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NFT: Joke Thread

E

eddo

Juniors
Messages
942
What do you call a bloke with a car on his head?.. Jack!
What do you call a bloke with a pallet of bricks on his back?... Lorry!
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?....Eileen!

Why did the leper stop playing cards?... He kept throwing his hand in!
What did the the leper say to the prostitute?... Keep the tip!
 
E

eddo

Juniors
Messages
942
A penguin went on a driving holiday to (central) western NSW.
He went gold panning at Gulgong...
Visited a few mates at Western Plains Zoo...
& was on his way the Coona to check out the Warrumbungles when his car started making funny noises.

He just made it into town, & drove it straight to a servo with a garage.
a bloke there said that he'd have a look at it, but it would probably take a while, so the penguin decided to go for a walk down the main street.

He was suffering from the heat a bit, so when he got to the supermarket he headed straight to the frozen food section.
No one was around so he climbed into one of the freezers where it was nice & cool, just how he liked it.

After a while he was helping himself to the food in there, & one of the locals yelled at him, so he jumped out & headed back to the servo.

The mechanic there said "it looks like you just blew a seal"
& the penguin says....

*wiping his mouth*

" Naw, i've just been eating ice cream!"
 
R

roopy

Referee
Messages
27,980
What do you call a deer with no eyes - no idea
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes - still no idea
What do you call a dog with no legs - anything you want, he won't come to you.
 
Kaz

Kaz

junior
Messages
6,376
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
 
pennywisealfie

pennywisealfie

Coach
Messages
13,812
all my jokes are sick, like not just what you might think sick but over the top sick, CWB can testify to this so i wont say my jokes, everyone can just imagine how funny (and gross) they are.
 
Big Tim

Big Tim

First Grade
Messages
6,500
There are 3 men, Joe, Tom and Harry, they are all driving in a car when they are involved in a horrible accident and killed.

The men go to heaven and meet God, in the godly halls they discover that there are clocks everywhere. Harry asks "God, whats the deal with all the clocks? Do you collect them or something?"
God replies "No Harry, these are the masturbation clocks... every time you rub one out they go forward an hour"
"Wow" replies Joe "Can I see mine?"
"Certainly, here it is at 3 o'clock"
"What about mine?" says Tom
"Yours is here, at 8 o'clock"
"Where's mine?" asks Harry
"Yours is in a special place Harrry" explains God "Its in my offfice.... I use it as a fan!"
 
Big Tim

Big Tim

First Grade
Messages
6,500
What big and Green and looks like a bucket?

A big Red Bucket in disguise :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Andy

Andy

First Grade
Messages
5,050
What's a shitzu? A zoo with no animals :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
B-dos

B-dos

Referee
Messages
28,165
Two Pakistani guys get off the plane in sydney to start a new life in Australia. The first guy says to the second "Ill meet you here in 1 years time and whoever is the most Australian out of us wins ok?" The second Pakistani guy agrees and off they go to start their new lives.

1 year passes and they meet up at the airport once again. The first Pakistani guy says to the other (in a thick aussie accent) "G'day mate, hows it goin? Im about to go pick up my Sheila and go sink a few tinnies down at the beach. Then im goin for a surf with the boys. Then back to my joint for a few more beers and a barbie. So how are you goin?"

And the second guy says "F**k off you Paki bast**d!"
 
H

Hell Bitch

Juniors
Messages
136
Bruno , who has lived in Aussie for 20 years picks his visiting brother from Greece up at Mascot.

Driving home he says "Giovanni, see all them buildings, Bruno built them. But do they call me Bruno the builder...... No"

"Seee all them fruit shops, bruno own them. Do they call me Bruno the fruiterer.......No"

See them taxi,s, Bruno own six taxi,s. They call me Bruno the taxi driver.........oohhhh noooo.

Bruno f**k a ooone goat , a ooonnnne lousy goat and its Bruno the goat f**ker.
 
Andy

Andy

First Grade
Messages
5,050
What do Michael Jackson and George W Bush have in common?

They're both affraid of long sentances
 
princessjen

princessjen

Juniors
Messages
1,348
There was a woman and she went into the supermarket to get some groceries.

She walked around the aisles and picked up
- a carton of low fat milk
- a jar of pickles
- a can of carrot soup
- 4 rolls of toilet paper
- and a packet of musk life savers

She then made her way to the checkout. She sat her items at the checkout as she waited for the woman in front to pay for her items.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the man behind her look at her items, then at her, then at her items then at her again.

"You're single aren't you" he said. She looked over at him, shocked. She was single, but how could he have known that. She looked at her items in amazement, and wondered how that combination of items could have given away to him that she was single. Was it the lifesavers? the toilet paper, what?

"How did you know that?" she asked in surprise.

He looked at her items again, then at her, then smiled.

"Cos you're ugly"
 
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