses of Carl Webb and Chris Walker.
WHAT THEY NEED: Sandow’s enthusiasm to match Hindy’s.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Hayne doing his Jim Mills impersonation.
LAST YEAR: 17 pts
THIS YEAR: 30 pts
PREDICTION: Equal 6th
Penrith Panthers
The last time Gus Gould was in Penrith they won the comp and then, like a hotted up Torana at the end of a drag race up Mamre Road that puts the conrod through the engine block, came a long and expensive rebuilding process. However, rest assured that Gus is under the bonnet with his tracky dacks halfway down his podgey arse. One wonders about his decision to prod Petero Civoniceva out of the club, to replace him with Clint Newton was very wise, but maybe Petero couldn’t submit to the Flanny and Uggies culture that Gus seeks to instil. I don’t know whether the silvertail pedigree of Ivan Cleary will fit into the phlegm and schooner culture out west. I do know that 17 players in the club have had a licence cancelled due to drink driving, and as much as Clovelly Gus might like to change things, Penrith rocks hardest when it has blokes like MG and Simmo pulling on the skin. Gus, you should have chased harder for Todd Carney.
WHAT THEY NEED: To get arguably the NRL’s best backline into open space.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Michael Gordon considering a Sharks contract.
LAST YEAR: 22 pts
THIS YEAR: 26 pts
PREDICTION: 10th
South Sydney Rabbitohs
At the end of the day, what else is there to do but lol@50uff$? Losing Chris Sandow was THE DUMBEST attempt at contract negotiation ever seen! Now the erratic John Sutton has the keys to the Inglis jet boat – which this time of year looks more like a barge. With Dave Taylor becoming the worlds largest blouse it suddenly falls on the ever burdening father figure shoulders of Sam Burgess to again get dentures chattering at Redfern. When your saviour is a 23 year old fat Pom from Yorkshire, you need to change religions.
WHAT THEY NEED – The same thing they have always needed. A miracle
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED – Rusty to do what all Souths best ever did – end up at Manly.
LAST YEAR: 26 pts
THIS YEAR: 16 pts
PREDICTION: SPOON!!
St George-Illawarra Dragons
If you want an opinion on the talents of the master coach Wayne Bennet, it might be worth wandering into a Dragons training session. As soon as he decided to dump Wollongong for the Newcastle cash, Saints began a giant form slide that no Bennet game plan could save. All he seemed to offer was three months of clueless game plans and grunts about the players not being hungry. When Ben Hornby sat beside him in a press conference and contradicted his coach without batting an eyelid it was obvious Bennet was as popular as a Jewish Christmas party. This year, they have a coach who will give a rats buttocks all season, and WONT pack up the Winnebago as soon as they win a comp. They also have an entire squad committed to the cause, without some who follow coach around like a starving African trailing Meals on Wheels. For all the Bennet induced glory that 2010 delivered, St Merge has the look of a club who has taken out the garbage. They should not endure another abysmal finish to a season again.
WHAT THEY NEED: Chase Stanley to fulfil his promise and become the next generation Le Gaz.
WHJAT THEY DON’T NEED: The Bennet years to become a highlight.
LAST YEAR: 33 pts
THIS YEAR: 36 pts
PREDICTION: 3rd
Sydney Roosters
Going by the off season chatter, it appears that Nick Politis is going fishing for 2012, and is focusing in 2013 at the Chooks big season. Brian Smith might be worried – who really wants to coach Sonny Bill Williams? For 2012 that means players playing for their future. Smith also hopefully has a fully workable squad for the first time in years, with the last vestages of the old “get smashed and defecate” approach to training. Last year they were waiting for Todd Carney to get his act together. This year they know he is gone, and can get on with life. What remains is a young squad with recent Grand Final experience built around some well rounded rep players. The mongrel pack that blasted its way through the 2010 finals is 2 years older, and somehow Mitchell Pearce and Braith Anasta should be able to muddle through playmaking and get it right!
WHAT THEY NEED: No one organising any typical Eastern Suburbs “recreation” by text during team talks.
WHAT THEY DON’T NEED: Jaqueline Magnay or Rebecca Wilson any futher east than George Street.
LAST YEAR: 24 pts
THIS YEAR: 34 pts
PREDICTION: 4th
Wests Tigers
Its been many decades since anyone could have called Wests the silvertails. But this is such a year. They were only a Tim Moltzen failed grab away from a preliminary final berth. That followed half a season of whinging and player unrest over a long needed overhaul of the Tigers machine. This year they have recruited wisely, and Adam Blair will finally make their pack look as nasty as the Balmain pack in the late 1980s. Moltzen has gotten over his PMS, and Joel Reddy is a solid recruit out wide. The one question is Benji Marshall. For all his brilliance, is he a big game player? The Tigers have had the squad to deliver for a few seasons now. Its time to put up or shut up.
LAST YEAR: 34 pts
THIS YEAR: 42 pts
PREDICTION: FIRST
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