Ashes player ratings by AG Roebuck:
David Wanker: 0.5/10. No jumping for Davey. Scored a 61 and then f**k all in nine other innings. Owned by a tall streak of duck shit called Stuart.
Marcus Harris 0.5/10. Is this guy an actual cricket player? Made Davey look good at times. Needs to drop Wade as his catching coach pronto.
Cameron Bancroft 1/10. Justin's boyfriend remains shit despite what Justin tells us. No sandpaper this time except as a masturbation aid.
Usman Khawaja 3/10. Lazy, lazy man.
Manus Labuschagne 8/10. Aussie 'Labo' proved the doubters wrong by scoring some 50s and so not being shitter than his team mates.
Stephen Smith 100/10. Did ok.
Matthew Wade 7/10. 2 hundreds by the cocky little Tasmanian. Loses points for being Mathew Wade, the most annoying, inane sledger of all time.
Travis Head: 4/10. Looks likely to play about 1000 tests and not score a hundred. Humiliated by being dropped for Mitchell f**king Marsh.
Mitchell f**king Marsh: 7/10. The dud returned with a dud performance with the bat but took a 5 wicket haul so has cemented his place in Uncle Justin's team until 2134.
Tim Paine: 4/10. Like your mum who needs help saving a word document on the computer every f**king time Paine has as much idea about technology and DRS as a drunken wombat. Weird captain.
Pat Cummins: 9/10. Stud. Champion.
Peter Siddle 2/10. The vegetarian off spinner got very little turn. Remains very ugly. Retire please.
Josh Hazlewood: 8/10. Finally got a bowl after someone informed JL that he had a Western Australian 2nd cousin and responded by looking threatening every spell.
Nathan Lyon: 3/10. The bald GOAT will be forever remembered for doing the reverse Allan Donald in the 3rd test.
Mitch Starc 7/10. Got the privilege of seeing old man Siddle fart arse around from the luxury of the sideline most of the tour.
James Pattinson 2/10. Rested longer than Rip Van Winkle. 1 point taken off for being a Victorian.
